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luna_skater
07-26-2012, 04:00 AM
I've never read The Rules, but I've read the reviews. This one tells me everything I need to know: http://jezebel.com/5912459/oh-great-the-rules-is-back-with-a-whole-new-bunch-of-dating-garbage

magnolia
07-26-2012, 04:41 AM
I've never read The Rules, but I've read the reviews. This one tells me everything I need to know: http://jezebel.com/5912459/oh-great-the-rules-is-back-with-a-whole-new-bunch-of-dating-garbage

Don't depend on reviews, but depend on your own ability to judge and actually read the book! The book's not as bad as the review makes it out to be.

The book can be considered 'sexist' because the premise is that men primarily choose women based on their looks, which, incidentally, has some 'scientific' basis: http://www.pbs.org/saf/1402/features/hesaidshesaid2.htm, unfortunately.

Of course, this is not to say that all men and women are as how the book describes. Otherwise, we wouldn't have homosexuality or intersex. However, I'd say it's worth a read (along with Why Men Marry Bitches, another book I recommend.)

UMBS Go Blue
07-26-2012, 05:47 AM
But for some reason, I still feel it's unfinishsed business and I do hope he calls.:rolleyes: :blah: :violin:

antmanb
07-26-2012, 11:03 AM
Don't depend on reviews, but depend on your own ability to judge and actually read the book! The book's not as bad as the review makes it out to be.

The book can be considered 'sexist' because the premise is that men primarily choose women based on their looks, which, incidentally, has some 'scientific' basis: http://www.pbs.org/saf/1402/features/hesaidshesaid2.htm, unfortunately.

Of course, this is not to say that all men and women are as how the book describes. Otherwise, we wouldn't have homosexuality or intersex. However, I'd say it's worth a read (along with Why Men Marry Bitches, another book I recommend.)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

bek
07-26-2012, 12:55 PM
Just accept that He's Just Not Into You (or that into you_ and move on. You can't force someone/make someone be as into you as you are into them, and calling texting all the time is only going to make him like you less and take you for granted more.
I have no doubt you will eventually find someone who IS that into you.

magnolia
07-26-2012, 01:34 PM
As I have some free time on my hand tonight, I will trouble myself to write about how I came to read these ‘how to catch a man’ books.
When I was young, I considered myself to be an intelligent person, and I never ever read books like The Rules because I considered them beneath me. I spent my time reading erudite, philosophical books which I actually have some substantial comprehension of. I was also quite an ‘independent’ woman who never desired to ‘catch a man’ for financial reason. I believed in equal sharing of housework and what not between partners, and I was indeed against the institution of marriage because I thought it was a patriarchical device.
Then, in my late thirties, I decided to try online dating for the first time in my life because I was single and I wanted to experiment. And almost immediately, I met a man who was interested in me who wanted to meet, and I duly agreed. When I met him, I realized something was amiss but I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I was intrigued so even though I wasn’t that particularly into him, I went for a second dinner, at the end of which, as I was going home, I realized that he was a gay man looking for a beard. And it totally threw me that I hadn’t realized IMMEDIATELY that he was gay because he had the typical behaviorisms of a gay man, and yet, because I assumed that he was straight, he could be nothing but straight. (I had lived in Brighton steeped in gay culture, so I had some firsthand knowledge.)
So then, of course, I started surfing the net for information, during which I found out about the existence of Bonnie Kaye’s The Gay Husband Checklist, and when I googled the phrase ‘why do gay men want to marry’, a PDF file of a chapter out of the book by John T. Molloy called Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others came up and so I read it. And the chapter talked about things I hadn’t thought about, namely, the manipulative nature of men in relationships and it occurred to me that I had better read these relationship books that I had always considered too silly. And so I went to Amazon and bought maybe the top ten best-selling books in this genre, out of which, I decided that The Rules and Why Men Marry Bitches were most helpful. When I finished reading them, I regretted that I had been too proud in my youth to read these relationship books earlier in my life, because I felt that I had made some mistakes that might have been avoided if I had followed the advice written in these books.
Anyway, so after stocking up on information from these books, I went back to the online dating site and tested to see if my ‘gaydar’ was functioning. I read through profiles and picked men whom I thought were possibly gay and contacted them, and made it so that we would meet up. I met two men, both of whom I thought were gay, based on what they wrote in their profile. After taking to them and observing them, they were, as far as I could tell, closet gays looking for beards. And that was the end of my brief online dating experience.
One thing that these closet gay men do is to bring up gay topics without being provoked. They are testing their potential beards to see how dull-witted you are about gay issues, and if they see that you are clueless about spotting gay behavior, then that’s their ideal beard. So I have a feeling that SceneIt’s man was a closet gay and he quickly decided you weren’t his ideal when you asked him if he was gay. Consider yourself lucky that he’s no longer into you, SceneIt.

