PDA

View Full Version : Freaked Out! Dating a man with kids!



Pages : 1 [2] 3 4 5 6 7 8

Japanfan
08-13-2012, 09:47 PM
The kids have equal time with both parents. 1/2 the time they live with their father. 1/2 the time they live with their mother. But, as I mentioned, we live 1 1/2 hours from each other, so we don't spend a lot of time together to begin with.

I do ask myself all the time if this relationship's worth pursuing. And my answer is always the same: "If we're both enjoying each other, then why not?" From Day One, I've taken the day to day approach. It's just that now that the kids are involved, I'm beginning to question that approach. I would never want to hurt his children.

I certainly do accept the kids. They are wonderful. But I don't want to be a parent.


A couple of thoughts occurred to me. First, if the relationship progresses and you choose to co-habit or mover closer to each other, you'll be closer to the kids as well.

Can you maintain a relationship with him and them, without assuming the parent role?

You've said you and he haven't negotiated the kids' issue - sounds like a key priority to me.

Lastly, given that the kids are 12 and 14, and only with their dad half time, should make the situation easier. They are entering the ages when they are living their lives independently to a certain extent, so you won't have kids underfoot.

But nonetheless, a relationship of some sort is inevitable.

From what you say the relationship is going well, so maybe it's worth putting effort into the kids' issue.

My brother ended a relationship with a woman who was quite perfect for him because of issues involving her kids, aged 11 and 16. I always thought that was really too bad, as it would have been worth working it out.

heckles
08-13-2012, 09:49 PM
This isn't always true. I've been divorced from my first husband for twenty years and last month my youngest stepdaughter brought her new baby to visit me, a three-hour drive.

Which is why I used the "generally" qualifier. You're indeed fortunate that your ex-stepkids keep you in their lives. It speaks well of you, them and your ex. A lot of ex-stepparents, sometimes by no fault of their own, are relegated to being mentioned in passing by the kids as "Bob" or "Anne". Ouch.

kwanfan1818
08-13-2012, 10:53 PM
From watching my friends' children, almost all have/had become increasingly interested in school activities and friends in high school, and the children who were crushed when they missed a visiting day/weekend with the secondary (for lack of a better word) custody parent when they were 8 or 12 were blowing off visits the older they got. (The advantage is that the younger child[ren] started to get alone time until becoming a teenager[s].)

I had lunch with a friend yesterday whose only child is headed off to another continent for college in a few weeks, and she told me that you can do just about anything if you have children that you can do if you don't, but that most of the time, it just can't be spontaneous. Since you live so far away from the man with whom you're doing whatever-it-is-you're-doing, spontaneity probably isn't much of a factor. That goes for both sides, including the kids. It's not like you're 15 minutes away, and they can invite you to see soccer practice.

sk8pics
08-13-2012, 11:26 PM
It's good that you are trying to think all this through, and good that this guy seems to have a good relationship with his kids. A friend of mine who is divorced has an ex-husband who is really a jerk. He would not make time for the kids, except rarely, and then got himself transferred 4 hours away. When my friend also got transferred to the same area, so she could be closer to her parents (who are elderly but can help with the kids when she needs to travel for work) her ex told her not to expect him to see the kids or help in any way. Turns out, he has a new girlfriend who has at least one kid, and who does not want to be a step parent. Very sad that he would throw away his own kids for the sake of a new relationship. And strange that his new girlfriend thinks it's good that he threw them away. Guess she thinks it can't happen to her!

So I guess what I am trying to say with this story is don't try to make him choose, because either way, it is probably not a good thing.

kwanfan1818
08-13-2012, 11:32 PM
I had an only-child college boyfriend whose step-mother would not meet his mother until she had more children with his father than his mother did.

It would be easy to run if the parents weren't getting along, if the ex was manipulative and impossible, or if the children were awful. Since none of this applies, so it really is about OP and her feelings about the guy and having a relationship with him.

AxelAnnie
08-14-2012, 12:29 AM
OliviaPug

RUN~! Go the other way FAST!

I didn't. And although I love my three step kids......it is a huge complication. HUGE.
Especially if you didn't want kids. Those ages are brutal. Not fun if both parents are married, happy and on the page about child rearing. Horrible if not. You have two teenagers who are going to resent the time that their dad spends with someone else...how could they not? I assume they live with the mom.

And, PRLady is right. The kids have to come first. There is usually a lot of guilt attached to the divorce........on everyone's part, and being in the middle of the insanity is not a fun place to be. (Kids playing one parent off against the other, parents trying to win the kids affection, and it goes on and on.)

I married a man with three children when I was 24. The kids were 12, 6 and 2. Their mother is not competent at that point to care for the children at all. Their father (my husband) just figured it was someone else's job...........that someone else was me.
Now, I volunteered for that job (Put me in Coach!!! I can do it!!!)

The kids all lived with us (some more, some less) and I love the kids...........but I would NEVER do it again. Marriage and relationships are hard enough without extra complications.

milanessa
08-14-2012, 12:37 AM
Sounds like your husband was the ass in that situation, AxelAnnie.

leesaleesa
08-14-2012, 12:57 AM
So, it all comes back to me. Not the kids. Not the guy. And what I want and what I can live with. I've already been in a marriage that turned very badly after 10 years due to substance abuse. I neglected myself and my wants and needs for a very long time to the point of almost losing my life last year due to a health concern that resulted in sudden cardiac death. I am very lucky to be alive. And now I ask myself: "Do I really want to be involved with a whole other family?" And, yet, I'm a loving, nurturing person, and that's part of the problem. When people are in my life, I nurture them at my expense. It's so tough. I'm scared to go back there ...


It really sounds like you need to take more time for yourself and have fun as a single.

