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OliviaPug
08-16-2012, 08:07 PM
Southpaw: OK. Now I'm curious! I'll have to spend some time checking out all the batshit men and women! :lol:

Anita18: You're so right ("You can't be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings by being honest with your own.") That has been my mistake in the past -- disregarding my feelings in favor of my partner's. I will have the conversation ... and keep the car door open while the discussion is underway ... ;)

wickedwitch: That seems like a benevolent enough reason. I hope they do want their dad happy because he's a phenomenal father who loves them so much.

O-

Southpaw
08-16-2012, 08:16 PM
Well sure the kidlets want their father to be happy, but a big component in making their father happy is by accepting THEM wholly and completely. But that's where your angsting is coming into play which is why you started this thread in the first place. You're not ready for that yet. You're not ready for sleepovers and I'm with heckles on this, that was pretty ballsy on his part to suggest that. That is something that is for you to offer and not for him to expect.

OliviaPug
08-16-2012, 08:59 PM
I'm a little bothered about the whole "ballsy" aspect of this recent development. It seems so unlike him. Maybe a side of him I haven't yet seen ...

O-

Badams
08-16-2012, 09:02 PM
Well sure the kidlets want their father to be happy, but a big component in making their father happy is by accepting THEM wholly and completely. But that's where your angsting is coming into play which is why you started this thread in the first place. You're not ready for that yet. You're not ready for sleepovers and I'm with heckles on this, that was pretty ballsy on his part to suggest that. That is something that is for you to offer and not for him to expect.

I think it would be ballsy for her to offer it as well. It's something they should discuss before EITHER makes the suggestion. He seems to have skipped an entire step.

Anita18
08-16-2012, 09:11 PM
Anita18: You're so right ("You can't be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings by being honest with your own.") That has been my mistake in the past -- disregarding my feelings in favor of my partner's. I will have the conversation ... and keep the car door open while the discussion is underway ... ;)
Yeah, and at the same time, it's definitely helpful to know when the issue is with you. I mean, if you're bothered by something that you know is partly just you, let your partner know to get it off your chest, but don't make it their job to fix it completely. Say that it's something you're working on, but that you would really appreciate it if they could try and help too.

Southpaw
08-16-2012, 09:13 PM
I think it would be ballsy for her to offer it as well. It's something they should discuss before EITHER makes the suggestion. He seems to have skipped an entire step.

Yes I agree. The reason why I'm saying it's ballsy on his part is because he wants Olivia to open her home to the sleepover.

Olivia, just because this guy isn't verbally communicating things to you doesn't mean that he doesn't have plans and ideas rolling around in his head. This sounds to me like one of those plans and ideas finally falling out of his mouth so now its up to you to state your case about why you don't think its such a good idea. He needs to see things from your point of view because he has his "I have kids and want you to accept them as part of my life" point of view and you have your "I don't have kids and don't really want them in my life" point of view and, well, those two points of view aren't exactly natural allies.

skatesindreams
08-16-2012, 09:17 PM
How he reacts to your Saturday conversation will tell you a great deal about him - and the future course of your relationship.
These are things that you need to know/discuss before you become more "invested" than you already are.

OliviaPug
08-16-2012, 09:22 PM
Southpaw: I think you're right -- that he has and has had ideas rolling around his head -- and that they're coming out now. I think the impetus has been the kids knowing of my existence coupled with their liking me. I think I'll start off the conversation by telling him how strongly I feel about not intruding on the kids' alone time with him. I really do feel very strongly about that. Then I'll segue into the importance to me of keeping a "kid" boundary -- at least for now. I'm usually pretty good when put on the spot, but I feel so nervous about all of this.

O-

OliviaPug
08-16-2012, 09:22 PM
How he reacts to your Saturday conversation will tell you a great deal about him - and the future course of your relationship. These are things that you need to know/discuss before you become more "invested" than you already are.

You are completely and totally right on, which is probably another reason why I'm so nervous about this conversation.

O-

genevieve
08-16-2012, 09:31 PM
re: his assuming that he & the kids are invited to your house - Have you ever slept over at his house while the kids are there? if so, it may just be an assumption of reciprocity. Even if you are emotionally distant from the kids and don't see staying at his house as anything to do with them, it would be very reasonable for all three of them to see it a little differently.

BUT - if you've never stayed at his house while the kids were there, yeah, that's ballsy and a little weird.

leesaleesa
08-17-2012, 12:28 AM
It sounds like he's serious. You really need to make it clear that you are not ready for a serious relationship yet. Better to get it out now than later. Who knows? Maybe you can have a Woody Allen/Mia Farrow type of relationship. Minus the part where Woody Allen is a creepy icky weirdo, of course.

nubka
08-17-2012, 12:53 AM
OliviaPug, I hope this goes well for you. Have you prepared for the possibility that if this conversation backfires you could loose him in your life?

I'm not judging either way, honestly, I'm not. I'm a Libra, so I tend to way-over-analyze everything...:wall:

You know yourself better than anyone, so it's good that you are honest about what you do and don't want. Good luck this weekend. :)

skatesindreams
08-17-2012, 12:54 AM
leesalessa, I believe that Olivia already has some serious feelings/a relationship with this person.
However, she needs clarification about what his idea of a continuing relationship is; and to share her feelings about the same - before she determines if it should continue further.

heckles
08-17-2012, 04:26 AM
So. Yeah. You're a good catch.

I second this. A woman on a dating site who is over 25 and doesn't have kids is considered a great find to a lot of men. You might be underestimating yourself here.

OliviaPug
08-17-2012, 05:27 PM
genevieve: I have stayed at his house many times, but never with his children there. Up until recently, they didn’t know about me and the guy and we only saw each other when his ex had the kids. The thought of me being in one room with their dad while they're in another ... um, no. I'm surprised he doesn't feel that way because he is protective of his kids and generally very conservative. It definitely surprises me and makes me wonder a little.

leesaleesa: LOL! I don’t know what kind of relationship I ultimately want. All I know is that I’m comfortable with how things are right now and it looks like he’s moving toward trying to change that dynamic.

nubka: No, I really haven’t prepared for the possibility that I could lose him if the conversation backfires. That didn’t occur to me, but possibly hurting him did. I feel it’s an important enough conversation to have regardless of the consequences. I would be very sad if things went badly, but I guess then I would have my answer.

skateindreams: That’s pretty much on the money. Thanks.

heckles: I tend to underestimate myself. That’s what I do. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised then unexpectedly disappointed. The thing is, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I wasn’t looking for this guy. It just happened. And now I’m in it and I like him. Maybe even a little more than like.

Thanks for everyone’s well wishes. We talked on the phone last night, but I didn’t go there. I think that it’s subject matter for a face-to-face conversation. I noticed I had a stomach ache yesterday and a little today. It was either the anxiety of this situation or the stuffed eggplant I ate. ;)