I got engaged! Unfortunately....

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by woodstock, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. woodstock

    woodstock New Member

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    I really don't care much for the ring. And it's so very non-traditional that when my family saw it I had to explain what it was. (It's yellow mother of pearl crescent moon shaped butterfly "wings" with diamond chips for the "body"). They thought it was costume jewerly. He tried really hard to find something with butterflies, that he basically told me he bought the first one he found. I love him. I love that he tried to get something special since he knows I like butterflies. But people don't realize its an engagement ring. I've only been engaged a day and have gotten several "oh" reactions (not the good kind of "oh") when I showed them my ring. It's taking the joy out of it, especially when my own mother reacted that way. I ended up crying tonight because of it. He says I shouldn't care about what other people say and that he bought it because he wanted something different and special for me, but maybe he just hasn't learned in the years we've known each other how much I do care sometimes.

    And....the way it's designed it snags on everything with the "wingtips" because of how they remain straight, pointy, and exposed when I bend my fingers. So when it snags the one lower "wingtip" is then jammed into my knuckle and its already starting to bruise. I already can tell I won't be able to wear it to work as it will snag everywhere when I'm lifting patients and putting on and removing gloves, and shred my knuckle in the process. And it's hurting already. I told him how it made me sad that my family reacted that way to seeing it and showed him the bruising and said how it will make me sad to have a ring that I really can't functionally wear for the majority of my day, but I don't think he really understands. How big a spoiled bitch am I? I want to love it so badly, but right now wearing it really hurts and I don't see any way in which they could alter it to keep it from snagging and pressing into my knuckle. And I don't even know where we would find a wedding band to fit it (even my aunt said "you won't find anything to fit that ring"). And custom bands are $$$$$.

    I love him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. The ring is nice, it's special because he gave it to me for our engagement. However I want a ring that I can wear pain-free all day everyday, and not leave it at home since it snags at work. But most of all it's just not...me.
  2. Angelskates

    Angelskates Active Member

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    Could you wear it around your neck at work?

    Congratulations on your engagement!
  3. dbell1

    dbell1 Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations on getting engaged. It's sweet of him to go buy a ring that's unusual. I suggest getting a very pretty chain to wear the ring on and going out together for a nice engagement ring that won't bruise your hand. You're not spoiled. :)
  4. woodstock

    woodstock New Member

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    Thank you! I wish I could, but I don't wear necklaces or dangly earrings since it's a risk that our more aggressive patients may rip those off. And it would kind of remove the purpose of it being an engagement ring, when I don't wear it on my finger because it hurts.
  5. MacMadame

    MacMadame Internet Beyotch

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    This is why I think couples should shop for an engagement ring together especially if the guy isn't getting something traditional or a family heirloom.

    Your fiance really needs to listen to you. Right now he sounds invested in his own ideas of what is romantic and is hung up on that. You shouldn't be forced to wear a ring that hurts for any reasons.

    In your married life there will other times when you both have ideas of how things should be that don't match so this is good practice for how to handle them.
  6. orbitz

    orbitz Well-Known Member

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    Well it seems like the OP's main issue with the ring is that she doesn't like the design of the ring and that people don't know it's an engagement ring. Personally I think people shown the ring should have enough tact to recognize that the ring is non-traditional and not make the person wearing it feel bad about it.
  7. A.H.Black

    A.H.Black Well-Known Member

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    Actually, I think the fact that it doesn't fit well and hurts is a great out for you. You don't have to tell him you don't like it. You can explain quite truthfully (and feelingly) the physical problems. Then you can work together to find a solution. You will have to work out tons of problems together as a team when you marry. You might as well start now.
  8. skateboy

    skateboy Well-Known Member

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    This.
  9. Sally1214

    Sally1214 New Member

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    I'm sure that if you tell him how much it means to you that he tried so hard to find something with butterflies and that you love him even more for that BUT, unfortunately, it hurts your finger and isn't something you can wear all the time (WHICH YOU WANT TO DO), he'll understand. You can return this ring and shop together for a ring that is more along the lines of what you'd really like to have. Something you can wear every day .. all day long, which I'm sure is what he wants too.

    He sounds like a great guy .. and, bottom line here is, he wants you to have a ring you love. Tactfully done, this shouldn't be a problem.

    CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement.
  10. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

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    You could just be honest and exchange the ring for another.

    OTOH, the ring is a symbol - not only of your engagement, but also of the extra effort he went into to get something special for you. You could keep it and just wear it just occasionally. But it will always be there to remind you of his special effort.

    I can't wear my heirloom platinum gold wedding ring because I'm allergic to the metal. I can only wear it for a few days at a time before I get a rash. . .but that doesn't make it any less special.

    So, it's a tough judgment call. But I'll add that it doesn't matter whether other people don't know it's an engagement ring. You can just tell them.

    Your fiance gave you a truly unique engagement ring, and that's not something money itself can buy or something many can say.
    milanessa and (deleted member) like this.
  11. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations!

    As for the ring, you can't wear a ring that is uncomfortable and impractical for what you do every day for the rest of your life. You simply cannot.

    You and your fiance are going to have to work this out. If you can afford to keep this ring and get it sized or otherwise adjusted so it is wearable, perhaps it could be a right hand ring for special occasions. For a wedding set, however, you need something practical and comfortable that you love and can wear every day. Explain this to your fiance calmly.
  12. Cupid

    Cupid New Member

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    Congratulations on your engagement!

    I wish you could post a link on what the ring looks like. I don't think I've ever seen one like described and can't quite picture it from what you described.

    When I got engaged, my then husband insisted on designing the ring I would wear based on the style of diamond I liked. I said I liked the marquis cut, and he proceeded to pick out the rest. It was okay, I didn't love it, but hey, it was a diamond.

    However, he told me he wanted to pick out his wedding band and that he would not wear an ordinary band that I picked out without his okaying it. :rolleyes: So, of course, he picked out an expensive wedding band complete with diamonds and ruby. .

    Looking back, that was pretty controlling of him and that's how our marriage proceeded to be for 25 years. So, be careful.
  13. skipaway

    skipaway Well-Known Member

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    Adding my congratulations on your engagement, and best wishes.
  14. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    All of the above!
    Much happiness to both of you.
  15. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    Seriously!

    If it hurts, though, that's a whole other issue, and one that needs to be addressed.
  16. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    You seem to be engaged to a very thoughtful man. Congratulations on your engagement! I agree with others who said you could wear the ring in a chain.
  17. Southpaw

    Southpaw Saint Smugpawski

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    Exactly what I was thinking. Keep the ring if you can and wear it on your anniversary when you go out to dinner.
  18. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

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    He needs to listen to you. His ignoring the fact that it hurts your finger & that it isn't something you can wear all the time really bothers me. (Or it could be he is simply clueless.) Regardless, these issues aren't going to go away. This ring needs to be exchanged for something you can wear. Otherwise, after your marriage, you will end up wearing your band all the time & this ring will live in your jewelry box.

    Congratulations on your engagement.
  19. Louise

    Louise Banned Member

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    I think this is the time to assert yourself. The ring is impractical, nonfunctional and not to your liking. He is sweet for trying to go out and get a ring himself, but some men just have no clue. You shouldn't have to suffer for that. And provided you do it nicely and diplomatically, you and your fiance might even have a great time finding the RIGHT one *together*. And both of you will be happy in the end. I can't imagine a man buying a ring that his fiancee doesn't like and being all that happy/proud about it and making her wear it anyway. Good luck, and congrats.
  20. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    I'm coming from the other direction as most of the responders here - I think it's telling that woodstock spent the 1st paragraph going on about how other people didn't approve of the ring, and how that made her cry, and only in the 2nd paragraph mentions the fit issues. I agree that if the ring is painful to wear and/or is not compatible with work requirements, it's not going to be an every day ring. But I suspect if other people were oohing and aahhing over the ring, suddenly the fit issues would either not exist, or would be diminished to the point of finding a workaround.

    Apparently fiance already knows that woodstock is upset that others don't like the ring (see original post), so any change to the ring is going to include that information.

    good luck.
  21. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    After reading other comments and rereading your OP, I think your last paragraph is the key. You want a ring that you can wear it everyday, without pain. I am sure he will understand it and either exchange it for another ring or buy a simple engagement ring.
  22. ballettmaus

    ballettmaus Well-Known Member

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    How much you care about what other people think?

    Did you tell him you wanted a traditional ring? If so, then he didn't listen.
    If you didn't tell him then I'd say he's a very attentive guy because he noticed your preference for butterflies and he even bothered enough to go all out and try and get you a butterfly ring. He might have been able to guess that it's not practical, however, he's a guy and he just saw the butterfly ring and didn't think any further. But he made the effort, he wanted something special because he cares and he loves you. Isn't that a lot more worth than what other people think about it? You're marrying him. Not them.

