He Wants Sex, She Doesn't. Are Beads the Answer?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by ilovepaydays, Apr 25, 2011.

  1. ilovepaydays

    ilovepaydays Well-Known Member

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    Time article: He Wants Sex, She Doesn't. Are Beads the Answer?

    Thoughts? Even though I know that women (or men) may not want to have sex exactly when their partner wants to, I had a problem with this article (and book) feeding into the stereotypes that men always want sex and women don't really want (or need) it.

    I also think that an arrangement like this wouldn't solve serious issues in a relationship and may just prolong the inevitable: that someone may not be good for you and you need to end the relationship.

    I also think that this is not a good idea if you partner has a background of rape/sexual abuse and intimacy may be more difficult for them as it is.
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2011
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  2. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I had...different ideas as to what the beads would be used for, given the thread title. :shuffle:

    I think communication is paramount, of course. And some guys are just very picky. Honestly if you're really horny and your partner isn't in the mood, you can take care of yourself. That's what hands are for. :eek: It would disturb me if my partner would freely go at it knowing full well that I wasn't in the mood. Being coerced into sex would definitely bother me to the point where I'd think of ending the relationship.
  3. jamesy

    jamesy Well-Known Member

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    eys, what a manipulative way to get your article read! :lol:
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  4. allezfred

    allezfred Prick Admin Staff Member

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    Thank goodness I wasn't the only one. :rofl:
  5. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, surely they could have said token, or something that didnt make this article nsfw sounding.

    I don't like the idea though... it is still essentially one partner demanding, even if they have to wait a bit.
  6. Beefcake

    Beefcake Guest

    :lol: Despite the mild assurances, I'm still wary of clicking that link here at work.
  7. numbers123

    numbers123 Well-Known Member

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    I am glad that I wasn't the only one

    I think it is just a "cute" way to market "how I fixed my marriage by sex" book. any guy whose 40th birthday wish is to have sex 40 days in a row is pretty selfish and really not considering what makes a relationship good in the first place. He wants sex, he communicates with words and actions not damn beads.
  8. Spinner

    Spinner Where's my book?

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    We're all filthy pigs. ;)
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  9. JerseySlore

    JerseySlore Active Member

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    Me too. My mind belongs to gutter.

    Friend of a friend dated a guy who would just scream out of blue his gonads are turning blue and expect to be presented an orifice. Hear the guy keeps getting dumped and has no clue why. :scream:
  10. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    Hmm, well, there's the reverse of this, too. What if you were with someone who never wanted sex, as at least one person quoted in the article said? Hands do in a pinch, but it isn't at all the same.

    But even if there's no perfect definition for a "sexless" marriage, everyone seems to agree that they're common. Newsweek estimates that about 15 to 20 percent of couples are in one

    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936/ns/today-relationships/
  11. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    I don't totally understand the whole 40 beads thing. What happens when the 40 beads are used up? What's to stop the husband from dropping a bead in the bowl every night? :confused:
  12. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Port de bras!!!

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    No, you weren't. :p
  13. Cyn

    Cyn Well-Known Member

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    Apparently not :lol: . I thought the same thing as well :lol: .

    Should that old adage "great minds think alike" apply here? ;)
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  14. KikiSashaFan

    KikiSashaFan Well-Known Member

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    I didn't open this thread at work just in case. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was mistaken :rofl:
  15. dbell1

    dbell1 Well-Known Member

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    ^^ This. :shuffle:
  16. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Port de bras!!!

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    Um, it looks like pretty much everyone who opened this thread thought the same thing. :shuffle:
  17. LuckyCharm

    LuckyCharm Well-Known Member

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    Of course. That's why we opened it. The actual article is rather nauseating.
  18. jamesy

    jamesy Well-Known Member

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    I think a lot of people left the thread pretty disappointed.
  19. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah being married to a truly asexual person would be a quandary, but I don't think demanding it is gonna fix the issue. :eek:
  20. Southpaw

    Southpaw Saint Smugpawski

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    I thought it was an article that promoted crafts over sex.
  21. IceJunkie

    IceJunkie Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I'm pretty sure we all thought the same thing coming in here. :lol:
  22. Spinner

    Spinner Where's my book?

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    Looking for tips? :p
  23. jamesy

    jamesy Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I was hoping to learn how to save a troubled relationship by cramming beads up my partner's ass. :saint:
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  24. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    Give it a try and let us know how that works out for you.
  25. jamesy

    jamesy Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunately that wasn't the type of article so I will have to wait until the next time I see Living Saint and ask her.
  26. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    Geesh, you helpless kids today. Can't figure out anything on your own.
  27. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    yep, I didn't even open the thread until I got home because I thought the beads would be put to a different use.

