Complicated relationship - advices needed

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Pavla2304, May 7, 2012.

  1. Pavla2304

    Pavla2304 Active Member

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    Dear FSUers,

    I would like to hear your opinions/advices...

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 5 years, last 2 years we lived together. We were quite happy together and had almost no problems... Then he cheated on me and after it... he left me in one week, I was so shocked and I could not get it. I spent a month desperate and in tears. Well, he asked me to go out 2 weeks ago, so i went with him.... He wanted us to be together again... to try it out... I agreed it but I told him that I will need time to recover... He said: OK, it is up to you now... I aked him not to hurt me anymore, not to cheat on me anymore... He promised.

    After 2 weeks of "a new relationship" I discovered yesterday that he made some announcment on one dating site. That he is seraching for a female friend, not a girlfriend... But he wanted her to be pretty between 18-25 years and so on... Well, I asked him about it... He told he just wanted to flirt through messages on internet, that it would not be anything more... He deleted the announcment afterwards. But after all it hurt me very much.

    I was told as well that our relationship is not perfect like before... Well, how surprising after all what happened... He thought it would be the same like before... He was like that he wants to be with me, that he is missing me, that he likes the time when we are together, BUT always when he sees me he sees mostly my bad qualities... And NOW it is up to him if he can overcome this... Not about me, who must overcome his cheating... Funny...

    He is the one who wants to meet me, who writes me like the first, who calls me if I want to go out... So everything shocked me again.

    I can understand some of his negative feelings towards me. But the announcment on a dating site. I cannot understand how he could do it to me...

    After this I gave him really the last chance...
    I just wish he could see again, why we fell in love for the 1st time, why we loved each other for almost 5 years... But I do not know how to do it... And after that stupid announcment, I am not suer if I can be smily and happy when I am with him... What should I do?

    You know, all people tell me I should leave him and not to take care anymore, but I still love him very much... And I want to give it a try, how can I make him to see my good qualities again???:(:(:(
  2. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    You can't make him see your good qualities again if he doesn't choose to. It's like trying to change a pessimist into an optimist. I've tried - you can't do it.

    I'm not going to mince words here. He obviously doesn't respect you in any way whatsoever. He's treating you like a pet whom he can call at will when he's feeling lonely, but from this vantage point, he doesn't see you as a partner, as an equal.

    At the same time, he can't even respect himself enough to let you go properly and move on. He calls you and wants to get back together because he's weak. He can't stand being lonely, and he doesn't respect you enough to treat you like a person.

    Like you can't make him see your good qualities again, I can't make you leave him. But you have to ask yourself - do you think you should be more respected in a relationship? It's really your call, whether to tolerate this as long as he wants to have you around, or whether you deserve something better for yourself.

    ((HUGS)) I know it's really hard, but he isn't the only person you'll be able to love. I promise.
  3. WindSpirit

    WindSpirit OmnipresentAdmeanistrator

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    Run fast. Run far.

    You can't. The guy is using you and he will NOT change. All you can do is save yourself from more hurt and disappointment. You deserve someone who will love and respect you. He's not that person. He will only break your heart all over again. Let him go. He's not worth it.

    I hope you're ready to hear that message since you're asking for advice. If not, you will repeat that circle until you are ready to get it. Don't feel bad about it, I firmly believe that we put ourselves in some situations in life only to learn something valuable and something that we're in need of learning, even if the situations are not smart or pleasant. But that's OK, some of them are just meant to be horrible warnings.
  4. BigB08822

    BigB08822 Well-Known Member

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    Save yourself the heartache and find a real man!
  5. Aussie Willy

    Aussie Willy Well-Known Member

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    Most guys don't realise how good things were until they are gone. I broke off with someone because it was a dysfunctional relationship, much of which was due to his lack of emotional connection. After that he kept doing the whole "I miss you" and all that other stuff but it was too late. You sometimes have to be strong, stand your ground and not let yourself be treated like that.
  6. essence_of_soy

    essence_of_soy Well-Known Member

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    My advice? Ditch him and buy yourself a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

    It's sweet, keeps you company, and satisfies your needs.
  7. skatemommy

    skatemommy Well-Known Member

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    You deserve better...a real man; not a little boy "flirting on the internet". Ask yourself, "do I want this man to be the father of my children"? I hope not. He is not going to change - you can't change other people, only your reaction to them. Your reaction should be to politely find a hill and run for it.
  8. Twilight1

    Twilight1 Well-Known Member

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    Speaking from personal experience... run now and fast.

    It'll hurt for a bit but in the grand scheme of things you will be saving yourself a lot of heartache later.
  9. Lorac

    Lorac Well-Known Member

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    I am all for giving someone a second chance (unless they are physically abusive and then it's done) but you gave him a second chance and he blew it big time. And now he is trying to lay the blame at your door by starting to pick on you and who you are. Trust me there is no way back for this relationship - and he will always be looking elsewhere regardless of how hard you try (he won't be trying it will all be on you to make the realtionship work).

    So as someone else has said - run away as fast as you can and find some one who will love and respect you for who you are.
  10. Bostonfan

    Bostonfan Well-Known Member

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    This.

    "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

    It will hurt like hell and you'll feel like you'll never be able to love like that again. But you can't let that paralyze you from doing what you know you should do - which is leave.

    You say that people (I assume the ones that know you) are telling you to leave him. Yet you're still conflicted. So conflicted that you're turning to strangers on a skating website seeking answers. Why? To see if someone validates that you should give it another try?

    And what have you read from people here? The SAME thing as the people who know you. If that doesn't tell you something, then you are doomed to find yourself right back where you are with this guy. I get it. Five years is a long investment. It's hard to see it go down the drain. Sorry to be harsh, but you need a wake-up call.
  11. Garden Kitty

    Garden Kitty Tranquillo

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    After spending so much time with someone, it's hard to move on. They're so much a part of how you think and what you do each day. But as others have pointed out - you've given him a chance, and a second chance, and he is still not treating you properly. Never date a person who thinks they are doing you a favor by being with you - you deserve better.
  12. Wiery

    Wiery Well-Known Member

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    Get away as fast as possible from this guy-he's a serial cheater. Yes it hurts now, but it will only get worse over time-what if you married him, had children together, and then found out about his cheating? Trust me, I know from experience, the cheater does not change. Yes, there are exceptions, but your boyfriend does not seem likely to do so anytime in the next couple of decades.
  13. CanuckSk8r

    CanuckSk8r New Member

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    Pavla, your story could be mine. Practically word for word, right down to the searching the answer from others. You want validation in your choice because you're hurt and confused.

    My advice is in line with others - walk away and never look back, now.

    He's proven his pattern, has a good thing but continues to look elsewhere. The only way the pattern will change is for you to change it. Not him. I am not a believer that online flirting is harmless, in fact I think it's more harmful than real life flirting but that's a whole other soapbox I can jump on.

    His interests lay is self satisfaction first, this doesn't change.

    Mostly you have to ask yourself "can I live like this for the rest of my life?" You have to assume that when you're dating, or re-kindling in this case, both parties are on their best behaviour, that this is as good as actions get. Will you be happy feeling the way you feel. When you answer that question honestly, you have YOUR answer, not everyone else's opinion.

    It's been a year since I walked away. It hasn't been easy, but definitely worth it. I no longer worry about what is going on that I don't know about, nor am I constantly on guard and on the lookout. Peace of mind and self respect are not worth losing for anyone.
  14. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    To be fair, sometimes people really do turn things around if given another chance, and given some serious boundaries. My sister went through a period like this, but they had just started dating and he was just wishy washy and didn't know what he wanted. They had a serious sit-down discussion, she gave him another chance, and he's proven to be a stand-up guy.

    But Pavla2304's guy doesn't like sound like that. He doesn't sound like he's sorry, especially if he continues to look for emotional (and maybe physical) fulfillment elsewhere, and then blames HER for feeling the way he does. He's the one who cheated, so he's the one who has to repair the trust between you two. It doesn't sound he's willing to do that.

    Being in a committed relationship means committing to love your partner no matter what. Even if you think you've fallen out of love with the person, "love" is an action that you can show. Nobody's head over heels in love with their partner all the time, so that commitment has to mean something. That what you've built together matters to you.

    But maybe in his mind, since you're not married, he doesn't have an obligation to do that and can treat you how he likes, because you're not really committed. Frankly, if someone doesn't show an ability to do that during a relationship, it doesn't bode well for a marriage either, so count your lucky stars you're not legally bound to him and can leave him whenever you want.

    5 years is a long time, but ask yourself, do you want to be on this emotional roller coaster for another 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? The rest of your life? How much more time will you waste on him because you were afraid of "wasting" 5 years?
  15. Cupid

    Cupid New Member

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    If you're looking for "validation" from us, and it doesn't look like anyone is going to, I will give you this: Give yourself a deadline, say 30 days, and don't tell him about the deadline. See how he treats you, see if he still "sees" only your faults, and after the 30 days, YOU decide if you want to continue the relationship. If there is any doubt, END it. That way, you are in control for the next 30 days, unless he really screws up and ends it before then, which I hope doesn't happen.
  16. hydro

    hydro Well-Known Member

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    I will echo everyone else's sentimements -- leave him. You have needs that he cannot/will not ever/does not wish to meet. That's not a bad thing to have those needs from a relationship. Own that.

    It sounds like he likes the beginning of things and doesn't like relationships when they get more meaningful and challenging. That is something that he will need to work on, and it's not your responsibility to teach him.

    A bad relationship can be difficult to get over, but it will pass eventually. You sound clear about what you want, and that is a huge first step.
  17. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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    Word!!
  18. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    You have gotten excellent advice here. He will not change and you cannot fix him. Whatever you had, is probably gone. Really look back on those 5 years and ask yourself if there was ever the level of respect you deserve. Are you sure he didn't cheat on you before the time you caught him?

    You deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and respect. Don't settle. I know it's hard to start over, and you wonder if you'll ever feel, again, the way you did for him. I promise you, you will. Only it will be better!
  19. JILEN

    JILEN New Member

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    Good advice...

    It wont be easy though!


    Breaking away from a relationship wont be easy. It'Il hurt for a long, long while. Months, years (others never recover), five years invested in a relationship is a long time afterall. When the pain becomes unbearable you'll blame yourself believe me I know, if only you coulda stayed and worked it out, oh he wasn't that bad you tell yourself, I just can't go on without him, your house and things around you, the songs, everything will remind you of him. But sometimes you just know when it's over and it's time to walk away.

    Anyways, I cried real hard over mine but somehow realized it wasn't him I was crying over at all really. Sometimes it's just suck not be loved and wanted. You just need to rediscover yourself and the right person worthy of your love would come along. Remember that you can only experience joy to the extent that you experience sorrow. You'll be singing "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" for a while but will move on to singing "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger":(..... ((()))) from me..
  20. PeterG

    PeterG Argle-Bargle-ist

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    I am going to suggest something different from the other posters. Not that I disagree with what they are saying, but Pavla2304, it sounds like he means a great deal to you in spite of his flaws. So here's my suggestion...

    Figure out your best way to communicate to him all of your wants and needs. At the same time, ask him to do the same with you. This way, you will both have a much clearer picture of what you want your relationship to be...and if you are a match.

    One of my previous co-workers, who I liked very much, was dating a guy for a year until she brought up the issue of children in a serious conversation. He basically said that he couldn't see himself having kids. My co-worker definitely wanted to have children. So the relationship was about to end. In my head, I was thinking, "why did you take a year to bring up something so important to you"? The reason is because we have a connection to this person and we don't want to lose that. So somehow we bury various needs so as to not lose what we've got. But when we do this, we are not only wasting our time, but that of the other person as well. Pavla2304, if you care about him deeply, maybe you are wasting his time because he wants "to have his cake and eat it to"? Maybe the most loving thing you could do for him is to let him go?