    I'd suggest wearing it on a necklace as well, however, you said it wasn't possible, so I second the suggestions of mentioning the issue with work and how it doesn't fit properly and talk it through with him. You'll surely find a solution. :)
  23. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    I would also add, as someone else said already, go ring shopping as a couple, people! My husband toyed with the surprise thing (even though we had talked and planned on getting engaged) and went with his sister to look at engagement rings. He decided that I should definitely have a direct say in choosing something I would be wearing every day for the rest of my life. So we made a trip together. And good thing, too, as the rings he and his sister looked at were not at all what I looked at or chose.
  24. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    Let's not exaggerate 'every day for rest of your life.' My mother stopped wearing her engagement ring years ago. A stoned ring is just too inconvenient if you work needing gloves (she was a dentist), are dealing with small children directly, etc.

    But if you don't like it, it hurts, it hurts EMOTIONALLY that people don't realize what it is, you should be able to explain that and he at least needs to acknowledge it. Does he maybe not want to address it because he can't afford to get a second ring and doesn't want to sell/return this one because he put a lot of thought into it?
  25. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    I'm not a dentist. And I prefer to wear my ring and any job I have had or anticipate having will not necessitate removing it. Most women I know do wear their rings. Even those with small children. My mother has worn hers every day of her life for nearly 48 years now. My grandmother wore hers for 60+ years and she spent over half of that as a farm wife.

    If you or your mother do not, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration.
  26. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    :rolleyes:

    I don't have an engagement ring, only occasionally wear my plain gold wedding band and have been happily married for almost 35 years.

    If you don't, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to not wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration".

    Congratulations on your engagement, woodstock. Much happiness in the future. :)
  27. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

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    It's nice he noticed her preference for butterflies. That doesn't mean she wants to wear a butterfly on her finger. Most of us love skating. I would HATE an engagement ring that was a diamond skate. I would rather have a plain band than a ring that looks like a fun piece of jewelry for the right hand. That's just me.

    If OP feels this way, it's no good to say wear it as a necklace, that's not what you get an engagement ring for. And who besides a high school girl (or jr high) wears a ring on a chain anyway? She isn't going steady, she's engaged.
  28. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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    I know I'm a ninny, but if I were him, it would really hurt me if my fiance wanted to exchange the ring. I know I'm not being practical, but it would hurt. :(
  29. nursebetty

    nursebetty New Member

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    I really would not want anyone to keep/wear anything that they did not like. Would rather them exchange it and be happy. Apologize profusely and ask (beg) to exchange it.
    WindSpirit and (deleted member) like this.
  30. skatemommy

    skatemommy Well-Known Member

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    Suggestion....can it be made into a brooch? It could be worn under your scrubs on a work day. And then get a simple ring for everyday?
  31. millyskate

    millyskate Well-Known Member

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    It's going to hurt a lot. To suggest that it won't is unrealistic.

    The way people react to your ring will depend on the way you present it. If they sense that you love it, they will too. If they sense you're uncomfortable, they will be as well.

    I'll just say that often, unconventional jewelery grows on you. It's like when someone gives you an item of clothing you wouldn't have chosen for youself... Either you reject it outright, or you give it a try, and work your own style around it. Often, if given a chance, it'll "take" after a while.

    If it's really too difficult to wear all the time, suggest getting a plainer, cheap ring you can wear for work, and say you'll keep the one he gave for special occasions.

    Loving someone entails taking them as they are, inappropriate gifts and all. I understand your feelings, but IMO love entails making sacrifices on important things... if they weren't important, it wouldn't be a sacrifice. And accepting and learning to like an unusual engagement ring is one of those.
  32. Desperado

    Desperado Active Member

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    I don't think starting a life together with an "important sacrifice" is the way to go. Life will throw enough of them your way, no need to add to the pile right off the bat.

    Woodstock, this ring just doesn't do it for you. I feel that if you don't find a caring way to tell your fiance the ring is an issue, every time you see it, for however long you choose to wear it, you will feel a little resentful towards him and that feeling might grow and come out later in a very bad way. This cannot be good for a couple about to get married.
  33. rjblue

    rjblue Re-registered User

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    If this is a "major" issue for either of them, then they probably shouldn't be getting married. It's sad that the traditions of the joyous presenting of the ring got spoiled for them, but if were an actual problem to their relationship, then it would be a signal to not get married.

