Help with delicate situation ...

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by OliviaPug, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    How do you date the brother of a best friend? Or do you just not date the brother of a best friend?

    The best friend is encouraging the dating, but seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

    Thoughts?

    O-
     
  2. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

    7,906
    1,361
    113
    If there was chemistry there, I would date him. Are they uber-close as brother and sister? Are they the kind that confide/tell each other everything? If so, that could make it a bit sticky...
     
  3. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    Insane (as in amazing) chemistry on both sides. The friend knows. I just adore this friend so much. I would never want anything to jeopardize our friendship.

    Thanks for your response.

    O-
     
  4. skatingfan5

    skatingfan5 Well-Known Member

    10,836
    2,051
    113
    If it doesn't work out, then it could be a bit awkward. On the other hand, one of her friends/college roommates introduced her brother to my niece and they began dating. The friendship survived -- and so did the relationship with the brother. Five years later, my niece married him and so far, so good. :)
     
  5. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    Thanks. The thing is ... I don't want marriage or a committed relationship right now. I'm not looking for things to work out that way. I'm coming out of a horrible divorce (happy to be out, but difficult nonetheless). I don't want to lead him or my friend to believe I will be going down that road. I figure, if I don't plan to go down that road, why bother to run the risk of hurting someone and possibly hurting a dear friendship? Then again, I like him and it would be fun. That sounds selfish, doesn't it? That's sort of my dilemma.

    O-
     
  6. Wiery

    Wiery Well-Known Member

    1,872
    238
    63
    I wouldn't do it, basically because you are coming out of a divorce, and "rebound" dating is often temporary. Give it some time, recover from your divorce, and if the chemistry is still there in 6 months or a year, then re-consider dating him.

    If the dating doesn't work out and he has hard feelings, then things might get awkward between you and your friend.
     
  7. DarrellH

    DarrellH New Member

    4,763
    375
    0
    You risk losing both people if things go wrong.
     
  8. soxxy

    soxxy Guest

    You sound like you'd like to do it, but you sound somewhat more apprehensive, and I would be as well. Why not quietly "monitor" the situation for a while; maybe things will become more clear with time. What types of interactions do you have with your best friend's brother now?
     
  9. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

    4,982
    967
    113
    This is a very good point. Not a great idea to make your best friend's brother the "rebound" guy.
     
    PeterG and (deleted member) like this.
  10. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    Thanks to everyone who has responded.

    I have a nice friendship with the brother now, but he is constantly asking for more. I think it would be better to keep him as a friend, if possible.

    Sunday is "D Day." Wish me luck!

    O-
     
  11. Rob

    Rob Beach Bum

    13,412
    1,867
    113
    Ok, this is complicated, but my ex-sister-in law (was married to my brother/stayed part of our family after divorce) has lived with the brother of her ex-boss and best friend for about 25 years.

    Ok, I know, I will try again. She and my brother got married way too young. They divorced amicably so she stayed in the family -- more like my sister than sister in law. Her ex-boss and best friend introduced her to her brother. They dated for a few years, broke up for a couple of years (she stayed best friends with the sister) and then got back together.

    We all call ourselves the Clampetts.
     
  12. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    Rob, LOL! That *is* complicated!!

    Well, I saw him on Sunday. Just for dinner. Fun night. He lives far enough away (1 1/2 hours) that I'm hoping we can just be friends. That's probably wishful thinking, but I remain hopeful!

    O-
     
  13. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

    4,874
    825
    113
    My friend set me up with my now husband. When our relationship got serious, she freaked out on us. Three months before our wedding, she went to our priest to try to get him to stop the wedding.

    And now she is the sister-in-law from hell. Turns out, she just wanted to have some fun controlling who her brother dated and already had his next girlfriend picked out. Her idea was to keep him from ever marrying so he would always be at her beck and call.
     
  14. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Now ubering Machida's hair

    1,982
    761
    113
    I would be very frank with the relationship, and tell him you like him, but b/c of the divorce you don't want a serious relationship right now; and that you want to stay friends with the sister. Suggest then to see how you both feel in 6 months.
     
  15. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    PDilemma: Wow, food for thought! And sorry. That's crazy, and some people are.

    maatTheViking: I agree. I think That's a really good approach. I have alluded to the fact that I don't want a serious relationship, but I think more frankness wouldn't hurt. Thanks.

