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michiruwater
05-16-2012, 01:30 AM
Yeah, if someone donated to the American Family Association in my honor as a gift, I'd inwardly be pretty pissed off. In fact I have no idea how I would handle that situation, but it would be very annoying.

essence_of_soy
05-16-2012, 01:38 AM
Reading this, there really is a psychology to what people say versus what they mean, from guests and celebrants alike.


A flat mate of mine was the opposite.

Celebrating their 40th birthday, they sent out an email detailing a list presents they wanted (many of which were quite expensive, too).

What got me was that their birthday party was at a restaurant (where everyone paid for themselves). Gauging by people's opinions and reactions, no one else had a problem with either buying a listed gift or paying their own way for dinner. (Yes, my flatmate gave gifts to charities and to other people for Xmas and their birthdays. As for myself, sure, they get what they want by being so up front, but I thought asking for gifts is naked greed at its worst)

Anyway, I was pretty broke so in lieu of a present, I offered to give my time designing their invitation (both in print and as a pdf) and placecards.

Ironically, the time I spent doing and refining these tasks ended up being the most expensive gift of all.

Gazpacho
05-16-2012, 01:42 AM
It's hard to know. Perhaps you could handle it by saying, "You've requested that guests not bring gifts. I'd still like to honor your marriage by making a donation to a charity of your choice in your honor. What charity would you like to receive the donation?"

jlai
05-16-2012, 01:52 AM
To me donating to a charity is bettwr than giving me a gift I dont want, so even though people occasionally donate to their favorite charity, I'd take that over a gift any day.

leesaleesa
05-16-2012, 02:02 AM
Are you talking about a bridal shower or a bachelorette party?

I replied to someone who stated bridal showers were not fun with a bridal shower experience of my own, so I would assume it was obvious that I was referring to a bridal shower I attended. Sort of like the no gift thing-No gift means no gift, and speaking about a bridal shower means you're speaking about a bridal shower. People usually do mean what they say. It must be exhausting for you to have to agonize over the meaning of plainly spoken words.

cruisin
05-16-2012, 02:07 AM
This is slightly off topic, but relevant. I don't think it's right to invite people to things where giving a gift would be expected, and they live too far away to attend. I also think that graduation announcements are tacky. It's like sending out a card asking for a gift. I did not send graduation announcements when I graduated or when either of my kids did. We had a party for their high school graduations and relatives and close friends, who attended, gave gifts. Classmates are not expected to. College graduation, we took them to Europe. No party, no gifts. Except from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Godparents. My husband's family sends announcements for everything - cousin's children's children's graduation from everything fro per-school through college. Each time a gift goes in the mail. I just can't do that.

cruisin
05-16-2012, 02:08 AM
I replied to someone who stated bridal showers were not fun with a bridal shower experience of my own, so I would assume it was obvious that I was referring to a bridal shower I attended. Sort of like the no gift thing-No gift means no gift, and speaking about a bridal shower means you're speaking about a bridal shower. People usually do mean what they say. It must be exhausting for you to have to agonize over the meaning of plainly spoken words.

Aren't you special. It must be exhausting for you to be so hostile over such trivial things. And if that is how your friends have bridal showers, I'm glad I don't know them.

manhn
05-16-2012, 02:50 AM
No gifts = No gifts. No homemade furniture, no picture frames, no charity donations. And if you insist on charity donations, I'll make sure you donate to an organization that is not in line with your personal beliefs. So, friends from the east coast? Donate to the "Lynnwood, WA needs a Skate America" Fund. Takahashi fans? Donate to the "Mrs. Chan Wants Her Son to Find a New Coach" Fund.

FigureSpins
05-16-2012, 04:21 AM
I replied to someone who stated bridal showers were not fun with a bridal shower experience of my own, so I would assume it was obvious that I was referring to a bridal shower I attended. Sort of like the no gift thing-No gift means no gift, and speaking about a bridal shower means you're speaking about a bridal shower. People usually do mean what they say. It must be exhausting for you to have to agonize over the meaning of plainly spoken words.
:confused: I also thought you were describing a bachelorette party, not a shower. You obviously travel in different social circles, so I could see why you dislike showers. I like them, especially for family that I don't see often - gives us a chance to catch up.

Ime, the raciest thing to happen at a bridal shower is when the bride opens a gift of sexy lingerie or edible underwear, usually given by her sister or mother. Most of the time, it's dishes, pots and pans followed by admiring the "kitchen maid" that someone created for the occasion. I made a pretty wedding cake out of towels once, which was turned into a centerpiece for the day. I love making the beribboned hat.