    It is awful when someone gives you a gift, or does something very special for you, that ends up making you sad or uncomfortable. And it's even worse when you have to tell them about it. In this case woodstock doesn't really have a choice- she can't wear the ring as an everyday piece of jewelry. If it were me, I'd keep it and wear it on very special occasions- holidays, anniversaries and such, and then go as a couple and pick matching, ornate wedding rings. I wouldn't replace it with another ring, because you get engaged with a commitment, not a ring.

    (rjblue- happily married almost 30 years, no engagement ring yet...)
  34. snoopysnake

    snoopysnake Well-Known Member

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    Wouldn't your ring be hazardous then, if you work with aggressive patients? They could twist the ring so that it stabs you or otherwise causes you injury. It might also cause injury to the patients. This could be your out.

    I agree with having it made into a brooch or using it as a special necklace to wear outside of work.

    How about collaborating on rings that are meaningful to both of you. My husband and I have rings with infinity symbols.
  35. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    I agree with your first paragraph, but I think people need to recognize that changing the ring is ALSO an "important sacrifice", because it says that finance failed at finding an acceptable ring, despite his efforts to find something that really spoke to her. As has been mentioned, his feelings will be hurt in this, and that should be as big of a consideration as hers.

    ^^ ITA :cheer2:
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  36. VALuvsMKwan

    VALuvsMKwan Wandering Goy

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    I would never want someone whom I cared about to feel obligated to endure wearing something so symbolically important as an engagement ring which that person did not like, and most certainly not if it caused physical discomfort - no matter how much thought or effort I had put into it.
    mag and (deleted member) like this.
  37. tarotx

    tarotx Well-Known Member

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    Engagement rings aren't the important thing but pain and feelings are major. You can't live with something that makes you uncomfortable (rather it be physical or emotional) but he picked something out for you. It was important to him that he gave you something unique. I agree the best thing to do is go together and pick out ornate wedding rings.

    Communication is super important. Talk this out with him. Make sure you listen to him. Make sure he listens to you.

    Maybe you and he can go search for a new butterfly ring that you would love and be able to wear. Maybe you can make this a special time for you two. Maybe create a new tradition among the two of you. You and he can search together for the perfect gift for each other. No surprises but special togetherness time. The real gift is the together time.
  38. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

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    People in long-term partnerships are going to hurt each others' feelings. But honesty is more important than hurt feelings because if those feelings aren't expressed, resentment builds and can turn into smouldering anger.

    So I'd advice Woodstock to start with being honest and acknowledging her partner's efforts. But first, ask yourself, why is it so important to get other people's approval for your ring? Then, ask yourself if his gesture to you is more important than others' approval?

    And talk to him honestly about all the above. Very often talking resolves the issue. If you can't talk honestly now, it doesn't bode well for a good marriage IMO. He made a sweet gesture that didn't work out as planned but there is room for negotiation. He might want to exchange the ring, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. Or, he might want you to keep it to wear very occasionally and ask you to pick out your wedding ring. Or, you might decide you want to keep it after all.
  39. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    That's exactly how I would go about it, although the fact that the main focus of the original post being that nobody knows it's an engagement ring is IMO showing that her focus isn't really on the physical stuff. :shuffle:

    That's a fantastic idea! But again, depends on what woodstock wants her engagement ring to say. If she wants to show off a ring she LOVES on her finger, the ring has to be changed because of the various reasons she's stated.

    Granted, it would be very hard for even my mother to choose jewelry that I would like, because I NEVER talk about what I like in jewelry. So if the ring was supposed to be a complete and total surprise, unless he's a psychic, it would be a miracle if he got anything close to what she liked. :lol: The men who manage to please their fiancee with surprise engagement rings I think always go for the traditional rings with big diamonds, because that's what society says all women LOVE in an engagement ring. If you stick with that, more often than not you'll be right. :lol:

    I do think woodstock has to be honest now, especially since she hasn't gotten married yet. An engagement ring will be small potatoes compared to other things faced in a marriage...
  40. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    this
    Very well said

    Two other considerations--first, it's not always possible to return engagement rings. So I wouldn't assume that's an option. Second, many people who work in health-related settings (eg. hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, etc.) are prohibited from wearing any rings whatsoever, and most commonly rings with protruding gem stones because patients are frequently cut/scraped by such rings. So I wouldn't assume having a solitaire or other engagement ring would be any more workplace-friendly than the current one.
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011