    O-
     
  16. shan

    shan Well-Known Member

    17,434
    1,293
    113
    :eek: That is nuts!


    I hope everything works out the best way possible Olivia!
     
  17. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    Thanks, shan :)

    2 days, no contact by either of us, and counting ... I think that's a good thing in terms of keeping things more casual. Maybe I won't have to have the "frank" talk after all!

    O-
     
  18. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    17,561
    1,170
    113
    Very good advice, I would be honest with him. Tell him your concerns re: rebound. That you want to take it more slowly. That a relationship may be a possibility, but not yet.
     
  19. 4rkidz

    4rkidz plotting, planning and travelling

    9,821
    1,718
    113
    It works all the time and from my experience there is nothing better than a best friend who becomes your in-law :p Go for it..
     
  20. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    17,561
    1,170
    113
    ^^ A little different, but... My daughter is dating a really great guy, for about 2.5 years now. He and my son have become really good friends. He and my son have the same taste in music and love going to concerts (as does my daughter). But, there have been concerts that my daughter either could not go to or wasn't really into, so the boyfriend went with my son. They have a great friendship, I couldn't ask for better. So, whether the relationship or the friendship starts first, there is always a risk of losing one or both. My husband was very close to his first wife's brother. They were divorced (obviously :D). The ex-wife's brother came to our wedding, his daughters called me aunt cruisin, they came to our children's christenings, etc. Sadly, he was lost on 9/11 in the WTC. Devastating. So, friendships can withstand divorce. It's really dependent on how both parties handle it.

    I think that there is nothing better than having a great relationship with the in-laws. If you're not ready, that's another story. But, don't let the fact that he's your BF's brother be the reason to not be with the right guy.
     
  21. luenatic

    luenatic Well-Known Member

    2,504
    530
    113
    I could be wrong in reading all these posts... Does the OP want to keep the guy as friend (with benefit)? Like Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids? Except, the OP wants to be in Jon's role?
     
  22. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    :lol: Yeah, well. I didn't see "Bridesmaids" tho I've been told it's hilarious! Friends with benefits could be good, but I'm afraid to go there because he seems more interested in more than me. If we had similar feelings, I think it could work. I don't want to trounce on anyone's feelings here. I could handle the f-w-b, but I don't know if he could. Should I ask?? :D

    O-
     
  23. Bev Johnston

    Bev Johnston Well-Known Member

    1,169
    81
    48
    Not quite as crazy, but my mom married her best friend's brother. Everything was all peachy until they got engaged. My aunt was jealous and said the her brother took her best friend away. They were never close again.
     
  24. Bev Johnston

    Bev Johnston Well-Known Member

    1,169
    81
    48
    Don't do it. That is asking for big trouble, IMO.
     
  25. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    17,561
    1,170
    113
    So, I'm not sure, do you like this guy? Do you think there could be more? Are you just not ready? Or, is it that he has feelings for you, which you don't have for him? If the latter is the case, don't do FWB, in this situation. That could be an issue for his sister - AKA your BFF. And if you're not really interested in him, don't give him hope, again, that could be a problem for sis. If you go into a relationship with the intention of wanting it, that's one thing. But going into it as a FWB could get very "delicate".
     
  26. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    cruisin: I like the guy and we have chemistry. That's it. I don't know if there could be more, and I have no intentions. I'm not ready for a relationship; I just wanna have fun. That's my major concern. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. I've never been a selfish person in my life, and I don't want to start now. I think the answer is: "Don't do it."

    O-
     
  27. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    17,561
    1,170
    113
    Or explain exactly ^^ to him. You like him, but you're not ready. Maybe tell him that you want to date openly with several guys for now. He may be okay with that. Of course he may be okay with it, until he's not. I would just hate to see you pass by a great guy and regret it later.
     
  28. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    2,285
    447
    83
    cruisin: He is a great guy. I'm not pursuing things, but if we happen to see each other or be in the same place at the same time for an event, I will be happy that we see each other. I can't live with regrets. If I did, I'd be regretting my entire 14 year marriage. In addition to my divorce, I had a life-threatening event last year that changed my perspective on things. Whatever will be, will be. It's better for me to just try to live each day the best way I can for myself and those I care about.

    O-
     
  29. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    17,561
    1,170
    113
    Sounds like you have this under control. Good for you! I wish you well.