(Incidentally, I have no problems with openly gay men and women, and support gay rights. I also believe people who want to remain in the closet for one reason or another should be allowed their privacy. I do, however, have problems with closet gays who choose to deceive another person on a romantic/emotional level to keep up the fiction.)

SceneIt
07-26-2012, 02:18 PM
... snip
Then, in my late thirties, I decided to try online dating for the first time in my life because I was single and I wanted to experiment. And almost immediately, I met a man who was interested in me who wanted to meet, and I duly agreed. When I met him, I realized something was amiss but I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I was intrigued so even though I wasn’t that particularly into him, I went for a second dinner, at the end of which, as I was going home, I realized that he was a gay man looking for a beard. And it totally threw me that I hadn’t realized IMMEDIATELY that he was gay because he had the typical behaviorisms of a gay man, and yet, because I assumed that he was straight, he could be nothing but straight. (I had lived in Brighton steeped in gay culture, so I had some firsthand knowledge.)
So then, of course, I started surfing the net for information, during which I found out about the existence of Bonnie Kaye’s The Gay Husband Checklist, and when I googled the phrase ‘why do gay men want to marry’, a PDF file of a chapter out of the book by John T. Molloy called Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others came up and so I read it. And the chapter talked about things I hadn’t thought about, namely, the manipulative nature of men in relationships and it occurred to me that I had better read these relationship books that I had always considered too silly. And so I went to Amazon and bought maybe the top ten best-selling books in this genre, out of which, I decided that The Rules and Why Men Marry Bitches were most helpful. When I finished reading them, I regretted that I had been too proud in my youth to read these relationship books earlier in my life, because I felt that I had made some mistakes that might have been avoided if I had followed the advice written in these books.
Anyway, so after stocking up on information from these books, I went back to the online dating site and tested to see if my ‘gaydar’ was functioning. I read through profiles and picked men whom I thought were possibly gay and contacted them, and made it so that we would meet up. I met two men, both of whom I thought were gay, based on what they wrote in their profile. After taking to them and observing them, they were, as far as I could tell, closet gays looking for beards. And that was the end of my brief online dating experience.
One thing that these closet gay men do is to bring up gay topics without being provoked. They are testing their potential beards to see how dull-witted you are about gay issues, and if they see that you are clueless about spotting gay behavior, then that’s their ideal beard. So I have a feeling that SceneIt’s man was a closet gay and he quickly decided you weren’t his ideal when you asked him if he was gay. Consider yourself lucky that he’s no longer into you, SceneIt. ...



Thanks for the above. You know, I never questioned him if he were gay or not. He is 39 and claims to have never married, no children. Supposedly, he just got out of a 2-year relationship with a woman he also says was an alcoholic who drank an entire bottle of wine a night.

But curiousity, what did you see in the men's profiles that made your gaydar go off?

How the subject got brought up was he said that the Creator never wanted any of us to be alone. And then I said a Catholic neighbor of mine once said God made people gay because that would be their cross to bear and that they were to be alone in life if they couldnt marry.THAT'S when he brought up the gay person hitting on him, and how he gets that sometimes because he's single, blah blah blah.

But I never implied that he was gay because he was alone. Come on, a good-looking man wondering why he's been single all his life? I should have said, have you ever asked anyone to marry you? If not, then that is the reason why you are still single.