    As for clarification what both of you want out of a relationship, I read about an interesting exercise a while back. It suggested that each of you write a list of anything and everything you want from the other person. (This exercise could be used in any type of relationship.) You then give the other person you list. With this list, you separate each item into one of three categories:

    1. Yes, I can give this to you, no problem, it will be a joy for me to do so!
    2. Maybe. Not sure if I can provide this, but I will think about it and try.
    3. NO WAY. Never! I am not going to be able to give this to you, will not try and will not even consider it.

    Now you both have a clear idea about what each of you wants, and what each of you wants to give in return. And are there things in the second and third category that you can get from friends and family instead of your partner? Is it okay with your partner to get those needs met from other people?

    I think the key issue is communication. Saying what you want and having the other person communicate back to you that they can give you what you want. Are your wants and needs similar enough to have a successful relationship? Or are there too many things you both want which the other person can't or won't provide?

    Good luck to you, Pavla2304! Keep in mind that if he ends up not being the one for you, he will have played a role in you moving towards finding someone who *is* suitable for you. :)
    snoopy and (deleted member) like this.
  21. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    I think we all have to go through losing a love. It is painful. But it would, ultimately, be more painful to stay in an unbalanced relationship. Passion often changes. If we are not friends with and if we do not respect our partners, it will not be a happy one.
  22. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    I would bet everything I have he's cheated on her multiple times.

    I do hope you get a physical because he may have passed things on to you.

    WRT the internet flirting--it isn't flirting. He's looking for someone to have relationship/sex with that isn't in your circle and you couldn't easily track down.

    The question I have is how were the finances dealt with while you were together? Did you move into his place, or did he move in with you? Who paid for your dates? Did you ever help him out with money? Help him out professionally?

    The second question is are you sleeping with him again?

    Hate to say it, but those are generally the two prime motivations for a man to say he wants to get back together with someone. Sadly, the woman often falls for it.
  23. Patsy

    Patsy New Member

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    You deserve sooooo much better.
  24. rjblue

    rjblue Re-registered User

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    No you don't love him. Love is for someone we admire, respect, and trust.

    You NEED him for some reason. Scared to be alone? Feeling unworthy of a good person? Afraid of change? Try and figure out what exactly it is in yourself that is making you feel like you want him.

    You chose a bad guy. Trying to change yourself won't make him a good guy. And you need to love yourself enough to not have a relationship with such a harmful person.
    BittyBug and (deleted member) like this.
  25. Andrushka

    Andrushka New Member

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    I know you're hurting but I'm going to be blunt...and this is from personal experience.
    You can't make someone behave appropriately,you can't make them be nice,you can't make them see what they don't want to see.And quite honestly,except in rare cases...once a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater. He just showed you that he has not changed.See the red flag,accept it and move on. If he doesn't change,it's his problem,not yours. It will hurt,but you will survive.I know,I've been there. If you do something,stick to it.Because guys like that,if you cave and take them back over and over.They'll just keep on because there are no consequences.
  26. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    In every single relationship I have ever been witness to where one partner cheated, that same partner continued to cheat after he/she promised they wouldn't. No exceptions. Once a cheater, always a cheater is one of the truest aphorisms I'm aware of. Don't compromise yourself out of fear of being alone. You deserve so much better than what he's willing to give.
  27. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    He's offering you a casual relationship from his side on his terms. He's telling you who he is and what he wants, and it's usually a good idea to believe him, and to assume that he's not planning to change.

    If that's what you want, keep him. If not, DTMFA.
    Southpaw and (deleted member) like this.
  28. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I will be fair to both parties and say that he's not a good guy...for her. Some people can be really terrible in some relationships but notsomuch in others. Maybe in the future, he'll find himself in a completely open relationship and both parties will be perfectly happy. But it won't be with Pavla2304, because she wants something different.

