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overedge
07-26-2012, 09:24 PM
I am not hunting them! The first closet gay came as a complete shock, and then okay, I ferreted two out

If you "ferreted" two out, then you are indeed hunting them. Or the other possibility is that you don't care if your posts make any sense.

UMBS Go Blue
07-26-2012, 09:30 PM
If anything, this thread makes for some juicy armchair psychoanalysis (http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/intro.asp). :watch:

magnolia
07-26-2012, 09:56 PM
If you "ferreted" two out, then you are indeed hunting them. Or the other possibility is that you don't care if your posts make any sense.

In all the years that I associated with, went out for drinks with openly-gay people, the issue of closeted gay people was raised only briefly in terms of what that meant for the advancement of gay rights. During the 90's, there even was this argument within the gay community, I believe, that closeted gays should even be forced to come out for the sake of the movement (which I personally did not agree with). So my image of 'gay behavior' was informed by openly-gay people and I never knew what closeted-gay people do. And so my encounter with the first guy was the first time that I became aware of someone who is in the closet and it really shook me because I had foolishly thought that I had a good understanding of how 'gay' people behave.

As for the men that contacted me, of course all the posters can cut me up for claiming this but I am actually not ugly but can be considered pretty good looking. And I am very highly educated. And I have a pretty good income. All of this was more or less reflected in my profile, and I did find that 1. young, flashy looking men who reported on their profile that they had little or no income contacted me, 2. very rich, very confident older men who had lost their wives and wanted a younger wife contacted me, and 3. the men, who, age-wise and situation-wise, I would be interested in getting to know further did not want to date me once they got full disclosure of exactly what my job was and my multilingual abilities because they found me daunting, but 4. similar types of men who were closet gays were very eager to date me.

This is what I experienced, and for those of you who think you know more than me about how closeted gay men behave and think, you may be right, but it is equally possible that you are very wrong.

michiruwater
07-26-2012, 10:04 PM
So basically, men of every type and age group contacted you. That's what happens on a dating site.

You know what? I've been on dating sites. Now, I would not call myself necessarily pretty good-looking. I'm average. I have a relatively pretty faces and a few other attractive features and then parts of me that are either completely average or less than - so, typical person, I'd say. I'm reasonably intelligent. I'm young. And you know what? I had older men contact me. I had men my age (it would be hard to go too much younger) contact me. I had much older men contact me. I had rich men, poor men, dumb men, smart men. Because it was a DATING SITE and that is what the purpose of a dating site is! I'm sure your results ran the complete gamut more than mine did, because I believe you that you are very attractive.

And you do realize that you are basing this whole thing, and openly deceived additional men, and were apparently extremely scarred and unsettled, by going on two dates (IIRC, unless that was someone else?) with a man whom you decided was gay with absolutely no confirmation whatsoever from him?

made_in_canada
07-26-2012, 10:06 PM
And so my encounter with the first guy was the first time that I became aware of someone who is in the closet and it really shook me because I had foolishly thought that I had a good understanding of how 'gay' people behave.


:wall:

I still don't understand why the idea of a closeted gay man (real or imaginary) that you don't have any personal investment in is so threatening to you. Why do you care? It's none of your business. You don't have to date them.

PDilemma
07-26-2012, 10:07 PM
So basically, men of every type and age group contacted you. That's what happens on a dating site.

And you do realize that you are basing this whole thing, and openly deceived additional men, and were apparently extremely scarred and unsettled, by going on two dates (IIRC, unless that was someone else?) with a man whom you decided was gay with absolutely no confirmation whatsoever from him?

And those two dates made her an authority on "closeted gay men".

I can buy that. I went on two dates with an Air Force pilot once, thus I can fly a stealth bomber with ease. ;)

danceronice
07-26-2012, 10:08 PM
Most Japanese women tend to write about how they 'love to cook and look after children' and I wrote a profile that, in comparison, was more 'rational', for want of a better word.

So, now closeted gay men are lesser, and Japanese women who want a traditional marriage and children are irrational. Gay men need to subscribe to the pattern of behavior you think is appropriate, and women who don't aspire to what you consider appropriate independence aren't rational beings.

