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Garden Kitty
05-15-2012, 01:16 AM
I would listen if the bride and groom request no gifts, but I personally prefer it if they at least suggest a charity or two.

Rob, in your case, if your husband is still willing to do the piece of furniture even if gifts aren't required, I might wait until after the wedding and they have a chance to get settled and then talk to her and see if she'd be comfortable accepting the piece. For some reason that gift seems more personal and somebody who doesn't want to look like they're soliciting cash from friends for a second wedding may still want such a thoughtful, personal gift. But I'd talk to her before spending that much time and effort on it.

kwanfan1818
05-15-2012, 01:23 AM
I don't think I said that.
Sure you did, if you do what you feel comfortable with, not what they asked.

Maybe some people will feel uncomfortable if there is meat served at the reception, with an interfaith service, with the bride's ex-fiance's presence, with the length of the groom's hair, with the pregnant-but-unmarried bridesmaid, with the bride's nose ring, with the club where the reception will be held, etc.

If you're a guest, and you can't live with whatever, there's always the option of declining with regret.


And I seriously doubt that the bride and groom would be offended if I make a donation to, say, St. Jude in their name.
What if St. Jude has policies the bride and/or groom disagree with which the bridge and/or groom disagree?


Sometimes you have to accept that others want to do something generous, from the heart and be gracious.

So they should suck up their feelings, because you were too uncomfortable following their wishes and followed your own definition of generosity? There's nothing to stop you from making a donation to St. Jude on your own.

Anita18
05-15-2012, 01:24 AM
That's where your network comes in: they spread the word that you have no place to put any gifts and that storage would be an added expense and burden. Then they lead the brainstorming effort about what would be the best thing for you, and, hopefully, people don't conclude that lawn furniture is the answer to your predicament, unless they also offer to store it themselves and ship it to you when you're ready.
That would be exasperating AND hilarious. :lol:

cruisin
05-15-2012, 01:24 AM
I agree with those who say respect the "no gifts" request. I don't like to celebrate my birthday, repeatedly request "greeting cards only", but people don't feel comfortable with that and give me stuff anyway, to avoid feeling guilty/cheap/whatever. Which in turn makes me uncomfortable. I'd really rather have just a card. why is that so terrible?

It's not so terrible. For a very long time, I never asked for help, I felt uncomfortable/guilty if someone helped me, did something nice for me, gave me something. But, I have always loved to help other people, give them gifts, etc. I realized, as I got older, that I was being selfish. It gave me pleasure to do something nice for another person, why should I deprive them from the same good feeling.

jlai
05-15-2012, 01:25 AM
I agree with those who say respect the "no gifts" request. I don't like to celebrate my birthday, repeatedly request "greeting cards only", but people don't feel comfortable with that and give me stuff anyway, to avoid feeling guilty/cheap/whatever. Which in turn makes me uncomfortable. I'd really rather have just a card. why is that so terrible?

I have had that problem for years. It is as if they dont wanna hear my no gift request. I have requested that for ages and they still ask for what I want for bday or xmas.

cruisin
05-15-2012, 01:25 AM
Sure you did, if you do what you feel comfortable with, not what they asked.

Maybe some people will feel uncomfortable if there is meat served at the reception, with an interfaith service, with the bride's ex-fiance's presence, with the length of the groom's hair, with the pregnant-but-unmarried bridesmaid, with the bride's nose ring, with the club where the reception will be held, etc.

If you're a guest, and you can't live with whatever, there's always the option of declining with regret.


What if St. Jude has policies the bride and/or groom disagree with which the bridge and/or groom disagree?


So they should suck up their feelings, because you were too uncomfortable following their wishes and followed your own definition of generosity? There's nothing to stop you from making a donation to St. Jude on your own.

:rolleyes: A little bit of an overreaction?

milanessa
05-15-2012, 01:45 AM
It's not so terrible. For a very long time, I never asked for help, I felt uncomfortable/guilty if someone helped me, did something nice for me, gave me something. But, I have always loved to help other people, give them gifts, etc. I realized, as I got older, that I was being selfish. It gave me pleasure to do something nice for another person, why should I deprive them from the same good feeling.

:confused: Who's talking about help?


:rolleyes: A little bit of an overreaction?

No.

mag
05-15-2012, 01:54 AM
IMHO, if people would just go back to the tradition of sending wedding gifts to the bride prior to the wedding, therefore giving her time to get the thank you cards out of the way before the honeymoon, people wouldn't have have worry about showing up to the wedding empty handed. It would also save us all from those very long, very boring, gift opening parties. Yikes, who ever thought that was a good idea? Yes, I know, I'm stuck in a time warp (Rocky Horror is now running through my head!) When it comes to a request for no gifts, I think it should be respected. I love buying gifts, but hey, if someone really doesn't want one they shouldn't get one. As to giving a donation in someone's name, that can be tricky. A donation was once given in my name to an organization I find appalling. When they sent me a copy of their newsletter with my name listed as a supporter, I almost had a fit!

As for the employee taking up the collection, I second the idea of asking why. I would also talk to the other employees about it. If people are really set on giving something, then ask the bride if there is somewhere you all could donate money in her name.

