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PRlady
08-17-2012, 05:30 PM
Thanks for everyoneís well wishes. We talked on the phone last night, but I didnít go there. I think that itís subject matter for a face-to-face conversation. I noticed I had a stomach ache yesterday and a little today. It was either the anxiety of this situation or the stuffed eggplant I ate. ;)

Posting on a skating listserve is not an absolutely reliable indicator of mental health :P but you seem pretty sane and well-balanced about yourself and the situation. Good luck tomorrow.

OliviaPug
08-17-2012, 05:32 PM
Question: Why does it always seem like it's the woman who feels the need to discuss "where the relationship is going"? I know I'm generalizing here, but ...

I'm thinking guys for the most part just take action and assume you'll "see" where the relationship is going. Am I right? Do I hopelessly misunderstand men?

O-

OliviaPug
08-17-2012, 05:34 PM
Posting on a skating listserve is not an absolutely reliable indicator of mental health :P but you seem pretty sane and well-balanced about yourself and the situation. Good luck tomorrow.

:lol: I've been on FSU for 10 years! Sane? Maybe not. :shuffle: And, truthfully, there are some pretty smart and insightful folks on this board. Thanks for the good luck wishes :)

O-

PRlady
08-17-2012, 05:34 PM
Question: Why does it always seem like it's the woman who feels the need to discuss "where the relationship is going"? I know I'm generalizing here, but ...

I'm thinking guys for the most part just take action and assume you'll "see" where the relationship is going. Am I right? Do I hopelessly misunderstand men?

O-

Hell no you don't misunderstand men. Women only have to say each other that it's time to schedule the relationship talk for other women to understand. Show me a man who initiates that conversation and I'll show you a guy whose heterosexuality is in doubt.

ETA: As to why, well, it means actually dissecting emotion and listening and "not fixing" and many other things men are traditionally (not always) bad at. Also men are terrified that their women think they might be more committed than they are. The one serious relationship I had with a man who loved discussing the relationship...he ended up exemplifying that adage to beware of men who cry. They are extremely sensitive to feelings -- their own.

OliviaPug
08-17-2012, 05:38 PM
PRlady: :lol:

OK. At least I've learned something after all these years ...

O-

skatesindreams
08-17-2012, 05:53 PM
Any independent, responsible adult woman needs to ask these questions.
Consequences - which don't always seem to exist for men - ensue, if she doesn't.

Anita18
08-17-2012, 07:42 PM
Hell no you don't misunderstand men. Women only have to say each other that it's time to schedule the relationship talk for other women to understand. Show me a man who initiates that conversation and I'll show you a guy whose heterosexuality is in doubt.
My fiance first brought up the possibility of marriage. "If you want to talk about it...I'm open" were his words. Then again, he'd had a bit of wine. :lol:

The convo OliviaPug has to have with him also doesn't really necessitate an all-encompassing "relationship talk." This is just one issue, and it's best to tackle one issue at a time. Now, if the underlying issue is that she's afraid they're moving too fast, then the conversation can start to lean that way. But the approach should be about boundaries and the kids.

We personally don't really do "relationship talks." As you said OlivaPug, men want to "fix" things. If you complain, they want to fix. There has to be something in there that they can do to help. I'm a bit like that too, but at least I'll listen without freaking out I can't fix. :lol:

I personally don't believe in "relationship talks." We have an idea of what we'd like our life to be together, but as they say, nature has a penchant for ruining well-laid plans. :)

OliviaPug
08-17-2012, 07:54 PM
All true, Anita18. I didn't want to have this talk, but circumstances are necessitating it. If he really believes it would be OK to have the kids stay with us at my place ... and have us sleeping in the other room ... a boundary discussion has to take place. Pronto. And, there is a very easy "fix," so he should be happy!

O-

JasperBoy
08-18-2012, 03:30 AM
Throwing in another perspective here...that of the kids.
I base this on the reaction of my young grandsons to their parents' new relationships.

Kids can get attached and invested in the relationship, too. If it the relationship does not progress, or breaks up, the kids can feel they have lost an important person in their life. They are hurt.

Only proceed if you are really interested in the man and hope to remain in a relationship. More than one heart may be broken if it fails.

PRlady
08-18-2012, 07:28 PM
There are probably 1000 different scenarios.

My ex-husband (#2) was a childless stepparent, much older than me. He thought he was wonderful to my daughter and true, he really cared about her. But he was and is a finicky, self-absorbed man with 19th century standards, with a very short fuse, and that's a bad combination with a teenager...

When we finally split up four years ago and I watched my then college-age daughter relax into our little rental apartment, I realized she had told me the truth -- she DID think we should get divorced and waiting til she was done high school and gone was probably a mistake. She was so much happier not living with him.

Postscript: they want to the Nats game last night and had a great time. Daughter continues to see him even though she doesn't have to, just like my own stepchildren see me. She just doesn't want to live with him and thought it was a bad marriage.

OliviaPug
08-20-2012, 01:51 AM
Update: He never even brought the subject up about this week and the kids coming. I was hoping he would, so that would have been the conversation-starter. But things are never that easy! I eased into the subject by asking what he had planned with the kids for their week together. He mentioned a few things, but said he hadn't planned too much. I then bit the bullet and told him how I felt about the situation, how I felt comfortable with things "as is." I told him I thought his kids were great and that I really like him and very much enjoy his company, but that I wasn't ready to take the next step. I reminded him that it had been a long time since I was able to take care of myself, and that I was still recovering and healing in many ways from my former relationship, my health crisis, and my divorce. I told him that I wasn't counting out the possibility in the future, but that right now this is the way I felt. I told him he should feel comfortable talking with me about his feelings on the subject -- even if he thought he might hurt me in the process.

He was remarkably generous in his response, but he is a great guy and I expected as much. I fear, however, that I hurt him and he just won't tell me or let it show. I even verbalized that I was afraid to have the conversation because I like him and didn't want to hurt him in any way. He smiled and held my hand and thanked me for sharing my feelings with him. He didn't say much more than that.

I guess we'll see what happens next, if anything. I hope he thinks over what I said and that we can continue to talk about this -- especially if he needs to share his feelings. I'm afraid, though, that he'll shut down and that will be that.

I suppose we shall see.

O-

Anita18
08-20-2012, 01:59 AM
Update: He never even brought the subject up about this week and the kids coming. I was hoping he would, so that would have been the conversation-starter. But things are never that easy! I eased into the subject by asking what he had planned with the kids for their week together. He mentioned a few things, but said he hadn't planned too much. I then bit the bullet and told him how I felt about the situation, how I felt comfortable with things "as is." I told him I thought his kids were great and that I really like him and very much enjoy his company, but that I wasn't ready to take the next step. I reminded him that it had been a long time since I was able to take care of myself, and that I was still recovering and healing in many ways from my former relationship, my health crisis, and my divorce. I told him that I wasn't counting out the possibility in the future, but that right now this is the way I felt. I told him he should feel comfortable talking with me about his feelings on the subject -- even if he thought he might hurt me in the process.

He was remarkably generous in his response, but he is a great guy and I expected as much. I fear, however, that I hurt him and he just won't tell me or let it show. I even verbalized that I was afraid to have the conversation because I like him and didn't want to hurt him in any way. He smiled and held my hand and thanked me for sharing my feelings with him. He didn't say much more than that.

I guess we'll see what happens next, if anything. I hope he thinks over what I said and that we can continue to talk about this -- especially if he needs to share his feelings. I'm afraid, though, that he'll shut down and that will be that.

I suppose we shall see.

O-
You can't start assuming things like that. Otherwise you'll put thoughts in his head that he never had in the first place. :lol:

Take him at his word. It won't be your fault if he fails at his end of the communication. You've done your best.

Aussie Willy
08-20-2012, 02:32 AM
You did the right thing and had the conversation that had to be had. But I agree with Anita18 that you probably shouldn't make assumptions. Sounds like it went okay. I wouldn't overanalyse is too much.

Anita18
08-20-2012, 05:20 AM
Yeah if you start verbally worrying over every little thing he says, he'll simply not tell you anything. This is why I don't tell my dad anything. :lol: Gotta keep things in perspective. Just because he doesn't have anything to say to you right now may mean he simply doesn't have an opinion at this moment, or needs to think about it more before verbalizing. Some people think out loud, while others think first before saying anything.

skateboy
08-20-2012, 05:27 AM
Add me to list of those who commend you for doing the right thing.

You've been honest with him, try not to worry. Your feelings were never going to remain bottled up forever, so whatever happens, happens. Hoping for the outcome that YOU want, Olivia!