He Wants Sex, She Doesn't. Are Beads the Answer?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by ilovepaydays, Apr 25, 2011.

  1. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    No, you do what a buddy of mine does, who's been living in an asexual relationship for 6 years. He just goes elsewhere to get it.
     
  2. Twilight1

    Twilight1 Well-Known Member

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    Quoted for truth. I am in my 30's and was actually shocked to know the number of people who really do go outside of their marriage for sex, while staying married and not having sex with their spouse for years.

    My husband's uncle told me once never underestimate debt keeping families together. I laughed at the time, but I really do agree with him now that I am older.
     
  3. Wiery

    Wiery Well-Known Member

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    :lol::lol::lol::lol:
     
  4. Wiery

    Wiery Well-Known Member

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    :lol::lol::lol::lol:

    You folks are in rare form today...:rofl:
     
  5. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    I was asking these questions upthread.... I guess we have to read the book to find out... not curious enough for that!
     
  6. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    I thought it was all explained quite well in the article. She gave him a jar with 40 beads in it. There was a bowl on her nightstand. When he wanted sex, he dropped one of his beads in the bowl, and she had to put out within 24 hours. If he was being a real jerk, she had the right to turn the bowl over so he couldn't put a bead in it.

    The timing was not explained, but it sounds like she just gave him back the beads and kept the whole thing going because it all worked out so well.

    Maybe; maybe not. If people in a sexless marriage see a therapist, they are usually put on a schedule to have sex. There's usually some kind of medication involved, too--either hormones to stimulate sex drive or treatment for depression--and couples therapy in case there are underlying resentments at fault. That's because sex is considered a critical part of a relationship. It's not good for a relationship to force sex, but it's also not good for a relationship to deny it, either. Both parties have to give a little bit.
     
  7. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    Well, yes, the timing was the thing that really had me confused. She did this in order to avoid the 40 nights in a row of sex, but what's to stop him from putting a bead in the bowl every night (which in effect would have still required her to put out night after night after night)? I guess there must have been some unexplained maximum times per week/month he could put a bead in the bowl and expect her to put out.

    Well, if it works for this woman, great, but it seems so gimmicky, like something she invented so she could write a book and make beaucoup bucks off it.
     
  8. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    I would guess that nothing would stop him, except he's 40 and 40 straight days of sex is something you're more likely to do at 20. :lol: Even guys don't want it seven days a week at that point. Well, the spirit is often willing but the flesh tends to be weak after a few days. Sometimes, ya just wanna sleep.

    What I don't get is that the whole idea of having sex every day for X number of days has already been done and the book has already been written. The only difference is that the original author didn't use beads; she DID plan to have sex every day (although I think they ended up skipping a few times).
     
  9. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    To each their own I say, and if it helps others even better, but at the same time, I'm really glad I'm not in that marriage. The woman never wants to initiate sex, or enjoy a spontaneous encounter? The man has to make a formal request, and even there might have it turned down for bad behaviour? Not to mention that in addition to discussing her sex life with all her friends, she's now laying it out for the world to see - and he's OK with that?

    It's like a perverse battle for control - her with enforcing a formal process (and veto power), and a calendar of sex that is determined by him. Her glee at his improved behaviour when he knows he's going to get some smacks of puppy training.

    Perhaps the most telling thing in the article is that she says they have seen many therapists over the years - maybe instead of talking through beads and therapists, they should start talking to each other.
     
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  10. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    Agree.... of course if the average bookstore shopper is anything like the FSUers who flocked to this thread, then maybe just putting "beads" in the title of her sex book will lead to big :bribe::bribe: :lol:
     
  11. Cupid

    Cupid Well-Known Member

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    Oh, my! :eek::lol:
     
  12. Dr.Siouxs

    Dr.Siouxs Well-Known Member

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    I too got all hot and bothered by the thread title.

    K, leaving now :slinkaway
     
  13. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    That was my thought too.
     
  14. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    :rofl: Enjoy.
     
  15. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    Well, this guy isn't married to her, but he does live with her. She bought a house over 6 years ago, and he moved in with her a few months later. He used to live not far from me, but he wanted to move back to his hometown because his mother (who's pushing 90) started having heart problems and he wanted to be closer to her than 2 counties away.

    From what I know about this relationship, the main reason he is with her is because she is providing the roof over their head, so any financial problems related to the house will fall on her shoulders, not on his. I remember he and I having a little discussion about male gold diggers some years ago, and I really think that's what he is up to here. He told me once that she has "issues with intimacy" (although he won't say what they are), and he recently admitted to me that there still isn't any physicality there.
     
  16. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    Hmm, well, I know two married couples who have sexless marriages. In one case, it's the wife who doesn't want sex and in the other, it's the husband. To the best of my knowledge, finances, positive or negative, don't have a lot to do with why the relationships go on. There are a lot of things that hold relationships together, and some of those things are there.

    But it all seems very lonely and cold to me--not so much because of lack of sex, per se, but because of what that lack means to the person who isn't getting any but wants it.
     
  17. Civic

    Civic New Member

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  18. topaz

    topaz Well-Known Member

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    A friend of mine is in the same situation and I think lots of people have been in similar relationships.

    My friend's husband is 12 years older than her(She's 45 and he's 57). My personal opinion is a whole another story. So many women marry older men for whatever reasons and don't think about what happens sexually when you're 50 and he's 62 or alot more older than you.

    Anyway, my friend is really in her sexual prime. She's in the best shape of her life, looks fabulous, libido is good and husband has erectile abd libido issues. He doesn't want to seek help, doesn't want to talk about it; just tells her that "sex isn't everything" and she should just get use to have a sexless marriage as they age. They havent had sex in 3 years.

    In my opinion his behavior is completely unacceptable for a 20 year marriage. I support her, listen to her and encourage her to do what's best for HER. Also,
    he's really telling her to divorce him or cheat on him.

    I think for women, we allow so many things to effect us sexually or sexual desire. If the lack of libido is due a mental issue or depression than it can be helped. However, I believe many women suffer from a lack of desire towards their partner which may not be helped even with therapy.
     
  19. CantALoop

    CantALoop Well-Known Member

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    When I first read the title I was like "Wow, they started at beads and bypassed plugs completely? What a trooper!" :eek::lol:
     
  20. pilgrimsoul

    pilgrimsoul Active Member

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    I'm almost 48, had a complete hysterectomy 7 years ago am STILL waiting for the decreased sex drive that the doc said to expect. Never happened. It's like I'm perpetually 19 on the inside!
     
  21. Matryeshka

    Matryeshka Well-Known Member

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    This idea smacks of being dreamed up in a committee meeting, and they drew beads to put the idea to a brief test to give it the barest modicum of authenticity. Sort of like Eat, Pray, Love.
    Not to give TMI, but for most women, if we're not in the mood, not only are you not in the mood, but it hurts. Sometimes A LOT. If sex becomes something you associate with pain, you sure as hell aren't going to want to do it more, and I can't see it helping the relationship.

    You go away from FSU for a week, and you sure do find some interesting threads lurking. :lol:
     
  22. MacMadame

    MacMadame Internet Beyotch

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    So am I the only one who clicked on the link at work without a second thought? (When was the last time there was something NSFW in Time magazine, anyway?)

    But the actual article was offensive, which is worse.
     
  23. Civic

    Civic New Member

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    I know most men "slow down" as they get older but 54 seems to be rather young to have his libido completely shut down. I wonder if he has underlying health or emotional issues?

     
  24. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

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    I didn't even open this thread- since I didn't know what would be discussed in it.