Nomad
05-15-2012, 02:21 AM
It's not so terrible. For a very long time, I never asked for help, I felt uncomfortable/guilty if someone helped me, did something nice for me, gave me something. But, I have always loved to help other people, give them gifts, etc. I realized, as I got older, that I was being selfish. It gave me pleasure to do something nice for another person, why should I deprive them from the same good feeling.

Ummm, it's got nothing to do with "help" or being "selfish". I don't need or want lots of stuff. If you really want to give me a gift, do it at Christmas. But my birthday is (like a wedding) "my day", so please respect my wishes. If a card isn't enough for you, take me out to lunch, or a movie, or a museum. I'll appreciate that so much more than some object you got in a store because not giving a tangible gift feels weird to you. I'd rather spend time with you than get some random, token thing from you.

cruisin
05-15-2012, 03:57 AM
Ummm, it's got nothing to do with "help" or being "selfish". I don't need or want lots of stuff. If you really want to give me a gift, do it at Christmas. But my birthday is (like a wedding) "my day", so please respect my wishes. If a card isn't enough for you, take me out to lunch, or a movie, or a museum. I'll appreciate that so much more than some object you got in a store because not giving a tangible gift feels weird to you. I'd rather spend time with you than get some random, token thing from you.

But those are gifts. Just like a donation is a gift. I never said a gift was defined by tangible things.

BigB08822
05-15-2012, 04:15 AM
I think it is rather simple, no gifts means no gifts! However, I see the conundrum whenever someone is trying to put together a group gift. You know the gift is going to be given and you have to wonder if they will notice the absence of your name/contribution. That one is a bit tougher. I would stick to their wishes though. Ultimately this is their wedding and their request. Just politely decline to contribute while pointing out that they asked for no gifts.

overedge
05-15-2012, 04:17 AM
But those are gifts. Just like a donation is a gift. I never said a gift was defined by tangible things.

Then why are you talking about being sad that a bride can't have a big gift-opening party? Because that's all about tangible gifts. And showing them off.

cruisin
05-15-2012, 04:56 AM
Then why are you talking about being sad that a bride can't have a big gift-opening party? Because that's all about tangible gifts. And showing them off.

Two separate situations. This bride has not requested no gifts. She is just not registered. I asked her if she was and she told me no. Because they have no storage space. Not because she doesn't want to receive things. Part of the fun of bridal showers is watching the bride's excitement when she gets something she really wants. Sorry if that makes me a terrible person.

danceronice
05-15-2012, 05:11 AM
IMHO, if people would just go back to the tradition of sending wedding gifts to the bride prior to the wedding, therefore giving her time to get the thank you cards out of the way before the honeymoon, people wouldn't have have worry about showing up to the wedding empty handed. It would also save us all from those very long, very boring, gift opening parties. Yikes, who ever thought that was a good idea?

People don't do that any more? At least when my friends got married, yes, there were showers (I didn't go to either one despite being in the wedding parties as I was already flying out for the weddings so two trips like that in weeks wasn't feasible) but plenty of people sent gifts ahead. I vaguely recall going with my parents when they were trying to find something off my one cousin's registry and they had it sent to her before the weddings. I think bringing cards (with or without money in them) to a wedding is one thing, okay, maybe bring an actual gift to the wedding/reception if you simply CANNOT send it, but even when I've seen that I have never seen anyone sit there opening them.

And I would feel somewhat uncomfortable about not at LEAST giving a card, and maybe a fairly inexpensive gift card for something I know the bride/groom/both like/will use, but I wouldn't go buy something. To me "no gifts" generally translates as "please don't give us a ton of crap we already own/have no place to put/really don't need like nine glass pitchers". If they don't want gifts and aren't registered, I'm not going to buy them a fondue set or a bath mat on the assumption they're just being coy.

Charity donations I always find iffy unless the gift-ee has specified one in lieu of gifts or I'm CERTAIN they're involved with that particular charity (for example I have a friend who does triathalons for a particular cancer charity so I can safely assume she supports it.) I wouldn't feel comfortable just randomly selecting one no matter how benign.

mag
05-15-2012, 05:31 AM
People don't do that any more? At least when my friends got married, yes, there were showers (I didn't go to either one despite being in the wedding parties as I was already flying out for the weddings so two trips like that in weeks wasn't feasible) but plenty of people sent gifts ahead. ...

The last three weddings I attended I was the only one to send the gift ahead. The bride, in one case, and the brides' mothers, in the other two, actually thanked me for doing so. I had no idea that so many people took the gift to the wedding. At one wedding, a guest was visibly upset because she took a rather large, heavy looking gift to the church and there was no table set up for put it on. I seems to me to be a bit presumptuous to assume that there will be a table at the church. I've seen them at receptions, but the church? Off course, showers are different and people take the gift with them to the event.

When I got married, 20 years ago, most of the gifts were sent ahead. My dh and I opened them as they arrived. It was really nice because there was never more than two at a time to open. We were able to really enjoy opening each gift. We left the day after the ceremony for our honeymoon and planned it that way mainly to avoid a gift opening party.