Have you considered that perhaps these men MIGHT be bi? Bisexuals exist, you know. Or interested in dating a woman just to try it? There isn't a committee somewhere that lays down dictates on How People Must Rigidly Adhere To Sexual Roles.

Anyone else wondering if we found the real author of that list mentioned in the Tom and Katie thread of Male Celebrities Who are TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTIONS GAY GAY GAY (no matter what they say about it themselves, or how many women they date/marry.)

agalisgv
07-26-2012, 10:09 PM
Can I just say--magnolia isn't engaging in steroetyping. It's caricaturing. According to her, gay men walk funny, talk funny, are effeminate, manipulative and deceptive, and groom naive women much as sexual predators do children.

Homophobic doesn't even begin to describe it.

michiruwater
07-26-2012, 10:12 PM
No, agal, it's just the Lesser Gay Men who do that - you know, only the (apparently relatively substantial number of) gay men who are unable to be strong in who they are as gay men.

VIETgrlTerifa
07-26-2012, 10:12 PM
And the truth is that if you're going to be so hell-bent on finding evidence that your date might be gay, you're going to find it no matter if he is or not.

I also think it's quite silly to be so paranoid that you have to be on the look-out for closeted gay men looking for a "she-body." Nobody in this thread denies that it happens to many men and women, but you're making it sound like you have a 99% chance of it happening to you at every instance. I mean why else would you seek advice from a ridiculous book like Gay Husband Checklist. I mean you're not Liza Minnelli, are you?

magnolia
07-26-2012, 10:24 PM
:wall:

I still don't understand why the idea of a closeted gay man (real or imaginary) that you don't have any personal investment in is so threatening to you. Why do you care? It's none of your business. You don't have to date them.

I can't understand why posters find it difficult to realize that it can be very scary for a woman to find out that she nearly seriously considered having a relationship with someone who could not possibly care for you but in fact, probably is repulsed by you, but they only want to associate with you because they want you to fill the role of a wife so they can pretend to be heterosexual, and that they will lie about their affections for you all the while shagging multiple men, because they so desperately want to appear straight.

Anyway, I did find a way to get over it. I did what I had to make sure my gaydar worked on closet gays for safety's sake, and then got out to avoid ever having to use it.

(Edited to Add: I tend to think men who claim they are bi are actually gay in the sense that they actually really prefer shagging men and are able to shag women on occassion and are proud of themselves for being able to perform on both.)

UMBS Go Blue
07-26-2012, 10:29 PM
Weed out everything else and this is what it boils down to, really:


someone who could not possibly care for you but in fact, probably is repulsed by you

made_in_canada
07-26-2012, 10:34 PM
I can't understand why posters find it difficult to realize that it can be very scary for a woman to find out that she nearly seriously considered having a relationship with someone who could not possibly care for you but in fact, probably is repulsed by you, but they only want to associate with you because they want you to fill the role of a wife so they can pretend to be heterosexual, and that they will lie about their affections for you all the while shagging multiple men, because they so desperately want to appear straight.

Anyway, I did find a way to get over it. I did what I had to make sure my gaydar worked on closet gays for safety's sake, and then got out to avoid ever having to use it.

(Edited to Add: I tend to think men who claim they are bi are actually gay in the sense that they actually really prefer shagging men and are able to shag women on occassion and are proud of themselves for being able to perform on both.)

Amazing what an irrational fear can produce in people. If I go out on a date with someone and don't like them for whatever reason I just don't date them again. It seems to have worked pretty well. I guess I don't understand why a potentially closeted gay man on a date is so "scary" for you and why you feel you needed to be armed with your twisted version of a gaydar "for safety's sake". These men are no more likely to rape you or physically harm you then any other man and it's not like you're emotionally invested in a person from a first date, are you? I just don't see where your fear is coming from.

The bolded shows that you clearly have no grasp of how human sexuality works. I'm not exactly sure how you can be so content in your ignorance but to each their own.

VALuvsMKwan
07-26-2012, 10:36 PM
I did what I had to make sure my gaydar worked on closet gays for safety's sake, and then got out to avoid ever having to use it.


However did you manage to do each of these? I'm very curious to know.

Theatregirl1122
07-26-2012, 10:36 PM
Oh, I guess we can add biphobic to the list of attractive personality traits you have on display here today.

Honey, if they're repulsed by you, it's probably not because you have a vagina.