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overedge
05-16-2012, 05:00 AM
I'm not talking about sending a photo. I'm talking about the formal announcements, with the school emblem and a bio of all of your academic and extracurricular accomplishments.

Theatregirl said she sent a "graduation announcement", which I suspect contained a little bit more information than just a photo.

AxelAnnie
05-16-2012, 10:09 AM
So umm...in the case that the couple have no idea where they're going to be after the wedding and do not want actual physical gifts, how would one tactfully let the invited guests know? I mean, we obviously wouldn't say no to gift cards or cash (although we would be fine with nothing and will not be judging people!), but from what I've seen, it's "tacky" to request them. :o

At the risk of being oh so last century....why are they getting married if they have no idea what they are going to do after the wedding? Isn't it sort of the point....to start a life together?

AxelAnnie
05-16-2012, 10:22 AM
This is slightly off topic, but relevant. I don't think it's right to invite people to things where giving a gift would be expected, and they live too far away to attend. I also think that graduation announcements are tacky. It's like sending out a card asking for a gift. I did not send graduation announcements when I graduated or when either of my kids did. We had a party for their high school graduations and relatives and close friends, who attended, gave gifts. Classmates are not expected to. College graduation, we took them to Europe. No party, no gifts. Except from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Godparents. My husband's family sends announcements for everything - cousin's children's children's graduation from everything fro per-school through college. Each time a gift goes in the mail. I just can't do that.

Oh I have a totally different take. I love being included, and if it too far to get to, I always send an especially nice gift. graduations imo, don't rise to the level of gift. Ah...but a nice card;)

destination weddings should be outlawed! I SPENT $11,000 on my son's second wedding (bride's second also).... and they paid for te wedding. I had other kids tomget there and house, clothing formthree days ...brown...yuk...and the going away brunch on Saturday. A video would have been just fine. BTW son's first wedding was destimation....and on a holiday weekend.....just to make travel a little more special

Anita18
05-16-2012, 10:59 AM
At the risk of being oh so last century....why are they getting married if they have no idea what they are going to do after the wedding? Isn't it sort of the point....to start a life together?
Oh we have ideas of what we're going to do, we're just not sure where yet. :P Fiance would probably like to freelance - he's never lasted long at a company, big or small. It's pretty hopeless. :lol: He's a really hard worker, just never got down with company culture. So it'll probably be up to me and seeing where I find a job with benefits.

Or whether I'll even finish up my design certificate next year. If I don't get the classes I need in the time I want, we know what the immediate plan is - to stay in SoCal (and keep my current job, and put him on my benefits) until I finish that certificate. :P

So you see, it's kind of up in the air. We do feel it's a good time to try and make our way into the world together though. Neither of us are big believers in the settling-down-into-a-suburb-with-a-white-picket-fence kind of American dream, so that's something we have in common. We are free-loving hippies, who want to go into the journey of life together. :) Doesn't mean we want to buy a house and settle down, oh noooooo.

I never thought being unsure of where you're going to go after getting married was really that unusual, though, especially in uncertain times like these. I remember the major drama immediately before my cousin's wedding - she'd been accepted to Harvard Law but said she wasn't going to go unless hubby-elect could be with her. Her parents were like, "Call off the wedding if hubby doesn't make it to Cambridge too!" :rofl: Somehow the wedding still happened, hubby miraculously got into Harvard grad school, wifey went on to Harvard Law, all was well with the world. :)

That was actually the first wedding I ever attended, too. Figures I'd interpret that kind of uncertainty as normal, huh? :P Not to mention just the utter lack of jobs around now. There's A LOT more uncertainty now than when my cousin got married yeeears ago. I have two friends who just got married, one couple is aiming to change careers (yes, both partners), and another couple is just plain scrambling for jobs, because both are unemployed! Whoever finds the most lucrative job first, the other partner presumably will follow. That's how it worked with my parents too, when they made the big move from NJ to CA. :lol:

Skittl1321
05-16-2012, 02:10 PM
I also think that graduation announcements are tacky. It's like sending out a card asking for a gift.

This is how I felt, but my mother threw a fit when we almost didn't send them out for my husband's PhD- she said most of the family kept "family bibles" where they stored these things, and it would be a huge disappointment to my Aunts if they didn't get them (not his Aunts, mind you).

