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View Full Version : Does "No Gifts" really mean NO Gifts.



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cruisin
05-19-2012, 12:42 AM
Habs, I'd be happy to!

michiruwater
05-19-2012, 01:13 AM
But, even if I had done what you thought, would it deserve such hostility? What is wrong with people that they cannot be gracious and accept a kindness, even if they did not request it.

It's not that, in this hypothetical, they didn't request it. It's that hey specifically requested that you not do so, and you did so anyway to alleviate your discomfort regardless of the feeling of the person who specifically asked you not to, and that would be remarkably selfish of you.

As you've stated, you would not do that, and I understand that you would not do that, but you did ask. It is not kind to give someone a gift when they specifically asked you not to bring one. I can understand that this is difficult for you to understand, as gift-giving is completely ingrained into your social strata and clearly means very much to you, but that's the truth. You would be purposefully burdening someone. I can't say if I think it would be worth the level of hostility you clearly feel, but I do not think the issue would lie with the people who cannot graciously accept a kindness that is only perceived as a kindness by the giver.

After all, why should they have to graciously accept your 'kindness' when you, in this hypothetical, cannot and will not graciously accept the request for no gifts?

genevieve
05-19-2012, 01:36 AM
What is wrong with people that they cannot be gracious and accept a kindness, even if they did not request it.
what is wrong with people who cannot be gracious and accept that someone else's tradition around gifts may be different than their own?

cruisin
05-19-2012, 02:04 AM
what is wrong with people who cannot be gracious and accept that someone else's tradition around gifts may be different than their own?

I can be gracious and accept it. And, as I've already stated I have done exactly that. However uncomfortable that makes me feel. What I do not understand is the level of hostility aimed at a person or group who, maybe misguidedly, gives a gift which is unwanted. Maybe they should not give the gift, but, as I said already we're not advocating killing babies here.

Michiruwater, I wouldn't say it's ingrained in any social strata. My family always brought something. A gift, a bottle, flowers, food, something to say thank you for including me/us. My grandmother took it to extremes :lol: It got so that we needed a crew to unload all of the food she'd bring. But, that was how she expressed love (it's an Italian thing). Even when we told her we didn't need anything, she'd bring it. We'd smile and know we were loved. Then we'd send food home with everyone :lol:

Nomad
05-19-2012, 02:12 AM
I don't understand why the feelings of the donor are so much more important than those of the recipient.

rjblue
05-19-2012, 02:16 AM
This thread makes me very glad I'm a hermit.

Re parties for young children- when my daughter was ten, she had a friend at school who had never been to a party because she was a Jehovah's Witness, so she was thrilled to be able to come to our party. Instead of a birthday party, my daughter postponed the celebration until spring, and had a formal tea party. She had all her friends dress in their best, and we made some very fancy food. All the girls were asked to bring a small gift, and they did an exchange where everyone got a present. My daughter was the hostess, instead of "the birthday girl". It was the best party ever.

taf2002
05-19-2012, 02:52 AM
I don't understand why the feelings of the donor are so much more important than those of the recipient.

We might as well give it up. She's not going to accept anyone else's POV. She never does.

kwanfan1818
05-19-2012, 02:53 AM
What I do not understand is the level of hostility aimed at a person or group who, maybe misguidedly, gives a gift which is unwanted. Maybe they should not give the gift, but, as I said already we're not advocating killing babies here.

What they are showing is disrespect.

manhn
05-19-2012, 02:59 AM
And it's not like the host who states "No gifts" is not without needs or wants. I am sure there would be the absolute perfect gift for this person. However, if you give the host the perfect gift, how does it make the other guests feel when they come to the party with no gift (as per the host's actual instructions)? The host is now in a position to assuage the guilt and discomfort of the other guests. How wonderful.

Anita18
05-19-2012, 03:04 AM
Thank God I eloped.
Thank God most of my relatives are Chinese and generous...with money. :P Yay for red envelopes!

Not sure what the future mister's side of family usually does re: gifts. :lol:

cruisin
05-19-2012, 03:16 AM
I don't understand why the feelings of the donor are so much more important than those of the recipient.

Who ever said they were. Show me one post where anyone said that givers feelings were more important.

And Taff2002 :rolleyes: try reading the posts you critique. You might actually get a clue.

michiruwater
05-19-2012, 03:22 AM
No one, including you, ever said that explicitly. However, cruisin, whether or not you choose to believe this, nearly every post you have written in this thread has completely given that impression.

I mean, you've made, what, 37 posts in this thread, all on the same subject, over and over. The next highest number is 9, I believe. You'll say it's because you felt the need to defend yourself against the hostility, but what you've really done is definitely made it seem like the feelings of the donor and of people who enjoy giving gifts are far more important - and indeed, less 'wrong' - than those who do not want them. And you did yourself state 'what is wrong with people' about those people, which gives a very vivid impression of how you view them.

Southpaw
05-19-2012, 04:18 AM
Yay for red envelopes!

And dim sum. If anybody ever showed up at my house with unannounced dim sum I wouldn't kick them out.

taf2002
05-19-2012, 05:03 AM
I love giving gifts a lot more than receiving them. I completely understand wanting to show the honoree a little token of your fondness. I get it. I just don't understand why someone (usually older) who says "no gifts" is called selfish.

And btw, if someone says no gifts & you show up with wine & chocolates, that is a gift. I would be gracious & thank the person but I would also wonder if they had a comprehension problem.

We all have different ways of thinking. Personally I despise anyone over the age of 6 asking for money for any reason. I think it's tacky. But I got a wedding invitation recently that asked for gift cards. I kept my feelings about it to myself. I also can't stand when the bride's mother or sister throws a shower. Others accept it as the norm. Again, I keep my mouth shut.

And cruisin, you specifically called out my family for being too lazy to write thank you notes. FYI my mother would have never let anyone take care of what she would have considered her responsibility. So she would have written the several hundred cards (assuming couples would have brought 1 gift) which IMO would have been a burden to a 70 yr old woman, esp when she asked for no gifts in the 1st place. I have no idea how her friends & extended family felt about not buying my parents anything. They were all too polite to express their discomfort about attending a party without bringing a gift. IOW they kept their mouths shut & didn't insult us or call us selfish. I didn't call you names. But once again, if people don't adopt your POV, you attack, you get personal, & it eventually gets ugly.

genevieve
05-19-2012, 08:35 AM
Personally I despise anyone over the age of 6 asking for money for any reason. I think it's tacky.
I'm not so sure a 5 year old shaking people down for cash isn't tacky :saint: :P