Vagabond
07-26-2012, 02:57 PM
SceneIt, whenever someone I know asks me for advice about a situation like this, I send him or her a link to this classic "Savage Love" column:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=20869&mode=print

I quote from Dan Savage's response:


Do you know what the funny thing is about mixed signals, OCC? In most instances mixed signals are actually one loud, clear, unmistakable signal: "I'm a f***ing mess! Run! Run! Run!" The reason you can't decipher the singular signal Alaska Boy is sending you, OCC, is because you're suffering from a bad case of Wishful Thinking Syndrome (WTS). This man is damaged goods, OCC, but you're so in love with him that you can't see him for what he is.

How do we know he's damaged goods? .... He ... says one thing ("I don't love you, I'll never love you") and does another (e-mails, compliments, explosive sex), which is always and everywhere a bad sign. Like a lot of DG men, he wants to feel like he has a girlfriend and/or lover without having to say the words. He also clearly enjoys messing with your head. Run, run, run.

magnolia
07-26-2012, 03:04 PM
But curiousity, what did you see in the men's profiles that made your gaydar go off?


Any eligible man---i.e., good looking, personable personality, financially able to support a family, articulate---who is not yet married after 35 is suspect.

My first closet gay had a very stable, well-paying job, tall, good looking, knew how to talk. I didn't realize at the time but with my 'gaydar' on, I would have noticed that his nickname was 'markofz' (i.e., Mark of Zorro). He wrote about how he loved to cook and just wanted someone to snuggle with.

The second closet gay was a doctor, tall, not that great looking but not bad either, never married. I could tell he was probably gay because he wrote about how his absolute favorite way to spend the weekend was to go away to a mountain retreat with just his colleagues (fellow male doctors) with musical instruments and spend the whole night jamming.

The third closet gay had recently divorced. He had a well-paying job, tall, good looking. I kind of got the sense that he was gay just by looking at his photo, for some reason, and he kept on emphasing in his profile how boringly 'normal' he was, so much so that it made me think that he wasn't. Another thing that made me think he was gay was that he lived far away and yet was immediately enthusiastic about us getting together; when I asked him what he liked so much about my profile, he didn't give me a reason that fit the heterosexual profile (I forgot what he said, to be honest, but if he had been heterosexual, he should have mentioned something about my looks, as at that point, we hadn't met and he only had my photo and profile information). He was just overly eager to establish a relationship with me without even knowing me. Also, even though his profile emphasized that he was your typical stoic male, when we started exchanging e-mails, he told me he loved going to the theater and mentioned a director whom I knew to be gay.

PDilemma
07-26-2012, 03:07 PM
Wow. Lots of stereotyping going on there.

Just saying.

milanessa
07-26-2012, 03:07 PM
magnolia - there are no words. :rofl:

Vagabond
07-26-2012, 03:08 PM
Heaven forbid that a straight man should like to cook, play music, have friends, or go to the theater! :scream:

Dang, milanessa! Your response is so much better than mine. Wuzrobbed!

berthesghost
07-26-2012, 03:18 PM
Any eligible man---i.e., good looking, personable personality, financially able to support a family, articulate---who is not yet married after 35 is suspect. yeah, suspect of banging a different girl every night! :lol: you just decribed the perfect George cloony wet dream that most women throw themselves at. Usually they get bored whoring around at about 35 and want kids, so they marry.
The second closet gay was a doctor, tall, not that great looking but not bad either, never married. I could tell he was probably gay because he wrote about how his absolute favorite way to spend the weekend was to go away to a mountain retreat with just his colleagues (fellow male doctors) with musical instruments and spend the whole night jamming. I think I saw that video! :lol:

TheGirlCanSkate
07-26-2012, 03:19 PM
SceneIt - one thing I try to do is think - if I had a dating daughter, would I want this person as her boyfriend or spouse? If the answer is no, then I have to think - why is he good enough for me then?