So we sent them out. He got cards from 80% of who we sent them to, and gifts from maybe 5%. That tells me it wasn't interpreted as a gift grab.

We send a congratulations card to anyone who sends a graduation announcement to us (lots of our peers are finishing up law school or their PhDs now). No gifts.


Here's my question for the day: Do I send a gift to a bridal shower I cannot attend? I always send gifts to weddings I can't attend, but I'm not sure how to coordinate it for the shower. I don't know the person hosting it (though I could call her and ask for her address, I suppose). So do I send it to the host's house? Or is a gift only expected if you attend?
This is my husband's cousins wedding. I've met his bride-to-be, but I honestly couldn't pick her out of a line up...

milanessa
05-16-2012, 02:24 PM
Here's my question for the day: Do I send a gift to a bridal shower I cannot attend? I always send gifts to weddings I can't attend, but I'm not sure how to coordinate it for the shower. I don't know the person hosting it (though I could call her and ask for her address, I suppose). So do I send it to the host's house? Or is a gift only expected if you attend?
This is my husband's cousins wedding. I've met his bride-to-be, but I honestly couldn't pick her out of a line up...

No gift necessary. :)

cruisin
05-16-2012, 02:25 PM
This is how I felt, but my mother threw a fit when we almost didn't send them out for my husband's PhD- she said most of the family kept "family bibles" where they stored these things, and it would be a huge disappointment to my Aunts if they didn't get them (not his Aunts, mind you).

So we sent them out. He got cards from 80% of who we sent them to, and gifts from maybe 5%. That tells me it wasn't interpreted as a gift grab.

We send a congratulations card to anyone who sends a graduation announcement to us (lots of our peers are finishing up law school or their PhDs now). No gifts.


Here's my question for the day: Do I send a gift to a bridal shower I cannot attend? I always send gifts to weddings I can't attend, but I'm not sure how to coordinate it for the shower. I don't know the person hosting it (though I could call her and ask for her address, I suppose). So do I send it to the host's house? Or is a gift only expected if you attend?
This is my husband's cousins wedding. I've met his bride-to-be, but I honestly couldn't pick her out of a line up...

You don't have to, but I probably would. But then, I send gifts for graduation announcements :D.

How about this one: Do you think it is appropriate to invite someone to a wedding when you already know they cannot make it. Example: You are talking to the mother of the bride, who tells you to save the date. You tell her you will not be able to be there due to a family wedding. Should you still get an invite?

Jenny
05-16-2012, 02:31 PM
How about this one: Do you think it is appropriate to invite someone to a wedding when you already know they cannot make it. Example: You are talking to the mother of the bride, who tells you to save the date. You tell her you will not be able to be there due to a family wedding. Should you still get an invite?

Yes. I think people still want to see the announcement, and don't want to feel cut off just because they can't make that date. The bride and groom should add a handwritten note that says, "we know you can't make it, but wanted you to know you are welcome to join us if your plans change." Probably no need to include the RSVP card.

pixie cut
05-16-2012, 02:34 PM
For those who have no luck convincing people that they don't want gifts for their birthday, I suggest that you choose a charity and ask for a small donation in your name.

That's what I was thinking. It's a truly meaningful gesture.

danceronice
05-16-2012, 02:46 PM
Yeah, if someone donated to the American Family Association in my honor as a gift, I'd inwardly be pretty pissed off. In fact I have no idea how I would handle that situation, but it would be very annoying.

Sometimes people would make what they think is an informed guess and would get it WRONG. I have animals, someone might ass-u-me that I would be okay with their donating to ASPCA, PETA, HSUS. I would probably NOT be polite about it.

As I said upthread, I have a friend who actively fundraises for a particular cancer charity-I've sponsored her in triathalons for it, if she were to get married again I'd have no problems make a donation to it and knowing she'd be okay with that. But just randomly picking a charity that sounds nice seems like a major gamble at best.

danceronice
05-16-2012, 02:51 PM
Aren't you special. It must be exhausting for you to be so hostile over such trivial things. And if that is how your friends have bridal showers, I'm glad I don't know them.

