Children's Behavior and Discipline

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by haribobo, Oct 17, 2012.

  1. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,167
    Oh yes, even I knew that you do not put a dark color with the whites in hot water. :lol:

    I think a huge part of it is having confidence (and the wherewithal) to handle stress and change. Your grandmother was an amazing woman, and you're right. In a situation like that, it is about survival. Many babied young people nowadays aren't even resourceful enough to figure out the most basic things, like how to get around without a car.

    My first college roommate was like that. She called her mother to mail her more Dove body wash (from NYC to LA :eek: ) when she ran out. I told her that I could stop at Target on my bus route back from the ice rink, and buy some for her. :lol: I didn't even take the bus regularly before college, but I didn't have a car so the bus was gonna be how I got around. I looked up stops and schedules and I managed. But some of my peers really had no clue where to even start. Just yesterday I was helping two people (both in their early 20s) look up information on the internet so they could start applying to school or researching career information. :p I have no idea where my resourcefulness comes from, but that does seem to be lacking judging from interactions with my peers...

    My roommate became more resourceful in later college years, but even my mother was aghast at how helpless she was the first year. :rofl:
     
  2. judiz

    judiz Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2006
    Messages:
    3,274
    I am a pre-k teacher and I stress a lot of independence in my classroom as I am the only teacher in a room of 12 kids. At snack and lunch time, I pour the milk or juice into a measuring cup and the children then pour their own juice into cups. At lunch, I let the set up lunch as a buffet, I serve the children the main course but they help themselves to the fruit or veggie that is being offered that day. The children are responsible for throwing out their garbage when they are finished and for wiping up any spills that occur. When snack consists of crackers and jelly or bagels and cream cheese, I give the children a plastic knife so they can spread their own jelly or cream cheese. All this makes them feel very grown up. Many of the parents in my class have come to me to tell me they see this new independence and responsibility carrying over at home.
     
    gkelly and (deleted member) like this.
  3. Aussie Willy

    Aussie Willy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Messages:
    18,089
    That is such a nice story. I was so lucky my mum sewed (although I hated it when we had to stand on table so she could check the hems on skirts were straight) and passed that onto my sisters and I. I feel sorry for kids who don't have parents who can do the crafty things because they are lovely skills to have.

    The ones that bug me are the skating parents who even when their kids are in their 20s they are still controlling what their kids do in skating.
     
  4. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2006
    Messages:
    6,476
    I learned to bake cookies first, I think, though Mom was very careful about the oven and the Cuisnart blade. I do this for a living now and no way would I give a really little kid a knife that was sharp enough and big enough to be effective and safe (anything shorter than a 6" utility's really not big enough to be safe to do big cutting jobs with) or dull as that's dangerous. I spent too much time around kids and with knives to trust most of them with bladed weapons.

    I can't remember learning to do laundry, but I seem to recall thinking it was fun. I *can* sew, but I hate it, especially making clothes--even the "easy" patterns just seem to be too much work. Mom still makes anything complicated (heck, now she's making reversible bags for my etsy store as she made one for me I carried at World Steam and everyone loved it! I keep telling her, if she could make bulk/generic size versions of the driving coat she made me, she'd make a killing on it--everyone says "Is that from Simplicity #whatever? I have that pattern, I'm too scared to make it!")
     
  5. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2001
    Messages:
    17,504
    I started doing my own laundry around 11, after too many times of wanting to wear something and finding that it was still in the wash :lol: I also did all my own repairs (buttons, tears, and of course in those days, taking in jeans :)) because my dear mother's way of dealing with the sewing was to wait until we grew out of the clothes. :lol:

    Mom always involved us in baking, so at a young age were making cookies and candies with friends, I think I baked my dad a meatloaf for the first time when I was about 8 (Betty Crocker's recipe card file - who remembers??), and given that my mom worked and I was also a picky eater, often made my own dinner too. As for sewing, I was making doll stuff very young and doing embroidery kits, and by about 11 had my own fully stocked sewing kit.

    One day at the in-laws, my MIL declared that she thought kids should be free to go out and play, and that's why she made her sons' beds until they left home. I turned to my husband and said "you know that was just an excuse to go in your room every day" - he glared at her, she looked away. :lol:

    Anyway, agree with all those that say kids can take on a lot more than some parents think, and the experience usually bodes well for them later in life.
     