    I wonder if the guy who gave this author the idea gets any royalties from her book?
  28. Cupid

    Cupid New Member

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    So the bead remains in the jar or is it take out after sex? If it's kept in the jar, how do you know that one had been recently dropped in? What happens after all 40 beads are used? What time frame are the 40 beads supposed to be used?

    And I don't get all the private jokes about "beading". Call me naive, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

    I also think maybe it would be fun for couples who don't set time aside for sex, but I don't think it would work for couples who have a deep resentment about something in the relationship.
  29. Twilight1

    Twilight1 Well-Known Member

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    I went a month and a half without sex...and that was because I had just given birth. I couldn't imagine going over a week maybe 2. The idea that only men want sex...is simply not true.

    Can I also add myself to the list that totally took a perverse turn when I saw the title. So funny that this was the first thread I just HAD to look into...hehe.
  30. allezfred

    allezfred Prick Admin Staff Member

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    Google "sex beads" if you're really interested. :p
  31. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    No, you do what a buddy of mine does, who's been living in an asexual relationship for 6 years. He just goes elsewhere to get it.
  32. Twilight1

    Twilight1 Well-Known Member

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    Quoted for truth. I am in my 30's and was actually shocked to know the number of people who really do go outside of their marriage for sex, while staying married and not having sex with their spouse for years.

    My husband's uncle told me once never underestimate debt keeping families together. I laughed at the time, but I really do agree with him now that I am older.
  33. Wiery

    Wiery Well-Known Member

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    :lol::lol::lol::lol:
  34. Wiery

    Wiery Well-Known Member

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    :lol::lol::lol::lol:

    You folks are in rare form today...:rofl:
  35. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    I was asking these questions upthread.... I guess we have to read the book to find out... not curious enough for that!
  36. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    I thought it was all explained quite well in the article. She gave him a jar with 40 beads in it. There was a bowl on her nightstand. When he wanted sex, he dropped one of his beads in the bowl, and she had to put out within 24 hours. If he was being a real jerk, she had the right to turn the bowl over so he couldn't put a bead in it.

    The timing was not explained, but it sounds like she just gave him back the beads and kept the whole thing going because it all worked out so well.

    Maybe; maybe not. If people in a sexless marriage see a therapist, they are usually put on a schedule to have sex. There's usually some kind of medication involved, too--either hormones to stimulate sex drive or treatment for depression--and couples therapy in case there are underlying resentments at fault. That's because sex is considered a critical part of a relationship. It's not good for a relationship to force sex, but it's also not good for a relationship to deny it, either. Both parties have to give a little bit.
  37. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    Well, yes, the timing was the thing that really had me confused. She did this in order to avoid the 40 nights in a row of sex, but what's to stop him from putting a bead in the bowl every night (which in effect would have still required her to put out night after night after night)? I guess there must have been some unexplained maximum times per week/month he could put a bead in the bowl and expect her to put out.

    Well, if it works for this woman, great, but it seems so gimmicky, like something she invented so she could write a book and make beaucoup bucks off it.
  38. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    I would guess that nothing would stop him, except he's 40 and 40 straight days of sex is something you're more likely to do at 20. :lol: Even guys don't want it seven days a week at that point. Well, the spirit is often willing but the flesh tends to be weak after a few days. Sometimes, ya just wanna sleep.

    What I don't get is that the whole idea of having sex every day for X number of days has already been done and the book has already been written. The only difference is that the original author didn't use beads; she DID plan to have sex every day (although I think they ended up skipping a few times).
  39. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    To each their own I say, and if it helps others even better, but at the same time, I'm really glad I'm not in that marriage. The woman never wants to initiate sex, or enjoy a spontaneous encounter? The man has to make a formal request, and even there might have it turned down for bad behaviour? Not to mention that in addition to discussing her sex life with all her friends, she's now laying it out for the world to see - and he's OK with that?

    It's like a perverse battle for control - her with enforcing a formal process (and veto power), and a calendar of sex that is determined by him. Her glee at his improved behaviour when he knows he's going to get some smacks of puppy training.

    Perhaps the most telling thing in the article is that she says they have seen many therapists over the years - maybe instead of talking through beads and therapists, they should start talking to each other.
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  40. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    Agree.... of course if the average bookstore shopper is anything like the FSUers who flocked to this thread, then maybe just putting "beads" in the title of her sex book will lead to big :bribe::bribe: :lol: