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taf2002
05-15-2012, 06:02 AM
I think people should honor the request for no gifts. That doesn't mean you can't let them know your good wishes for them. When my parents had their 50th anniversary, we gave them a huge party. We said no gifts & we meant it. However, they did receive about 400 cards. My mother told me it took her a couple of weeks to read (savor) them all. She loved them.

Re gifts at the wedding, frankly I'm still horrified I see people take them there. Hopefully the invitation arrived by mail. Therefore the guests now have the bride's address. There is no reason good enough to excuse this & I never understand it. Do they not want to pay postage to have it delivered? Did they wait till the last minute & now there's no time to mail it before the wedding? Anyway, it's just another thing to take care of on a day that is filled with details, plus you now need someone to keep an eye on them.

At my 1st wedding a lot of people brought gifts. After the reception we were just about to leave for the honeymoon & people starting saying "open the gifts". That was the last thing I wanted to do right then: open gifts & try to look excited & happy & grateful at a time when I hardly knew my own name & was a nervous wreck.

maatTheViking
05-15-2012, 06:03 AM
Then why are you talking about being sad that a bride can't have a big gift-opening party? Because that's all about tangible gifts. And showing them off.

I believe one thing is bridal showers, where you usually bring it and the point is to open gift.

The other was talking about the wedding gifts them selves? (and birthday gifts)

MacMadame
05-15-2012, 06:09 AM
Did they wait till the last minute & now there's no time to mail it before the wedding?
Yes.


why should I deprive them from the same good feeling.
Because everyone is different and just because it gives you a good feeling, doesn't mean it will give everyone a good feeling.

essence_of_soy
05-15-2012, 12:39 PM
I was going to get my BFF, Lillian, a Wilson Phillips CD, but I think I'll surprise her with an all expenses paid trip for two to Paris instead.

milanessa
05-15-2012, 12:52 PM
So cruisin, what exactly are the words that someone could say to make you believe they REALLY don't want a gift? To convince you that they're not being polite, coy or disingenuous?

milanessa
05-15-2012, 12:54 PM
Because everyone is different and just because it gives you a good feeling, doesn't mean it will give everyone a good feeling.

This - double.

Aceon6
05-15-2012, 01:04 PM
Our family has had several "no gifts" occasions in the last few years. Every time someone ignores the request, the reaction is "can't they read", not "how sweet of them." On the rare occasion that an unexpected gift was well received, it was because it was a highly personal item like a CD with digitized copies of old family photos. To me, "no gifts" means nothing purchased, period.

As for the co-worker gathering twenties for a gift for the OP's couple. If the company permits it, a donation of 1 hour vacation time per person, or an offer to cover so the bride can duck out early on her last day of work might be better choices.

flyingsit
05-15-2012, 01:21 PM
Two separate situations. This bride has not requested no gifts. She is just not registered. I asked her if she was and she told me no. Because they have no storage space. Not because she doesn't want to receive things. Part of the fun of bridal showers is watching the bride's excitement when she gets something she really wants. Sorry if that makes me a terrible person.

There is NOTHING fun about bridal showers.

Jenny
05-15-2012, 01:33 PM
I appreciate and respect that a bride and groom might request no gifts. But they also need to appreciate that some people will feel uncomfortable if they don't give them something.

Just as many of you are completely horrified by the terrible crime of bringing a gift to a wedding, many people are just as upset by the idea of not giving a gift to a bride and groom.

I see where cruisin is coming from. For years and years I have been trying to stop my parents from giving me gifts, but I still get them. It’s got better over time, but they still show up with odd things they thought I’d like that they couldn’t afford and that I didn’t really need or want.

It’s a fine balance between what I want, and what they want, especially when their intentions are good and they are such good people; I don’t want the gifts, but I have to respect their need to give them.


I think it is rather simple, no gifts means no gifts! However, I see the conundrum whenever someone is trying to put together a group gift. You know the gift is going to be given and you have to wonder if they will notice the absence of your name/contribution. That one is a bit tougher. I would stick to their wishes though. Ultimately this is their wedding and their request. Just politely decline to contribute while pointing out that they asked for no gifts.

It's unfortunate the OP has been backed into this corner, but I do think BigB has the right approach. If you are worried the recipient will wonder why you're missing, you might find a way to do something nice before or after, like a nice lunch or something.

Because at the same time, I have been to occasions where people explicitly said "don't bring anything" so I didn't, and then found that everyone else did, and got big hugs and thank yous without any "you shouldn't have." I honestly think that some people think it's polite to say "no gifts" but they really want - and in some cases expect - them anyway. Or that by saying “no gifts” they are in fact actually reminding people to bring something. :mad:

milanessa
05-15-2012, 01:44 PM
Never mind. It's just not that important. :)

Aceon6
05-15-2012, 02:02 PM
As far as an occasion where people bring a gift when asked not to what is the host or guest of honor supposed to do but thank the giver. Doesn't mean they're not seething inside.

I agree. Most etiquette books advise to thank the person, then hide the item to avoid embarrassing the folks who respected the no gifts request.

cruisin
05-15-2012, 02:53 PM
So cruisin, what exactly are the words that someone could say to make you believe they REALLY don't want a gift? To convince you that they're not being polite, coy or disingenuous?

I have only been to one event where the invitation said no gifts. I did not bring a gift, I respected their wishes. But shoot me for trying to look at both sides and try to explain that some people (myself included) feel very uncomfortable not bringing a gift.


Just as many of you are completely horrified by the terrible crime of bringing a gift to a wedding, many people are just as upset by the idea of not giving a gift to a bride and groom.

I see where cruisin is coming from. For years and years I have been trying to stop my parents from giving me gifts, but I still get them. Itís got better over time, but they still show up with odd things they thought Iíd like that they couldnít afford and that I didnít really need or want.

Itís a fine balance between what I want, and what they want, especially when their intentions are good and they are such good people; I donít want the gifts, but I have to respect their need to give them.

Thank you. All I've been trying to do is make people understand exactly that.

nubka
05-15-2012, 03:18 PM
I have only been to one event where the invitation said no gifts. I did not bring a gift, I respected their wishes. But shoot me for trying to look at both sides and try to explain that some people (myself included) feel very uncomfortable not bringing a gift.



Thank you. All I've been trying to do is make people understand exactly that.

Crusin, I understand what you are saying, too, and what's the harm in looking at it from both sides? :) :)

JasperBoy
05-15-2012, 03:37 PM
Here's my solution to "no gifts" requests, FWIW.

I have found a photo of the celebrant, enlarged it and put it into a nice thrift store frame. In one case it was a baby photo of the birthday girl that she did not have. She was thrilled, and the little gift cost next to nothing.

For those who have no luck convincing people that they don't want gifts for their birthday, I suggest that you choose a charity and ask for a small donation in your name. If your friends hear that request often enough they should come to know that you mean it.

cruisin
05-15-2012, 03:44 PM
Here's my solution to "no gifts" requests, FWIW.

I have found a photo of the celebrant, enlarged it and put it into a nice thrift store frame. In one case it was a baby photo of the birthday girl that she did not have. She was thrilled, and the little gift cost next to nothing.

For those who have no luck convincing people that they don't want gifts for their birthday, I suggest that you choose a charity and ask for a small donation in your name. If your friends hear that request often enough they should come to know that you mean it.

That is actually a great idea. Sort of like when someone passes. It used to be that everyone sent flowers to a funeral home or the house. Some of them went to the burial site, cremation site, etc. But most of the flowers just got thrown away. Such a waste. So, many families began suggesting, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to XYZ, in the loved one's name. Maybe a way of getting around the no gifts thing would be to say - We would appreciate that there be no gifts. However, if you feel you want to give us something, please make a donation to XYZ. Or something to that effect. That way, the bride/groom, birthday person, etc. Can feel good and their guest will not feel uncomfortable.