Advice needed on telling someone about one's body

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by tracylynn, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. tracylynn

    tracylynn New Member

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    Let me just say that I'm more of a reader on this board than a poster. I really feel like I don't have much to contribute to posts so that I is why I normally just read the posts. I do think there is some good advice that is given here and that is why I am now asking for advice.

    Here goes..I befriended a soldier a few years ago through a program where I would send this soldier care packages every month. Well, this soldier and I ended up having a lot in common and we would share things. He's even told me things that he hasn't told anyone else, and I do believe that because of what he told me. We've talked on the phone and have flirted with each other at times. I really do enjoy talking to this guy and he's even invited me to come visit him in Boston since I've always wanted to go there and visit the historical sites.

    The issue is my looks. He knows what my face looks like but not my body. He has asked for more pics and I always give him an excuse about why I didn't send a pic. I haven't sent him a pic because I am overweight and I am ashamed in how I look. I am trying to lose weight but it's hard. I know I do need to tell him about my body but I don't know how I should do it. Should I send him a pic or just tell him? I know I need to do this soon but I am afraid that he will stop talking to me. Part of me feels like he should have an idea that I am overweight since I keep giving him excuses for not sending him a pic (excuses like."oh, my camera broke', "phone is not charged" "left the camera/phone at my folks house" and so on). But I also know that if he walks away from me then he's not worth being a friend. So, how would you tell someone about your body? In case you are wandering, yeah, I do have very low self-esteem. I've always have and always will.

    Thanks!
    agalisgv and (deleted member) like this.
  2. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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    It's tough, but I would tell him. Hopefully, he will respond in a positive way. If he doesn't, it's better to find out now than later. I was really overweight for most of my 30's and 40's. I know what it's like, and what the constant struggle to loose weight is like. Don't be too hard on yourself. :(
  3. Satellitegirl

    Satellitegirl New Member

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    I agree about telling him asap. Even if you don't send him a pic, at least tell him how much you weigh, so he has an idea. As nubka said, it's better to find out now, rather than later(for you, that is).
  4. Angelskates

    Angelskates Active Member

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    I wouldn't tell him what you weigh - I'd explain exactly what you explained to us, see what he says, and then maybe send a photo.
  5. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I don't think he needs specifics either - not everyone has a good gauge of how weight looks on people anyway. Actually, in my experience guys have NO idea how weight looks on a woman. Like, absolutely no inkling. Telling him your weight will achieve nothing.

    Even though I have pretty normal self-esteem, I find the best way to disclose something I'm embarrassed about is to joke about it a little. I'm quite the opposite of overweight, but instead of hiding how boy-like my body is, I joke how people can do laundry on my chest. :p Humor automatically relaxes everyone involved.

    But even if you don't want to go quite that far, honesty is always the best policy in these cases, especially when you think you're going to meet someone in person. Just be honest, and if you're embarrassed about it, feel free to tell him. If he's told you things he's never told anyone else, I think he'd hope that you could confide in him as well. It'd be quite another thing if you'd just met him online and didn't have that sort of closeness, but since you're already pretty close, it's highly unlikely he'll walk away just because of how your body looks.
  6. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

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    I just want to give you a hug, tracylynn.

    Be honest with him, but please don't be hard on yourself.

    There are plenty of people out there who care more about who a person is than what they look like. As women we learn to judge ourselves based on how we look. But in truth, lots of men judge us much less harshly. Yes, there are plenty of jerks out there, but that is not all of men.

    You've developed a special friendship with this man, trust in that and be yourself.
  7. haribobo

    haribobo Well-Known Member

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    Watch this documentary and start juicing.

    http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

    The guy isn't your problem, your body problems are. Tackle that, then see where you can go with the relationship. In the meantime, keep the friendship going.
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2011
  8. joeperryfan

    joeperryfan Well-Known Member

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    In general head shots give some clue about someone's weight, so it's unlikely he is expecting you to be stick thin and with your avoidance of the issue it's probably making him wonder. My advice? Take a nice photo of yourself if you don't have one already, by nice I mean in flattering light, wearing flattering clothes, make-up if you like it, with a nice smile and a happy look. Looking happy is a lot more important than whatever your weight is, if you look depressed it just doesn't help at all. The trust you have built over time won't wear off over a few pounds, he won't stop liking you. Guys usually don't care about looks as much as we think, and those who do aren't worth your time anyway.

    Good luck and remember the one making a big deal about this is you, not him. :)
  9. snoopy

    snoopy Team St. Petersburg

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    Tracylynn - I suspect you may think larger women aren’t supposed to be in relationships and that is fueling self-doubt. But all kinds of overweight women are in relationships, married, etc. Look around you for some examples and take some comfort in that. You don’t have to be a trailblazer, all kinds of people fall in love all the time. And guys have a wider range as to what they consider attractive than women do IME.
  10. Scintillation

    Scintillation New Member

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    One tip: guys like confidence.
  11. Veronika

    Veronika gold dust woman

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    Both great points...it's only a big deal if you make it one. He may not care about extra weight--not every guy does. I think we believe that men care about perfect bodies all of the time--but to a lot of them, a perfect female body is mostly about a fantasy.

    My husband is one of those guys who doesn't. I beat myself up about my weight, but he never chides me for it and still loves my body.
  12. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. If he isn't totally clueless, he'll already have some idea of your size by your headshot anyway. People can pick out my own size when I'm covered head-to-toe in puffy winter clothes. I have no idea how they do it because you can't see any outline of anything, but apparently it's very obvious from my face shape and my wrist size. :eek:

    Most men don't care. Some do, but they're on the whole immature teenage doofuses who've never encountered a real-life woman in the flesh. Any woman is better off without such a man.

    My own bf doesn't care that I'm built like a boy and even thinks I have curves. :lol:

    Definitely. One of my classmates is overweight and her bf is a (who I'm presuming to be hot) Marine. :lol: Well I've never met him, but at the very least he'd have to be in good shape. :p It doesn't matter how much she weighs, her weight is actually probably the last thing I'd use to describe her, because her upbeat and optimistic personality trumps any of that.

    Also, my ex-bf preferred an overweight, extremely well-endowed girl over skinny-minny me. To him, she's super-hot the way she is. :) Why he even had an attraction for me (who is the complete opposite of his "type") in the first place is a mystery, but guys are strange that way and sometimes body type doesn't matter at all.

    You already have something special going on with this guy. Trust him. :)
  13. BigB08822

    BigB08822 Well-Known Member

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    It is possible to have head shots that are quite misleading. Especially if this is ones intent. Not saying tracylynn is doing this, but if she is worried about her body then she probably only sends pictures which she thinks are the most flattering. Natural. My cousin is quite large and you wouldn't know it from her FB pics. You can tell she isn't skinny but trust me, you have no idea just how big she is from those pics.
  14. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

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    My advice to anyone who has physical insecurities and wants to get to know someone better is to befriend them, get to know them, see if you have chemistry and like interests and click. Once you connect with someone, the more surface issues fall away and become less important.

    tracylynn, you've ALREADY clicked with this guy. You are beyond the superficial. Trust in that friendship as best you can and send a photo like the one Japanfan suggests.

    It really sounds like you want to take the next step with this guy. If that's true, then it will never happen if you keep avoiding the weight issue and you'll be no further along then you are now. So take the next step.

    Good luck!

    O-
  15. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    Some of my best friends are very overweight and have always had active dating lives, and are happily married. Meanwhile skinny me has trouble finding a date. It's all in the self-confidence. You say you have bad self esteem and will always have bad self esteem, but that doesn't have to be true. You might want to seek some counseling to sort through these issues.

    As for the guy, I would send the most flattering full-body photo you have. No apologies, no explanations. Don't send a note explaining you are afraid he'll dump you if he knows you are overweight--that screams low self-confidence. This is where you are in your life; own it.

    Hugs!!!
  16. pilgrimsoul

    pilgrimsoul Active Member

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    Just had to repost this - this one little sentence says so much. Be who you are, honey, and go get your guy. You are good enough for him just the way you are. What's important here is that YOU know it, regardless of how your relationship with him turns out.
  17. Bonita

    Bonita Active Member

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    I would just send a flattering picture and let that do the talking.

    Everyone has different standards of what is attractive. I did on-line dating ages ago, and a guy I met in person told me I was a lot "heavier" than he expected (I am 5'8" and was 135 at the time, oh, yeah, so heavy, grrrr).

    I have a friend who only date overweight women. He says there's more to love. Like everyone said, you are you. That should be enough. It is incredibly difficult to lose weight, I lost 30 pounds at one point and that was so hard.
  18. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    That's not a documentary, that's a commercial for a juicer. (One that while it DOES work quite well is a b*tch to clean.)

    And nice, automatically assuming she has 'body problems' solved by a "diet" that's not at all healthy. I'm sure an eating disorder would solve all her problems.

    I agree with Anita, snoopy, Cheylana et al. Send him a picture, don't apologize or make excuses. Don't crash-diet, don't make excuses, just send a picture. If you want to work on fitness (as opposed to 'lose weight any way you can') work on that for yourself, not out of fear of what someone else might think of you.
    dbell1 and (deleted member) like this.
  19. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    I echo pilgrimsoul's wise counsel.
    Be confident; and go for it.

    If he doesn't respond positively, he's not the person for you.
  20. Andrushka

    Andrushka New Member

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    I say take a nice pic of yourself and send it to him.I was alot heavier than I am now about 2 years ago and I had to tell a guy "Hey look I'm not stick thin".I think i was a 14/16 at that point(baby weight),he walked away.Then he wanted to be friends again once he found out I had lost all my baby weight(sz 6/8 now).Whatever LOL Guys like that aren't worth your time.So,just show him and if he walks away,let him. He may like you just the way you are :) The guys that stick with you whether you are a 14/16 or a 8 are the ones worth having around. I will second(or third or whatever) what someone said about owning this time in your life. Dress the body you have now and don't wait till you are the weight you want to be to feel good and confident about yourself and your body.I know it's hard to do.But no matter the size,you are still beautiful and unique. Good luck! :)
  21. haribobo

    haribobo Well-Known Member

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    My blender/juicer thing is super easy to clean- I got the Ninja and the blades part slides right out so you just have to rinse the blender and blades seperately. It was $40 and I love it.

    The website is like a commercial but the documentary is on netflix and its amazing. Juicing is extremely healthy, whether you do the fast (for which the website gives you instructions on how to prepare for it- personally its a bit drastic to take on for me but obviously it worked for everyone AND improved their overall health, not just weight loss) or just supplement your diet with it, which is what I'm doing so I can still have protein and whatnot.

    IMO it is not a good idea to say, well I hate my body, I have low self esteem, but I am in love with this guy so how do I break it to him gently that I hate my body? That's not at all the right way to go about things. Get your mind and body right, see a trainer and therapist if at all financially possible, work on confidence, THEN go after the guy when you're in a better state. Of course people will say he likes me for me, and I'm sure he does like your personality, but attraction is an important factor in a relationship too. Eventually something is going to break down if one or the other person hates themselves. Work on the confidence, work on yourself first, relationship comes later. And don't flake out!

    OR, maybe you already look awesome but you just have a problem seeing it. In which case, therapy.
  22. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    Well, that might be good advice in some instances, I suppose, but if she wants THIS guy, I think she needs to do something a little sooner. Putting him off for months while she sees a therapist and a trainer and all that is not particularly feasible. She's already been putting him off; you can only do that for so long.

    I think tracylynn's dilemma comes down to this: Telling him will be hard to do, and it might end badly. But if you don't take that risk, it will inevitably end, anyway, although it might be less painful that way. Is this relationship worth the risk? Only tracylynn knows the answer to that one. I would say tell him, because if I didn't tell, I would go crazy later wondering what might have been. But that's me; I have to KNOW.:p What if it ended up that he loved me just as I was? What if we could have been happy together? You won't know unless you try.
  23. liv

    liv Well-Known Member

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    As hard as it is, just come clean. Being open and honest to someone who has already been very honest with you is the best policy. It's made him vulnerable to you, and guys don't do that too willingly.

    There's no shame in saying you've had some issues with your weight and you're trying to do something about it, but finding it difficult. And what better way to find out what he's really like than to see how he responds to that. If he sees it as an opportunity to support you, or help motivate you, then you know he cares about YOU.

    Like others have said, there's a risk in telling him, but there's also the risk in not telling him and you've got to give him the chance.
  24. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, those would be one of those immature teenage doofuses I was referring to. :lol: You are much better off without him!

    Or someone who sticks with you when you're teetering at the 00 mark because you've been sick for months and can't eat anything (go out to eat? Pfft!) or do anything physically strenuous without feeling like you're going to puke. :eek:

    That's the guy worth keeping. :)

    I didn't quite understand this when I was single - I too thought that I had be "perfect" and had to have everything figured out before I could be in a relationship. A friend of mine (recently married her bf of 10 years) told me that you don't have to be perfect, you just have to accept each other the way you are, and be willing to go on the journey of life together.

    I mean, it isn't like you're a commodity, where the "has it all figured out" person is somehow more valuable. :p We're all human, and perfection is overrated (and unattainable) anyway.
  25. AxelAnnie

    AxelAnnie Well-Known Member

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    Ditto that. Great advice.
  26. Louise

    Louise Banned Member

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    Thank you, just watched it last week. Not impressed. I'm sure ANYONE would lose weight if they did not eat a balanced diet for 3 months or whatever and just drank 'juice'. But where does that leave you when you go back to actually, uh, EATING?

    I want to lose weight, I'd love to lose 50 pounds that I've gained over the last decade, but the hell I'm going to starve myself with 'juices' for 3 months.

    Tracylynn, you absolutely need to send a full body pic before he sees you. Everyone strategically puts up their best non-fat pics. But if this man is meeting you with romantic intentions, you cannot, CANNOT show up and have him shell-shocked. I know it sounds brutal, but you are who you are, and it's better he sees who you are before he meets you. No one likes an unexpected surprise.

    And hon, we all have body issues, well most of us do. I've learned my 'place' in the pecking order. But I would never carry on a would-be relationship online with someone without them knowing the entire me. He might not care if you are overweight. But he might be repulsed. And it's not that he's a jerk, maybe he envisions you in his head as looking a certain way. You definitely cannot just meet him without warning. It's not fair to him, and it will only hurt you when you see the disappointment on his face.

    I'm not saying send him a bikini pic, but lord... Send him a full body picture, one that accurately represents your body type, and say something like "This is me. I'm a bit heavier than I'd like to be, stress and stress eating is my enemy, but I'm happy with who I am."

    And sexual attraction is so random. I find myself to be exceedingly attracted to unattractive men, but who have a confidence and chutzpah. Nice teeth help too. But he might not care, but for heaven's sake do not make this a disastrous first meeting. It's not fair to him. If I can be so rude, how tall are you and how much do you weigh? Can you pull off the weight with confidence? Or is this beyond hope? Let us know.
  27. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yes, this is exactly how I'd word it, aside from maybe an addition of "and I'm working on it." :)
  28. haribobo

    haribobo Well-Known Member

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    It actually tastes pretty good to me, and it doesn't really feel like starving after a couple days getting used to it- they are very filling. If I had 50 pounds to lose, I'd do a modified version of it, prolly eggs and wheat toast in addition to the juices. People always say "oh that's crazy" until they get knocked down by a serious health matter and realize they should have tried some things like this or at spent a few of those hours on the couch at the gym or jogging in the park instead. Not saying that's your situation, nor am I saying its easy, but its WORTH IT.