Yeah, apparently "bridal shower" is the same as "bachelorette party" wherever that oddly hostile poster lives. Heck, I've been in a Vegas wedding and the bachelorette (such as it was) didn't involve strippers or tacky games.

Karina1974
05-16-2012, 03:04 PM
No, there isn't. It always seems to start with stupid games and penis themed party favours, and ends with a male stripper who shaves all over, but seems to have neglected that task for this event, as well as forgetting to wash his filthy yellow G-string. Oh, and cake.


I still remember my ex-SIL's shower. I was one of the bridesmaids, so I went, with my mother, as I didn't have my license yet. The shower itself was fun, they did the gifts, and the shower games (I won one of those) but afterward my ex-SIL, the MOH and the rest of the bridesmaids wanted to go out barhopping, plus there was a "surprise" that the rest of them had planned. The surprise was that they had rented a hotel room, and they had one of those cake shaped like a naked man with the banana for a penis, and the bride is supposed to bite it off the cake. And then, I guess strippers are hard to find in the Adirondacks (we were in Saranac Lake), they had gotten what they thought was a male-stripper video, but it turned out to be a porn film with male gay sex.

After that, they went barhopping, which is a real bore when you aren't old enough to drink, plus I scarely knew any of the other women in the bridal party anyway - but then, I'm now 37 and I still think "going out drinking" is a complete waste of both time and $$. Because I was only 18, didn't have my license yet, and Saranac Lake was a 3-hour drive away from where I lived at the time, my mother had come up with me. Needless to say, we left and went back to the motel we were staying at.

cruisin
05-16-2012, 03:09 PM
I still remember my ex-SIL's shower. I was one of the bridesmaids, so I went, with my mother, as I didn't have my license yet. The shower itself was fun, they did the gifts, and the shower games (I won one of those) but afterward my ex-SIL, the MOH and the rest of the bridesmaids wanted to go out barhopping, plus there was a "surprise" that the rest of them had planned. The surprise was that they had rented a hotel room, and they had one of those cake shaped like a naked man with the banana for a penis, and the bride is supposed to bite it off the cake. And then, I guess strippers are hard to find in the Adirondacks (we were in Saranac Lake), they had gotten what they thought was a male-stripper video, but it turned out to be a porn film with male gay sex.

After that, they went barhopping, which is a real bore when you aren't old enough to drink, plus I scarely knew any of the other women in the bridal party anyway - but then, I'm now 37 and I still think "going out drinking" is a complete waste of both time and $$. Because I was only 18, didn't have my license yet, and Saranac Lake was a 3-hour drive away from where I lived at the time, my mother had come up with me. Needless to say, we left and went back to the motel we were staying at.

But, the porn, the penis cake, and the bar hopping were not actually part of the shower. That was after the shower, which sounds like it was tame. I can't imagine having mothers, grandmothers, aunts, co-workers at a shower with penis games and strippers. :scream:

taf2002
05-16-2012, 03:37 PM
:eek: Sounds like she was in it just for the loot. Your poor brother -- but what was he thinking?

Well, he wasn't thinking with the "big head" obviously. According to my husband, she was pretty hot. I couldn't see it as I had known her a long time.

What was ironic about her keeping all the gifts was that they were mostly from our family & my brother's friends since it was his 1st wedding. Her side were mostly sick of her serial marriages & not only didn't send gifts but didn't come to the wedding which took place on St Thomas island (her idea) which my brother paid for.

Karina1974
05-16-2012, 04:47 PM
But, the porn, the penis cake, and the bar hopping were not actually part of the shower. That was after the shower, which sounds like it was tame. I can't imagine having mothers, grandmothers, aunts, co-workers at a shower with penis games and strippers. :scream:

Noooo, it wasn't... it was only me, my ex-SIL, her MOH (her BFF), and the other bridesmaids (her sisters and another really close friend of hers). I'm guessing that unpleasantness at the hotel was the "bachelorette party" you mentioned upthread. Unfortunately for my mother, she was my "ride" for that weekend, so she had to witness the antics with that stupid cake and the god-awful video - they sure as hell did things a LOT tamer when she was in her 20's!

This, OTOH, was one of the least classiest scenarios I've had the dis-pleasure to be involved in. I think the only reason I was even asked to be a bridesmaid was because I am my brother's only sister, because I had absolutely nothing in common with these women.