genevieve
07-26-2012, 03:19 PM
As I have some free time on my hand tonight, I will trouble myself to write about how I came to read these ‘how to catch a man’ books.
When I was young, I considered myself to be an intelligent person, and I never ever read books like The Rules because I considered them beneath me. I spent my time reading erudite, philosophical books which I actually have some substantial comprehension of. I was also quite an ‘independent’ woman who never desired to ‘catch a man’ for financial reason. I believed in equal sharing of housework and what not between partners, and I was indeed against the institution of marriage because I thought it was a patriarchical device.
Then, in my late thirties, I decided to try online dating for the first time in my life because I was single and I wanted to experiment. And almost immediately, I met a man who was interested in me who wanted to meet, and I duly agreed. When I met him, I realized something was amiss but I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I was intrigued so even though I wasn’t that particularly into him, I went for a second dinner, at the end of which, as I was going home, I realized that he was a gay man looking for a beard. And it totally threw me that I hadn’t realized IMMEDIATELY that he was gay because he had the typical behaviorisms of a gay man, and yet, because I assumed that he was straight, he could be nothing but straight. (I had lived in Brighton steeped in gay culture, so I had some firsthand knowledge.)
So then, of course, I started surfing the net for information, during which I found out about the existence of Bonnie Kaye’s The Gay Husband Checklist, and when I googled the phrase ‘why do gay men want to marry’, a PDF file of a chapter out of the book by John T. Molloy called Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others came up and so I read it. And the chapter talked about things I hadn’t thought about, namely, the manipulative nature of men in relationships and it occurred to me that I had better read these relationship books that I had always considered too silly. And so I went to Amazon and bought maybe the top ten best-selling books in this genre, out of which, I decided that The Rules and Why Men Marry Bitches were most helpful. When I finished reading them, I regretted that I had been too proud in my youth to read these relationship books earlier in my life, because I felt that I had made some mistakes that might have been avoided if I had followed the advice written in these books.
Anyway, so after stocking up on information from these books, I went back to the online dating site and tested to see if my ‘gaydar’ was functioning. I read through profiles and picked men whom I thought were possibly gay and contacted them, and made it so that we would meet up. I met two men, both of whom I thought were gay, based on what they wrote in their profile. After taking to them and observing them, they were, as far as I could tell, closet gays looking for beards. And that was the end of my brief online dating experience.
One thing that these closet gay men do is to bring up gay topics without being provoked. They are testing their potential beards to see how dull-witted you are about gay issues, and if they see that you are clueless about spotting gay behavior, then that’s their ideal beard. So I have a feeling that SceneIt’s man was a closet gay and he quickly decided you weren’t his ideal when you asked him if he was gay. Consider yourself lucky that he’s no longer into you, SceneIt.

(Incidentally, I have no problems with openly gay men and women, and support gay rights. I also believe people who want to remain in the closet for one reason or another should be allowed their privacy. I do, however, have problems with closet gays who choose to deceive another person on a romantic/emotional level to keep up the fiction.)
:rofl:

so let me get this straight (no pun intended):

you were a free-thinking, nonpatriarchal, independent worman, who tried online dating in her early 30s, and on your first date went out with someone with whom you didn't click, so you went out with him again, only to decide he's gay (you don't mention that he told you this, only that you decided that's the case - feel free to clarify if he 'fessed up).

This made you buy the top 10 self-help books on dating. And despite all the fabulous advice on how to catch and retain a man, your new mission became seeking out and dating men that you suspected might be gay "in order to test your gaydar"?!? Based on your profound expertise, you decided these men, whom you had sought out specifically for those traits that were more akin to Teh Gay, were in fact gay (again, no mention of their agreeing with this assessment), and so walked away from online dating altogether. :drama:

WTF. :rofl:

you'll have to excuse me if I don't give your dating advice a lot of credibility.


ETA: PML x infinity about the edict of good looking men over 35!!!!

SceneIt, your gentleman isn't gay, he has already dumped you. Because you have let him know that you are willing to take whatever scraps he has to offer (and yes, that IS pathetic. Many of us have done it at one time or another, but it's still pathetic), he may come back for more at some point, but there will never be a relationship with him. That's not gay, it's being a player who knows he can get away with it.