    As for the juice diet, the idea is that you break your habits and cravings of the crap fast food/burgers/hot dogs/sugar/soda/caffeine and just get the nutrients in your body. Then you transition back to a diet where you are still having the juices and add in some healthy foods. Obviously if you go back to eating crap then you're pretty much an idiot that wants to get diabetes.
  29. Aussie Willy

    Aussie Willy Well-Known Member

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    I would tell him that I am Rubenesque (as in the art style). That is what I do if anyone asks me for a description of my body.
  30. tracylynn

    tracylynn New Member

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    Thanks everyone! I will tell him how I look. He texted me while I was at work asking where his pic was but I was not able to respond to him at that time. I will say that I have told him a few times that I didn't like my pics and he always would respond that he didn't care, but I told him I did. As for my head shot, well, someone at work took and, IMO, it was an ok pic. I was smiling, which is unusual for me, but I hated my hair.

    I know I have issues which I would love to talk to a therapist but I cannot afford it. My weight and self esteem issues basically stems from the fact that I was assault as a child. I have been trying to work through that but it's hard. I know I will get through it one day.

    Thanks!
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  31. Louise

    Louise Banned Member

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    I'm very sorry to hear that Tracylynn. I get so tired of people who say to someone who was assaulted years ago to "move on, get over it". The problem is that a child's brain just goes kaput when that happens. You build your defense mechanisms at such an early age, your means of coping, and it truly ends up clouding the rest of your life no matter how much therapy or personal will you put into changing it. Some victims go one way, a hyperintense overachieving neurotic, or a scared how-to-hide-myself whether it's eating/drinking/drugs. Or a combination, of course.

    But good for you, and it's great that you are interacting with this man. You are trying. But please, be honest, send him a real picture, but do NOT be upset if he rejects you physically. He could still be a good friend, pen pal. It bears repeating, sexual attraction is so random, you could look like Demi Moore and he could say "Eh, let's just be friends". So don't be upset of a physical rejection. You might not even be heavy enough to his taste! Think of it that way. Attraction is strange. I once went out on a blind date and was rejected because I was too thin. He was like, oh, I thought you had a more substantial body. Like, what? I've been starving myself to get in shape to look good on this date, only to be dissed for being too thin?!?!

    Good luck, and be happy with who you are, because you clearly can effectively reach people. You have a good heart, and that goes a long way to finding love and friendship.
  32. tracylynn

    tracylynn New Member

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    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
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  33. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    :) :) :)
  34. nursebetty

    nursebetty New Member

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  35. BigB08822

    BigB08822 Well-Known Member

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    That's wonderful news, best of luck!
  36. Bonita

    Bonita Active Member

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    ITA with any relationship, no matter whether you're a supermodel or not "perfect," it's all about chemistry - not even so much sexual (at my stage in life still important, but not the be all) - it's more about values, making compromises and supporting each other - whether it's friendship or something more kinky. No relationship lasts without good values that match, whether friend, family or lover.
  37. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Must be a relief, but yes. Trusting him was definitely the right way to go. :)
  38. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

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    YAY! :cheer2: He sounds like a keeper.
  39. Badams

    Badams Well-Known Member

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    :) that is great news.
  40. Guinevere

    Guinevere New Member

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    That makes me so happy for you!!! (((Hugs))) Good luck!!!

    I think everyone understands body issues, we all have them and probably always will. I envy those people who are truly not affected by how they look. I, for one, am obsessed with how short my legs are, I always think nothing makes me look good because they're so short and I scrutinize every reflection I see of myself to see how badly short my legs look. I'd compare my legs to every other girl out there to see how mine compared to hers and just burn with envy when I saw long, thin legs. Then I was reading this Weight Watchers blog (I'm also trying to lose weight)and this one blogger had this great post about how she hated her legs for the longest time because they weren't how she wanted them to look. But one day realized her legs have never done anything wrong to her, they've taken her everywhere she needed to go and done everything she wanted so why does she hate them? Kinda made me realize that I'm hating my legs for no good reason too.
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2011