    Pavla, you WILL love again. But first you have to acknowledge that you have to let him go, for your own happiness and for his. Love isn't about worrying you'll be alone and hoping that he still wants you. That isn't love, that's obsession and need and infatuation. Love is those warm and fuzzy feelings when you know that someone will always have your back and support you. It doesn't sound like that exists anymore, for whatever reason.
  29. Andrushka

    Andrushka New Member

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  30. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    It's actually pretty likely that he's just as confused and conflicted as she is. Many people have trouble expressing their true wants honestly, if they think it will upset someone. Maybe part of him really does want things to be the way they were, but he's not mature enough to acknowledge that that can never happen, and he isn't mature enough to see that he's disrespecting and blaming her. It doesn't make him a bad person full-stop, just bad in this particular relationship. It's the same with a friend of mine - she and her husband are just wrong for each other, and have so much baggage that the relationship is unrepairable. But I see him with the kids and he obviously loves his kids to bits. He's not a bad father, or person. Just a bad husband to her, and IMO they're better off without each other.

    It's really hard to say what's truly going on, especially if we're only getting one side of the story. Either way, the only solution is for them to separate for good and to find greener pastures elsewhere. The details don't really matter much.

    Isn't that what I said a commitment to love each other was earlier? :lol: When you make a commitment to someone long-term, you're vowing to support each other no matter what. That's an unconditional kind of love. And I don't know about you, but I get the same warm fuzzies thinking about my family (as exasperating as they can be) as I do with my fiance. He's part of my family now, and they're in my corner for the long run. Sometimes you wonder why you stand them, sure, (like in your example), but that doesn't mean that that feeling of security isn't there.
  31. Kasey

    Kasey Loving on babies!

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    Pavla, I'm going to agree with pretty much everyone in this thread. You deserve better than someone like this; someone who disrespects you, then tries to make YOU feel deficient and that's why he's an ass. Nope, sorry hon. You are a beautiful, bright and very decent individual, and if all he's doing is seeing the negative qualities of yours, then he's working VERY hard to find them and ignore your positive ones; and someone who is putting that much effort into treating you with disrespect and disdain, WHY do you want to be with him?

    I know that you say you love him, and in your own way, maybe you do, or maybe like some people have said, you are just kind of hooked on him or feeling you need him for some reason instead. But the fact is, he has shown, in the past and present, that he doesn't love YOU. And really, to me, that's all the information that is required; because you are far too good to be wasting your time on someone like that.
  32. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    If this were a letter in to Savage Love, I know just what he'd say:

    DTMFA
  33. Colleen

    Colleen Member

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    HI,

    I hardly ever post here but I had to this time because I've been through the same thing. And my advice - walk away. No third/fourth/fifth chances. A guy who cheats is a guy who cheats - you won't change that any more than you can change a zebra into a horse no matter how much you love him or try to please him. You'll just drive yourself crazy trying and be crushed when he cheats again.

    Find someone else - even though you think it's impossible. Keep busy and forget about him. Right now he completely has the upper hand and knows that you'll be there whenever he wants you to be there.

    And take comfort in knowing you're not the only person in your position.
  34. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sucks. RUN, don't walk. Men speak with their actions, and he has basically told you that he doesn't give a stuff about you. So why should you give a stuff about him???

    Don't wait for him to use up more years of your life, or drain you of your emotional well-being, or even to give you an STD or worse before you see the light. Run, don't walk, now!
  35. mkats

    mkats New Member

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    This recently happened to a friend of mine. Stuck with the repeat cheater against everyone's advice for SEVEN years, only to be dumped via text message: "I met someone better than you." She's kicking herself for wasting seven years... her friends are just glad she got out, however badly it ended, before they got married, as she expected they would.

    Best of luck to you, Pavla.
  36. jl22aries

    jl22aries Active Member

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    This is a very interesting alternative to the popular opinion. I fully support any chance to improve on communication and to work towards an adult, mutually respecting relationship.

