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joeperryfan
07-30-2012, 09:16 PM
You can't let go of the guy because you don't feel like you have closure. You can't stop obsessing over him because you can't figure out why he did what he did. You want answers. How is it that you overlooked the most obvious explanation? As you yourself said, ". . . he has mental health issues (depression/anxiety/panic attacks). . ."

Hello?!!! I would have chalked up his behavior to depression, anxiety, and--let's add one to the list--control issues. So it has nothing to do with you and you cannot apply your own logic, mental process, etc. to someone with mental issues. Consider the case "solved" and start figuring out how to become exactly the kind of person whose company you would enjoy more than anyone else's. The way life works, once you become the person you want to be with, the right type of partner tends to show up.

I read most of the thread and I think this is probably the nicest response. Having had a situation with some similarities to yours I must say this is great advice.
I hope you find peace within yourself soon enough, remember that this is a lot more about how you feel about yourself than about how you feel about him.

SceneIt
07-30-2012, 09:59 PM
And just to clarify based on what SceneIt posted earlier, five of those eight dates were in the last month--all of which involved having sex together. In the four months prior, they had only seen each other a total of three times.

So in one month, they start sleeping together frequently, and by her admission she started calling and texting him during that time to meet together even more. And this is what sparked the problems. Then she casually brings up whether he might be gay in some way after having unfulfilling sex one time, and according to her this results in a big argument. Again, according to her, he makes clear he doesn't lean that way nor does he find such comments complimentary. And yet, a week or so later she makes a similar comment to him, and he not surprisingly takes offense again. But she "forgot" about his earlier response, apparently blanking on the whole having to apologize profusely via email and text-messaging in order to get him to talk to her again the week prior.

And when he does accept her apologies, she says she is befuddled by that because she expected the drama to continue on despite her having apologized profusely. He didn't get the fuss since she had apologized.

Until, of course, she did the same thing again the next time they saw/had sex with each other.
And still the emailing and text-messaging continue--only to be followed-up by

With regard to the bolded statements above, I NEVER insinuated or told him I thought he was gay. He was a homophobe. He wondered why he was still alone and unmarried. He asked this every time he went out. He said people sometimes questioned his sexual orientation. He found it distressing that people thought he might be gay.

And we did NOT have unfulfilling sex. What happened, and I know I wasn't going to say what it was, the first couple times we had sex, it was like he wouldnt really take a good look at my body, or touch me, or feel or anything like that. So me, being 12 years older, gently asked if he found my body attractive (which it is by the way, granted I dont have the DD cup that he said his ex girlfriend had, so how do I know what he finds attractive). THAT'S WHEN HE WENT ALL DRAMA and said I was causing drama by asking him that.

He would be the one to blow up my phone with text after another, I couldnt keep up! He was ultra-sensitive to anything I texted or said and bring it up at a later time.

Maybe he thought I was criticizing his sexual performance, which is not what I was getting at. All he had to do was reassure me that he found my body attractive, but he refused to give me that.

And I AM NOT DRIVING BY HIS PLACE and waiting around for evidence BECAUSE I DONT CARE AND I HAVE TWO OTHER PEOPLE INTERESTED IN TAKING ME OUT. Maybe one of them will actually like me and ask me out more often. I don't think I'm needy or clingy because during the 5 months we were "dating" or whatever, I never blew up his phone with texts, emails, VM, or whatever. I tried NOT to be that clingy girlfriend, needy woman.

I knew when I first met him that I shouldnt have even gone out with him. All my friends were wondering what I/he were doing for each other, but for the sex. So he got what he wanted in the end, a few times, and then coldly and in his mental way, moved on. And HE WONDERS WHY HE HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED!

VALuvsMKwan
07-30-2012, 10:14 PM
The suggestions that you seek a real world, controlled outlet to let go of what seems to be rage, anger, disappointment are being made to try to help you.

At least part of the choice, however, to continue with having this take up space in your head and fill it with negativity is yours. Why do this to yourself?

leesaleesa
07-30-2012, 10:17 PM
Seriously, you're fifty??!! And you're still on about this?

GET. OVER. IT. Nothing sadder than a woman close to menopause acting more like she's just gotten her first period.

PDilemma
07-30-2012, 10:46 PM
With regard to the bolded statements above, I NEVER insinuated or told him I thought he was gay. He was a homophobe. He wondered why he was still alone and unmarried. He asked this every time he went out. He said people sometimes questioned his sexual orientation. He found it distressing that people thought he might be gay.

Don't you think that behavior is a sign that he was not at all mature?


And we did NOT have unfulfilling sex. What happened, and I know I wasn't going to say what it was, the first couple times we had sex, it was like he wouldnt really take a good look at my body, or touch me, or feel or anything like that. So me, being 12 years older, gently asked if he found my body attractive (which it is by the way, granted I dont have the DD cup that he said his ex girlfriend had, so how do I know what he finds attractive). THAT'S WHEN HE WENT ALL DRAMA and said I was causing drama by asking him that.

This is not mature, either. This is childish insecure behavior.



He would be the one to blow up my phone with text after another, I couldnt keep up! He was ultra-sensitive to anything I texted or said and bring it up at a later time.

Again...very immature behavior. What exactly was it about this guy that you thought was so great and so mature and had potential for a long term relationship???


All he had to do was reassure me that he found my body attractive, but he refused to give me that.