  6. DAngel

    DAngel Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2002
    Messages:
    706
    You don't have to feel sorry for us, we can pick up the skills if we really want to... :shuffle:


    I am one of those kids who didn't do a single housework until I went to college. It was study! study! and study!! for me. I had at least two (private) extra classes per day (one is school work related, the other one language class). By the time I was done with the two classes it was time for dinner. And then I have to do hw for school and those extra classes... :wuzrobbed )

    I never had any difficulty doing laundry, cooking and other chores though... I found them easy to do... Especially when I'm doing it for myself and therefore can do it however I like... :lol:
     
  7. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,167
    Yeah this was my experience. :) Although my mother put me in piano and art so "I'd have something to do when I'm old." Thinking ahead, that woman. :lol:

    There must be a difference between us (who are resourceful and perfectly capable of cooking and doing laundry, but weren't expected to) and the young people who are too scared to even try. I never grew up thinking that such activities were hard, they just took time and mine was better spent studying. What my parents taught me was that I could learn to do whatever I wanted, if I put in the time and effort.

    I even taught my mom how to knit the last time I saw her, because I had learned on my own. :lol:
     
  8. DAngel

    DAngel Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2002
    Messages:
    706
    I actually don't know people like that... I know many who don't cook/dust/etc because they don't want to, but none who actually want to do it but are just too scared of it...

    Yeah, me too :lol: (I have to add though that I'm not exactly all that great with cooking and cleaning - there are probably better/more efficient ways to doing those chores- but what's important is that they meet my standards :p Plus, making mistakes doing them don't really hurt much:))
     
  9. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2002
    Messages:
    2,262
    Your current situation is not beyond your control; however, you can't control your friend's situation. You need to separate those two thoughts.

    First and foremost, take care of yourself and do what's best for you. Going down with the ship is never the answer.

    Second, if you feel like you have the energy and inclination to help your friend through suggestion, example, support, then go for it. Just remember, the child is not yours. You can't commit to a "program" that the mother doesn't support. You can't parent from the sidelines either.

    Good luck!

    O-
     
  10. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2008
    Messages:
    4,827
    My nephew's mother essentially convinced him that he will burn, cut or otherwise injure himself by doing any cooking more complicated than heating a frozen burrito in the microwave. My brother had to teach him how to use the can opener. So in his case, he actually was a bit scared of doing things. He is learning now, though. In my brother's words, "I have a demanding job; I don't have time to take care of a seventeen year old toddler".

    Anita18--You called my grandmother courageous in an earlier post. You have no idea. Her mother died eight years after her father. She and her older brothers (and one had died before their mother), ran the farm and took care of the younger ones on their own to keep their family together. And this was during the Depression. She and her siblings (they are all deceased now) were the strongest most incredible people I have ever known or ever will know.
     
  11. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Skate America! Go!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,902
    In reply to your original post, haribobo, it sounds to me that the problem isn't the 'parenting strategy' that your friends employs, but rather that she is depressed and unhappy with her life, so she has no capacity left to take care of her child beyond basic physical needs.

    Is there a way you can encourage her to seek some help for herself? Maybe offer babysitting if she sees a counselor or something?

    Once she is in a better state she will be better capable to set some limits for her child (which is sounds like she should).

    rest of thread:
    children are very capable - I remember being 8 or so and helping my mom iron, and clean the bathroom mirrors. I loved cleaning mirrors when I was little. Why do I not still?
     
  12. vesperholly

    vesperholly Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2003
    Messages:
    7,561
    I had a similar experience - fairly self-motivated and wasn't much of a partier in high school. My mother told me years afterwards that her theory of parenting was to be the most "strict" when the child is younger, when they need the most boundaries and discipline, and as they get older, you get less and less strict.

    My siblings and I aren't perfect people, but we are independent adults who can function well in society.
     
  13. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    That was the very first thing I introduced my kids to as far as cleaning. We had floor length mirrors in the bedrooms and I'd spray them and they got to wipe them off. At least the bottom half. They were about 5 and 6. Of course I'd have to redo them but I never let them see that. :lol:
     
  14. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Skate America! Go!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,902
    My son's Montessori preschool have a spray bottle (with water) and rag for them - they 'wipe' the window off :lol: he is 20 month old - you bet I will get him to clean as soon as I can trust him to not eat the cleaning agents :p
     
  15. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    I should have started them earlier. :lol:
     
  16. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,167
    From what I've seen, they're scared of making mistakes. They are only willing to do something if they know they'll be good at it, but that means they never learn anything new...