    But I think Pavla needs to work on a lot of internal issues before she can have a running chance at a healthy relationship where she respects herself, respects her expectations for love, and receives respect. Pavla, your entire post was filled with redflags and spoke of a completely dysfunctional relationship, that might be salvaged if both parties devoted themselves to longterm work on communication. But the one sentence that did it for me was your mention of what you could do to make him love you again. And that was preceded by a paragraph that seem to show the dynamic you two have at the moment: you working for his love, feeling not good enough for his love, wondering why he doesn't love you the same as he did before, and allowing yourself to have become completely eclipsed by his opinion of you. This dynamic is so destructive Pavla! Believe in your own courage, you can be brave and stand on your own two feet. For a while at least, learn how to be strong on your own, and to develop self belief that does not hinge on a man's opinion of you.

    This might be harsh, but I so wholeheartedly believe that it takes two to create the situation. Abusive relationships require a volunteer. So don't be that volunteer. I know this is egregiously generalized. But bottom line is that the only person you can really change in any interpersonal conflict is yourself. So if you are in a pattern of destructive relationships with men, examine what it is about yourself that enables these abusive relationships to thrive in the first place. And once again, give yourself time to learn how to be on your own, and to develop and reaffirm your bravery, strength, and character.
    BittyBug and (deleted member) like this.
  37. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    In this case, I think he's being dishonest because he knows or suspects that honesty will get him nowhere fast, and he'd rather eat his cake and have it, too.

    In general, though, people have a hard time expressing their needs when they are not mainstream, like having multiple relationships, be they intimate, flings, or a combination of both. Many will cheat rather than take the immediate risk. People who have borderline to full-blown kinks often are afraid to bring this up with their SO's for fear of rejection and for fear that it will break up the relationship, if they feel they can't live without it and getting it elsewhere is not an option. I know men and women who had abusive or assholish boyfriends and husbands, because they didn't realize that there were men who would top them in bed in ways I'd rather not think about, but be kind and reasonable in day-to-day living, and each has eventually found one after a long and painful process.

    I think that would be his entire answer.
  38. Pavla2304

    Pavla2304 Active Member

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    Thank you very much for your opinions and words... It is always very helpful to get the views from "not so interested" people.

    I know, that I am stupid, that I forgave him for the 2nd time. He told me that he is not changing messages with other girls etc., held my hand and asked me to make a line behind it...

    We decided to "test" our reunited relationship till summer. Then we will sit together and talk about the future. Well, I can accept if him, or me find out that it has no future and we will break up. But I do not want someone 3rd to be between us. So if I find out that he is messanging with some other girls on internet or he even meets other girls in pubs I will leave with it, he truly does not deserve me... I do not plan to controll him, follow him on every step or so. If I have even little suspicion, I will leave him.

    I am already decided, that this chance is really the last one and I told him honestly about it, that I do not want to be hurt again, that he is not the only guy on the Earth and if he betrays me again - i can find a better man, who will love me as I am, who will want to marry me and have kids with me. And that he sees me never again then.

    A good question is "why do i want to save our relationship?" Because that 5 years were truly amazing, because we were soulmates. You know, I just want to know that I did everything to rescue it. And if it does not work then I will have atleast the feeling that I did everything I could. That I did not give up so easily.
  39. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Messages:
    30,105
    DTMFA

    anything else is prolonging the inevitable.
    Southpaw and (deleted member) like this.
  40. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    You sound like you've got a plan. Save this post somewhere and read it every once a while, to remind yourself what you promised. It's much harder to stick to a plan when you're in the thick of things again, but you have to be steadfast. Don't forget!

    And people and relationships DO change over time. Feeling like soulmates when you were young doesn't mean all that much when you're older and just different. The difference is if you're open-minded enough to have continued mutual respect and support for each other. If you don't, the relationship is just over and there's no trying to save it. There's no use in thinking that you gave up easily if the person you're leaving just isn't the same person you fell in love with.