We had a wedding money bag as well, which was convenient for all those cards and envelopes. There had been reports of thieves sneaking into wedding receptions and snitching the bag, so MIL guarded it well. (It was her idea; I'm not Italian.)

My late FIL wanted a detailed accounting of every monetary gift, so he could be sure that his son wasn't cheated by his wife's siblings. After all, he reasoned, they had given generous wedding gifts to their children, he wanted to know that the generosity had been reciprocated. :blah:

As Steve Martin would say: "Two little words that will get you out of any situation: 'I forgot.'" FIL gave up after six months of asking about the list.

The OP could use it for this occasion and just send the couple a nice card and note, forgetting about the office gift if it makes you uncomfortable.

cruisin
05-16-2012, 04:33 AM
^^ I was rather :confused: by such an intense reaction to a non-confrontational question.

Anyway, I went to a shower a few years ago, where they had a wishing well. They asked that guests write down their favorite recipe (or two) for the bride, and place in the wishing well. To start her with a little "cookbook". I thought that was a really nice idea. It was in addition to gifts :)

maatTheViking
05-16-2012, 04:34 AM
This is slightly off topic, but relevant. I don't think it's right to invite people to things where giving a gift would be expected, and they live too far away to attend. I also think that graduation announcements are tacky. It's like sending out a card asking for a gift. I did not send graduation announcements when I graduated or when either of my kids did. We had a party for their high school graduations and relatives and close friends, who attended, gave gifts. Classmates are not expected to. College graduation, we took them to Europe. No party, no gifts. Except from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Godparents. My husband's family sends announcements for everything - cousin's children's children's graduation from everything fro per-school through college. Each time a gift goes in the mail. I just can't do that.

I would never think to send gift for graduations, except very close family- I got gifts from parents at high school and tham and my brother for my masters (my grandparents had passed).

I wonder if the announcements are a sign of the peer of the card industry?
We made cards for Xmas through shutterfly (and loved them), and now they keep advertising for all these cards - what should I use them for? I could imagine sending graduation pics as a card, but I wouldn't expect gifts.

cruisin
05-16-2012, 04:48 AM
I would never think to send gift for graduations, except very close family- I got gifts from parents at high school and tham and my brother for my masters (my grandparents had passed).

I wonder if the announcements are a sign of the peer of the card industry?
We made cards for Xmas through shutterfly (and loved them), and now they keep advertising for all these cards - what should I use them for? I could imagine sending graduation pics as a card, but I wouldn't expect gifts.

The problem is that people who get announcements often feel they should send something. We've been getting graduation announcements for 20 years. The schools sell them as part of the graduation photo package. We bought some of the photos, for family. But did not buy announcements. I just think it's asking for a gift, so I won't send them. It's one thing to give a gift if you're invited to a celebration, and can be there. But announcements for every accomplishment your child has is a bit much.

Theatregirl1122
05-16-2012, 04:54 AM
Yeah, if someone donated to the American Family Association in my honor as a gift, I'd inwardly be pretty pissed off. In fact I have no idea how I would handle that situation, but it would be very annoying.

I would definitely respond by making a much larger donation to planned parenthood in their name. But sometimes I get passive aggressive. :shuffle:


cruisin, I sent graduation announcements to my close friends and family because most of them hadn't gotten a professional photo of me in about a decade and will probably never get one again, so we thought they'd appreciate it. All of them did. And none of them who wouldn't have sent money regardless of the announcement sent money or felt pressured to do so. So, I'm sorry if having someone you love send you a picture of them on a special occasion would make you so uncomfortable but it sort of seems like you need to relax a little bit about these kinds of things.

cruisin
05-16-2012, 04:57 AM
I would definitely respond by making a much larger donation to planned parenthood in their name. But sometimes I get passive aggressive. :shuffle:


cruisin, I sent graduation announcements to my close friends and family because most of them hadn't gotten a professional photo of me in about a decade and will probably never get one again, so we thought they'd appreciate it. All of them did. And none of them who wouldn't have sent money regardless of the announcement sent money or felt pressured to do so. So, I'm sorry if having someone you love send you a picture of them on a special occasion would make you so uncomfortable but it sort of seems like you need to relax a little bit about these kinds of things.

I'm not talking about sending a photo. I'm talking about the formal announcements, with the school emblem and a bio of all of your academic and extracurricular accomplishments.

Theatregirl1122
05-16-2012, 05:00 AM
I'm not talking about sending a photo. I'm talking about the formal announcements, with the school emblem and a bio of all of your academic and extracurricular accomplishments.

This was a photo with text announcing that I was graduating and listing my school and degree program. Since you mentioned that they come in the photo package, I assumed you were talking about something similar.