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heckles
08-14-2012, 09:31 PM
When it works out and we can see each other and we choose to see each other, I'm happy. That's good enough for right now and probably forever.

Remember in the movie Cutting Edge in which the prissy figure skater chick brags to the hockey player guy that her boyfriend lives in London, and he responds, "Bet you look pretty good from a few thousand miles away"?

Think that could be what's happening here? You don't need to see this guy every night, but you seem almost relieved when you talk about your lack of contact with this person, and you might be cloaking that relief as independence.

leesaleesa
08-14-2012, 11:50 PM
Eh, would you want someone to get in a relationship with you thinking, "She's not what I actually want, but it's more effort to find what I really do want, so I guess I'll just settle for her."?

I'm not sure where you're getting this idea of settling from. The point I was making was that you have to compromise in any relationship, and that a good guy with kids is a lot less work than a childless one in many cases.

OliviaPug
08-15-2012, 12:57 AM
I'm not sure where you're getting this idea of settling from. The point I was making was that you have to compromise in any relationship, and that a good guy with kids is a lot less work than a childless one in many cases.

I don't have any other experience dating a man with children, but I can say that some of this man's best qualities come out through his kids. It's good to see a man step up to his responsibilities as a father. He has a very silly, warm, and fun side with me and his kids. It's nice.

O-

OliviaPug
08-15-2012, 01:02 AM
Remember in the movie Cutting Edge in which the prissy figure skater chick brags to the hockey player guy that her boyfriend lives in London, and he responds, "Bet you look pretty good from a few thousand miles away"?

Think that could be what's happening here? You don't need to see this guy every night, but you seem almost relieved when you talk about your lack of contact with this person, and you might be cloaking that relief as independence.

I remember! :) And you're insightful. My independence *is* very important to me right now because I just got out of a bad relationship. I guess I'm just afraid of being consumed by another relationship and all the "stuff" that comes with it. I even thought about getting my private pilot's license. It seems I'm trying to fill my time with other things that are my own to prevent me from falling ...

O-

Aussie Willy
08-15-2012, 01:05 AM
Olivia - you actually sound really level headed and balanced in your attitude to the relationship. Plus where you are coming from is a good place in that you don't want to upset him or his kids. I think just getting over the big step of being honest about the situation with him will help a lot. And from what you are saying he will probably quite appreciate it. It must have been a massive step for him to introduce you to them as well.

Whatever happens good luck.

Anita18
08-15-2012, 01:05 AM
I remember! :) And you're insightful. My independence *is* very important to me right now because I just got out of a bad relationship. I guess I'm just afraid of being consumed by another relationship and all the "stuff" that comes with it. I even thought about getting my private pilot's license. It seems I'm trying to fill my time with other things that are my own to prevent me from falling ...

O-
After my first relationship, in which I was a jealous controlling bitch with low self-esteem, I too was afraid that I'd get lost in another relationship. But my relationship with my fiance (my second relationship) is the complete opposite. We're both pretty independent and completely support each other's endeavors. It isn't just you in a relationship, but how the other person is too.

If you want to get your private pilot's license, you should do it. :)

kwanfan1818
08-15-2012, 01:08 AM
I remember an article about Candice Bergen and Louis Malle. She said she fell in love with him because of the way he treated his children, and he said he fell in love with her because of the way she treated his children.

PRlady
08-15-2012, 01:10 AM
Remember in the movie Cutting Edge in which the prissy figure skater chick brags to the hockey player guy that her boyfriend lives in London, and he responds, "Bet you look pretty good from a few thousand miles away"?

Think that could be what's happening here? You don't need to see this guy every night, but you seem almost relieved when you talk about your lack of contact with this person, and you might be cloaking that relief as independence.

Uh, there are a lot of people in that boat. If, for whatever reason, a committed and cohabitated relationship is not right for you, and there's someone you like far away with whom you can enjoy yourself sometimes, where's the harm if both people are signed on to that?

The distance between relief -- and Olivia is fresh off a bad divorce -- and independence may not be much. Sometimes you really like someone but realize there's an inherent deal-killer and the kids might be that in this case. If you don't have to commit and can live with not seeing the person that often, it doesn't mean you don't really like him, it only means that you know that even with the opportunity to be closer or full-time, for some reason it would not work.

nubka
08-15-2012, 01:26 AM
If you don't want anything to do with his kids, I think you really need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth pursuing. They are part of the package and deserve someone who wants to accept them. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, and I think it's great that you are so up-front and being completely honest with yourself about it. Some people just don't want to be parents in any way, shape, or form, and that's COMPLETELY fine. But he already IS a parent and...and there's no changing that.

Word!

heckles
08-15-2012, 02:29 AM
If you don't have to commit and can live with not seeing the person that often, it doesn't mean you don't really like him, it only means that you know that even with the opportunity to be closer or full-time, for some reason it would not work.

You're correct, but it seems that in this case, we've already been told about the geographic distance at least three times because it's a big component to make the situation bearable. It's as if we're being asked, "Hey guys, is it okay to get in this pond full of alligators as long as I only put my feet in? Oh, did I tell you, I'm only putting my feet in? Look, it's just my feet that are in! That's okay, right?"

PRlady
08-15-2012, 01:27 PM
You're correct, but it seems that in this case, we've already been told about the geographic distance at least three times because it's a big component to make the situation bearable. It's as if we're being asked, "Hey guys, is it okay to get in this pond full of alligators as long as I only put my feet in? Oh, did I tell you, I'm only putting my feet in? Look, it's just my feet that are in! That's okay, right?"

I realize you try to live up to your screen-name :) but I think the OP is right to be cautious even without the kids. Post-divorce is the time to make a colossal mistake. So yeah, maybe dating at all requires exposure to alligators but why not mimimize the risks.

OliviaPug
08-15-2012, 06:02 PM
I remember an article about Candice Bergen and Louis Malle. She said she fell in love with him because of the way he treated his children, and he said he fell in love with her because of the way she treated his children.

Uh, oh! :lol:

Thanks, Aussie Willy. The act of being present, recognizing my feelings in the present, and focusing on my own life right now is the challenge I face. For someone, such as myself, who thrives on nurturing others, it has been a difficult journey.

PRLady: I don't know if the kids are a deal-killer. I think that's a big part of the issue. It's a Catch-22. I will only know if the kids are a deal-killer by spending time with them and him and seeing how we work together. BUT, the only way I'll be able to get that information is by pursuing the relationship with both him and his kids, and I am anxious about doing so for the reasons I've already discussed. I'm not sure I can trust myself. When I love, I love fully and completely and sometimes to my own detriment (something I am working on).

heckles: Every relationship is like a pond full of alligators! Human beings can't help being human beings. Even the good ones do crappy things. Me included. I may be trying to prevent something bad from happening or something worse from happening. It's all relative. Most relationships end at some point (putting aside death). Will it be a Hurricane, a tropical storm, or a gale? Or maybe just a thunderstorm? I'm a little squirrely right now, for sure, due to my previous relationship. The truth is, I think you're right. You really can't be cautious in a relationship. It hurts even if you just lose a toe.

O-

heckles
08-15-2012, 06:10 PM
Most relationships end at some point (putting aside death). Will it be a Hurricane, a tropical storm, or a gale? Or maybe just a thunderstorm?

Going with your weather analogy, there are some ways you can predict whether you're looking at a light shower or a hurricane. No meteorology is 100% accurate, but you can look at the odds and decide what risk is worth taking.

michiruwater
08-15-2012, 06:41 PM
...Which is exactly what she's doing.

heckles
08-15-2012, 06:59 PM
...which is good.