Two problems here. One is that you were insecure and a bit needy and the second is that a loving partner doesn't make you feel unattractive.



And I AM NOT DRIVING BY HIS PLACE and waiting around for evidence BECAUSE I DONT CARE AND I HAVE TWO OTHER PEOPLE INTERESTED IN TAKING ME OUT. Maybe one of them will actually like me and ask me out more often. I don't think I'm needy or clingy because during the 5 months we were "dating" or whatever, I never blew up his phone with texts, emails, VM, or whatever. I tried NOT to be that clingy girlfriend, needy woman.

But you already said in another post that you were thinking of parking by his residence to watch him. You can't say you're considering doing that and then get self-righteous when people respond to it. And you have told us that you have been contacting him now when he has broken off the whole thing--something that is needy and clingy.


I knew when I first met him that I shouldnt have even gone out with him. All my friends were wondering what I/he were doing for each other, but for the sex. So he got what he wanted in the end, a few times, and then coldly and in his mental way, moved on. And HE WONDERS WHY HE HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED!

Then it is time for you to move on.

And I concur about your age. You really should consider getting some help. The behavior and responses in dating that you have described in this thread sound like a college girl at best.

mkats
07-30-2012, 10:53 PM
I take back what I said, PDilemma. We don't need your SIL yet!

Aussie Willy
07-30-2012, 11:02 PM
The thread that just keeps on giving. :)

UMBS Go Blue
07-30-2012, 11:08 PM
I retract my original post in this thread in its entirety. The OP's manic use of all caps by itself suggests quite a bit. :eek:

overedge
07-30-2012, 11:12 PM
All he had to do was reassure me that he found my body attractive, but he refused to give me that.

And I AM NOT DRIVING BY HIS PLACE and waiting around for evidence BECAUSE I DONT CARE

If you don't care, then what difference does it make if he finds you attractive?

You sound like someone who does care. And cares way more than he's worth caring about.

Vagabond
07-30-2012, 11:17 PM
I retract my original post in this thread in its entirety. The OP's manic use of all caps by itself suggests quite a bit. :eek:

You mean ... she's esta? :shuffle:

VALuvsMKwan
07-30-2012, 11:44 PM
You mean ... she's esta? :shuffle:

As much as I find "her" (meaning esta) ridiculous, please don't insult esta. ;)

esta would have already blown smoke in this guy's face and ripped his gonads off.

Anita18
07-31-2012, 12:44 AM
It is, but the version in 50 Shades is a facsimile of the real thing and is a completely unhealthy, straight-up abusive relationship as opposed to a real, consensual BDSM relationship where both parties get what they need from whatever facets of BDSM they choose to participate in.
Yes, I'm not exactly into the lifestyle myself (granted, I'm okay with anything that doesn't involve pain, but outright domination makes me uncomfortable), but I was trying to explain that to her while convincing her I kind of knew what I was talking about even though I hadn't read the book. :lol:

But from what I've read ABOUT the book and how it came about as a Twilight fanfic, I'm not surprised at all that it's about an abusive relationship.


Seriously, you're fifty??!! And you're still on about this?

GET. OVER. IT. Nothing sadder than a woman close to menopause acting more like she's just gotten her first period.
Oh so it's even worse. :yikes:

Look SceneIt, we wouldn't have been on your case about stalking him if you hadn't mentioned it yourself! :P

Also, if he's sleeping with you, he finds you attractive. Either that or he's super desperate. I assume the guy I'm with has a spine (cause I trust I have standards, right?) and that he finds me attractive even though he doesn't have his tongue hanging out or his eyeballs wide open or isn't rubbing my body like a genie's lamp.


As much as I find "her" (meaning esta) ridiculous, please don't insult esta. ;)

esta would have already blown smoke in this guy's face and ripped his gonads off.
I like that. :smokin:

leesaleesa
07-31-2012, 01:37 AM
Sceneit is no ESTA. Thanks to ESTA, I now know that Maia Usova is an old hag of sixty who tells LEIS to get a baby, and blows smoke in the poor baby's face.

I do think the poster a page or so back was on the money with the masochistic tendencies, and yes, fifty shades is pretty lame. Man on man BDSM is much hotter, but you do run the risk of becoming a lady-body to a lesser gay if you're not careful.

magnolia
07-31-2012, 04:19 AM
SceneIt, what happened to you is very, very common. Chances are that a woman will have dated a closeted gay man at least once (if they have dated more than 10-20 men), though they may have left the relationship not knowing exactly why the relationship did not work out, though a good chunk probably reach some kind of awareness before they breakup. Just google the phrase 'is my boyfriend gay' and you get over 50 million hits.

And this kind of thing happens to all kinds of women, young and old, in all shapes and shades. I was watching Pride and Prejudice (2005) a while back with the director's comment, and he mentioned that the actress Rosamund Pike, who played Janet Bennet, was very brave to act opposite Simon Woods who played Mr. Bingley in the film, because when they both attended Cambridge University (I think) together, they used to date but Simon Woods has since come out so he was and is gay but probably was a bit confused regarding his own sexuality when he was dating Rosamund.

Five months is a long time to invest in a relationship, but if you consider the fact that there are many women who find out their husbands are gay after 10, 20, 30 years of marriage, you got off lightly. It's a good thing that this guy's own homophobia made him think that you had accused him of being gay (which he most likely is).

Sparks
07-31-2012, 04:26 AM
:scream::yikes::scream: