Advice needed on telling someone about one's body

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by tracylynn, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. Louise

    Louise Banned Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2003
    Messages:
    560
    I'm very sorry to hear that Tracylynn. I get so tired of people who say to someone who was assaulted years ago to "move on, get over it". The problem is that a child's brain just goes kaput when that happens. You build your defense mechanisms at such an early age, your means of coping, and it truly ends up clouding the rest of your life no matter how much therapy or personal will you put into changing it. Some victims go one way, a hyperintense overachieving neurotic, or a scared how-to-hide-myself whether it's eating/drinking/drugs. Or a combination, of course.

    But good for you, and it's great that you are interacting with this man. You are trying. But please, be honest, send him a real picture, but do NOT be upset if he rejects you physically. He could still be a good friend, pen pal. It bears repeating, sexual attraction is so random, you could look like Demi Moore and he could say "Eh, let's just be friends". So don't be upset of a physical rejection. You might not even be heavy enough to his taste! Think of it that way. Attraction is strange. I once went out on a blind date and was rejected because I was too thin. He was like, oh, I thought you had a more substantial body. Like, what? I've been starving myself to get in shape to look good on this date, only to be dissed for being too thin?!?!

    Good luck, and be happy with who you are, because you clearly can effectively reach people. You have a good heart, and that goes a long way to finding love and friendship.
     
  2. tracylynn

    tracylynn New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2004
    Messages:
    842
    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
     
    Capella, antmanb, Erin and 20 others like this.
  3. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    :) :) :)
     
  4. nursebetty

    nursebetty New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2010
    Messages:
    227
    Good-Luck
     
  5. BigB08822

    BigB08822 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2003
    Messages:
    20,764
    That's wonderful news, best of luck!
     
  6. Bonita

    Bonita Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2003
    Messages:
    498
    ITA with any relationship, no matter whether you're a supermodel or not "perfect," it's all about chemistry - not even so much sexual (at my stage in life still important, but not the be all) - it's more about values, making compromises and supporting each other - whether it's friendship or something more kinky. No relationship lasts without good values that match, whether friend, family or lover.
     
  7. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,159
    Must be a relief, but yes. Trusting him was definitely the right way to go. :)
     
  8. taf2002

    taf2002 Texas slumlord

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    14,128
    YAY! :cheer2: He sounds like a keeper.
     
  9. Badams

    Badams Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,972
    :) that is great news.
     
  10. Guinevere

    Guinevere New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2002
    Messages:
    1,438
    That makes me so happy for you!!! (((Hugs))) Good luck!!!

    I think everyone understands body issues, we all have them and probably always will. I envy those people who are truly not affected by how they look. I, for one, am obsessed with how short my legs are, I always think nothing makes me look good because they're so short and I scrutinize every reflection I see of myself to see how badly short my legs look. I'd compare my legs to every other girl out there to see how mine compared to hers and just burn with envy when I saw long, thin legs. Then I was reading this Weight Watchers blog (I'm also trying to lose weight)and this one blogger had this great post about how she hated her legs for the longest time because they weren't how she wanted them to look. But one day realized her legs have never done anything wrong to her, they've taken her everywhere she needed to go and done everything she wanted so why does she hate them? Kinda made me realize that I'm hating my legs for no good reason too.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2011
  11. genegri

    genegri Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2006
    Messages:
    854
    I am so glad to hear the positive response.

    :respec:
     
  12. Civic

    Civic New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2005
    Messages:
    6,262
    :respec: Amen.
     
  13. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2002
    Messages:
    12,887
    :
    :rollin:):):)

    I'm so happy for you!! Please keep us posted on how it goes when you finally meet. Hope that love is in the stars for you.
     
  14. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2002
    Messages:
    12,887
    Interesting theory. But you're assuming that people in relationships have their mind and body in the'right' state and if they don't, the relationships won't last.

    Trust me, there are many imperfect people in lasting relationships and many single people out there would will die before they've figured everything out and got it all right.
     
    Habs and (deleted member) like this.
  15. vesperholly

    vesperholly Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2003
    Messages:
    7,559
    Glad to hear it. I hope your meeting goes well. Hope for us all! :D
     
  16. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2002
    Messages:
    14,100
    He does!
    I'm happy for you, too.
     
  17. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2006
    Messages:
    6,474
    Especially since NO ONE thinks their body is perfect. "I'm going to lose ten pounds/dye my hair/get a nose job/whatever physical modification and then I'll be happy" is a recipe for disaster when you discover that you're just ten pounds lighter/blonde/have a tiny nose and your life STILL sucks.

    There are plenty of people who are "imperfect" (whatever that means) who are happy, and plenty obsessing over being perfect who are miserable. 99% of it is not about starving yourself (NO SANE DIETICIAN will recommend any sort of extended juice fast, because it is not a healthy way of eating, that's just reality--all extreme diets are bad for you and you cannot maintain them--seriously, I like juicing things, but just eating the vegetables works, too) and hitting the gym until you're ready for the Iron Man Triathalon, it's about getting in a healthy MENTAL place where you don't hate your body no matter what shape it's in (as you're never going to always be healthy, thin, fat, etc.) And while there ARE people who are so mentally distrubed they should be in therapy until they can be trusted in public, the OP does not sound like one of them. There is no magic number on a scale or percentage of the day you feel happy you must reach before you should try to establish relationships with others.
     
  18. pilgrimsoul

    pilgrimsoul Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2003
    Messages:
    337
    Yay, tracylynn! :D:kickass::biggrinbo
     
  19. skaternum

    skaternum Grooving!

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,036
    I don't think you should TELL him anything. A sure way to guarantee that you'll never see this man again is to unload your body issues on him! Men (well, women too) do not like dealing with someone else's insecurities, neurosis, and major issues. Just honor his request and send him the most flattering full body shot you have. If he has a problem with it, better to find out sooner than later. I'm guessing he won't, just based on what you've said about him.

    I also agree with those who've said that your real challenge should be to learn to accept yourself as you are, while working toward a healthier lifestyle.
     
  20. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,159
    I had to laugh at this because I bet your legs aren't as short as you think they are. I have a friend who also bemoans her short legs - she actually refuses to wear anything short because she hates the way her legs look that much. Even my mom commented on it because she saw us together when it was close to 100F out...and my friend was in full length jeans. :eek: She's always said how she wished she had my legs because they're long.

    We were bored late one night and started measuring ourselves and IMing each other with the results. And whaddya know, her legs are actually the same length as mine! :lol: She COULD NOT believe it and made me double check! I LOLed myself into the following Thursday. Actually it still makes me :rofl: We determined my legs just look longer because I have more contrast between my knee/ankle and calf measurements, not that they're actually long. So it's likely that your legs aren't that short, you just have a lot of muscle attached to your knees and ankles. :)

    I know what you mean though. I finally got over the "I have no boobs I'll never be attractive to guys" neuroses after college, but I still go a little :mad: inside when I see a girl with a teeny tiny waist. I'm skinny and you can see my ribs, why don't I have a tiny waist dammit? And yes, my waist is quantifiably large, I recently had to punch an extra hole into a belt because it wasn't big enough, and I always always always wear an S on top. But my ribcage holds in my internal organs, so it's pretty important. Although I still maintain it really doesn't have to be this wide to do so. :lol:

    Since removing ribs and shaving the top of my pelvis is a really stupid idea, I think the only way to fix that is to make my waist look smaller compared to the rest of my body. Bigger hips, that's the answer! :lol: And yeah, I like to joke about it too. People think skinny girls don't have stretch marks or are all built the same, and I go, "Hold up, I will prove you wrong!" :lol:

    Exactly. When I was single I thought I had to be perfect to find a man, but it's just that I hadn't found someone mutually compatible with my imperfection.
     
  21. pat c

    pat c Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2001
    Messages:
    9,708
    :) Good. Now you have that out of the way and can go onto other things.

    Best of luck.
     
  22. aliceanne

    aliceanne Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2010
    Messages:
    2,222
    I agree with Angelskates. Tell him what you told us. Your honesty and sensitivity are what made him like you in the first place.

    He may not even be surprised. Your excuses about not sending pics may have tipped him off that you are feeling insecure about your appearance.
     
  23. vesperholly

    vesperholly Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2003
    Messages:
    7,559
    It's a universal law: What some people prize, others despise. :lol: I have a very large waist-to-hip ratio, always have. When I was in high school, I termed it "ridgy butt action" because every time I bought a dress, it rode up over my butt. If pants fit in the hips/butt, they gape in the waist. I'm an XL top but 18/20 bottom. It's a combination of a slightly swayed back, overweight skater butt and straight-up genetics.

    We can't win for trying!
     
  24. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2004
    Messages:
    12,791
    I don't agree. To me, one of the great things about having a partner, or even a friend, is having someone to share your insecurities, neurosis, and major issues with - and having someone to support me through them. And the minor issues too.
     
  25. tracylynn

    tracylynn New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2004
    Messages:
    842
    He has seen a body pic of me and he doesn't mind. Today I realized something..he calls me hun a lot.
     
  26. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2002
    Messages:
    12,887
    She told him, he said it didn't bother him, she sent him a full body pic, and he still calls her hun.

    So there. :p
     
  27. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,159
    Well I don't think anyone would "prize" having a large waist, but you're right. It's really just me being picky, because nobody ever notices my large waist until I point it out myself. :shuffle: They only see how skinny I am and assume that my waist must be tiny too. Honestly, the perception should be enough, right? :eek:

    Which proves another point - nobody will ever feel they're "perfect." People who actively try to attain it end up like Heidi Montag, a caricature of a human. :yikes:

    Sure, but at the same time, even if something really bothers you, it doesn't help to be griping about it 24/7 either. :shuffle: Like, my friend only specifically bemoaned to me about her short legs once or twice, but I notice that she never wears shorts so I put 2 and 2 together. It wasn't like she brought it up every time she saw someone else wearing shorts. Then she'd just look certifiable. :eek:

    And you were worried about him rejecting you just because of a pic! :lol: There's a level of closeness where you can trust someone, and you've definitely crossed that threshold a while ago. :)

    Also, you're doing yourself a disservice by thinking that he simply "doesn't mind" it. He could like you for you - ALL of you.
     
    taf2002 and (deleted member) like this.
  28. Andrushka

    Andrushka New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2004
    Messages:
    3,114
    Yay!That's great! I wish you the best of luck. :)
     
  29. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2006
    Messages:
    6,474
    If you've never met in person and are just getting to know each other, don't dump "This is my body, I'm unhappy about it, I think I'm fat/ugly/old/whatever, but I'm working on it, I promise!" That just says "Wow, neurotic loser, run far away!" It also, if unbeknownst to you they find your photos attractive, is saying "Your taste sucks if you think THIS is hot."
     
  30. Moto Guzzi

    Moto Guzzi Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    1,762
    :cheer::cheer::cheer: I'm happy for you!