On the other hand, it's tough, because depending on your age, you will either find men with kids, men without kids who are kids themselves, or 53 year old men and up who are "ready to settle down and start a family". I just divorced recently, though I have known it was over for at least a year, and though I'm not dating yet, it's rather discouraging to see what's out there.

Really, you will have to decide between three things-Staying single and having serial monogamy if that's your preference, becoming involved with a middle aged, selfish manchild, or compromising and adapting to your partner's kids. There are men who don't have or want kids, but I suspect the stable, mature ones are scarce.

Why not explain that you are satisfied right now with your situation, and take it slow? If you decide to make it permanent, the kids will be even older and less for you to deal with. Even if it doesn't work out, the kids are old enough to not become attached to you. They have a Mother, and are at the age where they spend the majority of time with friends.

Hannahclear
08-14-2012, 01:02 AM
It really sounds like you need to take more time for yourself and have fun as a single.

On the other hand, it's tough, because depending on your age, you will either find men with kids, men without kids who are kids themselves, or 53 year old men and up who are "ready to settle down and start a family". I just divorced recently, though I have known it was over for at least a year, and though I'm not dating yet, it's rather discouraging to see what's out there.

Really, you will have to decide between three things-Staying single and having serial monogamy if that's your preference, becoming involved with a middle aged, selfish manchild, or compromising and adapting to your partner's kids. There are men who don't have or want kids, but I suspect the stable, mature ones are scarce.

Why not explain that you are satisfied right now with your situation, and take it slow? If you decide to make it permanent, the kids will be even older and less for you to deal with. Even if it doesn't work out, the kids are old enough to not become attached to you. They have a Mother, and are at the age where they spend the majority of time with friends.

I totally agree with this. Most guys have kids, especially by this stage of life. And if you like this guy, I would try and find a way to deal with it. Especially given that they are older and you live far away. It sounds negotiable to me.

Good luck!

AxelAnnie
08-14-2012, 01:20 AM
Sounds like your husband was the ass in that situation, AxelAnnie.

Well, I have said that myself.....many times. He is from a different generation......Man works and brings home the $$$, woman keeps house and children. I didn't really have a problem with it.......that is how I was raised to. I was 24 to his 37...what did I know. I saved those kids, though.

I just wouldn't do it again.

Also, if someone doesn't want kids....good for them, and good for knowing, and good for not having any. It isn't a job for everyone. I really admire people who are honest about their wants and dislikes. Makes everyone happier in the long run.

heckles
08-14-2012, 01:28 AM
I totally agree with this. Most guys have kids, especially by this stage of life.

I'm not a big fan of telling anyone they have to settle. Seems that it's usually women who are told this. While it's true that a lot of middle-age men have children, OliviaPug is presumably looking for just one man. It's not unrealistic for her to find one without kids if that's her preference.

Anita18
08-14-2012, 01:57 AM
I'm not a big fan of telling anyone they have to settle. Seems that it's usually women who are told this. While it's true that a lot of middle-age men have children, OliviaPug is presumably looking for just one man. It's not unrealistic for her to find one without kids if that's her preference.
It'll just be harder to find them, I think that's what Hannahclear is saying. It might take a long time and a lot of dates and frog princes. But if if it's worth to OliviaPug, then it's worth it. Just gotta go in aware of this stuff.

leesaleesa
08-14-2012, 02:10 AM
It might take a long time and a lot of dates and frog princes

Frog princes dressed in Ed Hardy who asure you that even though they're in their fifties, everyone swears they look like they're 35, and they don't act their ages, anyways. Yeah, they put an s on the end of anyway. Oh, and botox. Bruce Jenner bad level botox. The ones in their thirties seem to be lacking employment. The guys in their forties seem to grouse about "games", "drama", and "baggage" a lot.

I'm sure the single, childless men are out there, and there are some worth having, but it may take more effort to find and deal with them than kids. If you like the guy enough, it would be well worth investing in some counseling. You may change your mind about kids one day.

Then again, it sounds to me like you've made your mind up. Probably best to break it off for now at least and give yourself time to find what you're looking for.

Anita18
08-14-2012, 02:18 AM
Frog princes dressed in Ed Hardy who asure you that even though they're in their fifties, everyone swears they look like they're 35, and they don't act their ages, anyways. Yeah, they put an s on the end of anyway. Oh, and botox. Bruce Jenner bad level botox. The ones in their thirties seem to be lacking employment. The guys in their forties seem to grouse about "games", "drama", and "baggage" a lot.

I'm sure the single, childless men are out there, and there are some worth having, but it may take more effort to find and deal with them than kids. If you like the guy enough, it would be well worth investing in some counseling. You may change your mind about kids one day.

Then again, it sounds to me like you've made your mind up. Probably best to break it off for now at least and give yourself time to find what you're looking for.
Ugh, on another forum we're dealing with a guy who claims to be 50 but likes to "manipulate" young women (like, half his age) to sleep with him. By giving them lots of alcohol. :o And there was one time he was dry-humping the current object of his attention in the passenger seat of a SmartCar. :scream: And he keeps claiming that of course she likes the attention because all her friends are okay with letting her get sexually assaulted by other friends, and she keeps on wanting to hang out with him. And of course she has severe daddy issues.

Sure he's got his own house and a car and a good job and is childless without an ex-wife but...no! :scream: I'll take a guy with kids over that rapist creep!

heckles
08-14-2012, 02:59 AM
I'm sure the single, childless men are out there, and there are some worth having, but it may take more effort to find and deal with them than kids.

Eh, would you want someone to get in a relationship with you thinking, "She's not what I actually want, but it's more effort to find what I really do want, so I guess I'll just settle for her."?