    So that leaves two possibilities IMO: 1) Their parents convinced them that if you load the washer/dryer wrong or if you burn your food, the house will explode or 2) Their parents convinced them that only perfection was tolerated.

    I'm always telling people, "What's the worst that can happen?" and they look at me like I'm insane. So your white socks turned out lavender or your burnt your eggs a little? Not the end of the world. For most people, they'd have to try pretty darned hard to blow up their house. Even with knitting, you can make a mistake (or eff things up completely like I have many many times), you just undo and hey, you even still have your yarn! :lol:

    That's what my mom claimed she brainwashed us when we were young. Although it was more like, "Don't shame our family! Do your best!" And then she was like, "Whatever" after middle school and my sister and I never got into trouble and always did our best. :lol:

    Our situation is unique though, since many many classmates I knew were afraid of their parents and that's why they never got into trouble. We were taught to think really long-term, and that getting into trouble would not be in our best interests or use of our abilities.

    That's fairly important. :rofl:
     
  17. DAngel

    DAngel Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2002
    Messages:
    706
    I think I have done em all.. :shuffle: I have burnt a couple of pots, explode stuffs in the microwave (chilli, eggs :yikes:), destroyed a hand knit hat in the laundry :scream: And yet, the house still stands :lol:
     
  18. AnnieBgood

    AnnieBgood Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2005
    Messages:
    642
    It seems like my two year old niece knows exactly what she's doing. lol
    She's extremely curious and tests her boundaries. Then, as soon as she knows that we won't give into a tantrum, squealing, or whatever, it passes pretty quickly. Not that she doesn't try to test the same thing more than once, but it gets less and less. Plus, she has a memory like a trap, so we better hold our ground from the get go.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2012
  19. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2008
    Messages:
    4,827
    Kids are smarter than usually assumed. We have often watched the four year old child of some friends of ours work his parents quite deftly. One of his very effective routines is to scream and whine for four or five things at a time. He wants to have popcorn, juice, do a puzzle and watch a video before getting ready for bed for example. He screams this list over and over and parents say he can't. Then he takes one item of the list and continues. They continue saying no. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. And soon enough, he has a glass of juice and his video is playing. He is looking smug and his parents are telling us they don't know why he screams at them like that about everything.
     
  20. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,167
    I have blown up an egg in the microwave trying to cook it. :rofl: Good times!

    I also do extensive research when it comes to washing anything that isn't obviously machine-washable, because if I paid good money for it (or spent a lot of time making it), then I'd better not destroy it trying to wash it. :lol: This is how I came to wash my newly acquired used wedding dress in my bathtub with Tide. :p

    Ah, the terrible twos. My coworker is at odds with her headstrong two-year-old daughter right now. Coworker has OCPD, so she really really REALLY needs things to be in their proper order. Daughter insisted on putting on 6 completely mismatching shirts the other day and my coworker nearly had a heart attack. :lol: There are other behavioral problems as well (the girl can be physically aggressive), and she's at her wit's end, since timeouts don't work anymore, nor does punishments like taking away toys or pulling her from school that day. The little one simply doesn't care.

    I have no idea what I was like at 2, so the only thing I can do is assure her that the phase is temporary. :yikes:
     
  21. Artistic Skaters

    Artistic Skaters Drawing Figures

    Joined:
    May 24, 2002
    Messages:
    4,279
    Oh my, I don't think I would have wanted to give a Jesuit my child for five years when she was young. A Salesian, yes definitely, but not a Jesuit - at least not the Jesuits I experienced when I was that age. :lol:
     
  22. Moto Guzzi

    Moto Guzzi Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    1,765
    I learned to sew when I was 7. I watched my mother and one day decided to try it for myself. She saw me sewing and told me, if I was going to sew, I needed to learn to do it correctly and she taught me. My first project was making a blouse with a collar, short sleeves, and buttons down the front. It was a light turquoise and I made a pleated skirt out of a printed turquoise fabric to go with it. When I was 9 or 10, I wanted a two-piece swimsuit but my mother wouldn't get me one because my one-piece tank suit from the previous summer still fit. While she was at work, I made it into a two-piece suit. She was surprised and told me it was a clever idea. She tended to take me with her when she went clothing shopping because she said that even at a very young age I was good at matching colors and would tell her that a blouse we saw in one store would match a skirt we saw in another. By the time I started high school, I was making most of my clothes and a lot of hers.
     
    PeterG and (deleted member) like this.