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Pavla2304
05-07-2012, 09:12 AM
Dear FSUers,

I would like to hear your opinions/advices...

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 5 years, last 2 years we lived together. We were quite happy together and had almost no problems... Then he cheated on me and after it... he left me in one week, I was so shocked and I could not get it. I spent a month desperate and in tears. Well, he asked me to go out 2 weeks ago, so i went with him.... He wanted us to be together again... to try it out... I agreed it but I told him that I will need time to recover... He said: OK, it is up to you now... I aked him not to hurt me anymore, not to cheat on me anymore... He promised.

After 2 weeks of "a new relationship" I discovered yesterday that he made some announcment on one dating site. That he is seraching for a female friend, not a girlfriend... But he wanted her to be pretty between 18-25 years and so on... Well, I asked him about it... He told he just wanted to flirt through messages on internet, that it would not be anything more... He deleted the announcment afterwards. But after all it hurt me very much.

I was told as well that our relationship is not perfect like before... Well, how surprising after all what happened... He thought it would be the same like before... He was like that he wants to be with me, that he is missing me, that he likes the time when we are together, BUT always when he sees me he sees mostly my bad qualities... And NOW it is up to him if he can overcome this... Not about me, who must overcome his cheating... Funny...

He is the one who wants to meet me, who writes me like the first, who calls me if I want to go out... So everything shocked me again.

I can understand some of his negative feelings towards me. But the announcment on a dating site. I cannot understand how he could do it to me...

After this I gave him really the last chance...
I just wish he could see again, why we fell in love for the 1st time, why we loved each other for almost 5 years... But I do not know how to do it... And after that stupid announcment, I am not suer if I can be smily and happy when I am with him... What should I do?

You know, all people tell me I should leave him and not to take care anymore, but I still love him very much... And I want to give it a try, how can I make him to see my good qualities again???:(:(:(

Anita18
05-07-2012, 09:55 AM
You can't make him see your good qualities again if he doesn't choose to. It's like trying to change a pessimist into an optimist. I've tried - you can't do it.

I'm not going to mince words here. He obviously doesn't respect you in any way whatsoever. He's treating you like a pet whom he can call at will when he's feeling lonely, but from this vantage point, he doesn't see you as a partner, as an equal.

At the same time, he can't even respect himself enough to let you go properly and move on. He calls you and wants to get back together because he's weak. He can't stand being lonely, and he doesn't respect you enough to treat you like a person.

Like you can't make him see your good qualities again, I can't make you leave him. But you have to ask yourself - do you think you should be more respected in a relationship? It's really your call, whether to tolerate this as long as he wants to have you around, or whether you deserve something better for yourself.

((HUGS)) I know it's really hard, but he isn't the only person you'll be able to love. I promise.

WindSpirit
05-07-2012, 11:07 AM
What should I do? Run fast. Run far.


You know, all people tell me I should leave him and not to take care anymore, but I still love him very much... And I want to give it a try, how can I make him to see my good qualities again???:(:(:( You can't. The guy is using you and he will NOT change. All you can do is save yourself from more hurt and disappointment. You deserve someone who will love and respect you. He's not that person. He will only break your heart all over again. Let him go. He's not worth it.

I hope you're ready to hear that message since you're asking for advice. If not, you will repeat that circle until you are ready to get it. Don't feel bad about it, I firmly believe that we put ourselves in some situations in life only to learn something valuable and something that we're in need of learning, even if the situations are not smart or pleasant. But that's OK, some of them are just meant to be horrible warnings.

BigB08822
05-07-2012, 12:14 PM
Save yourself the heartache and find a real man!

Aussie Willy
05-07-2012, 12:48 PM
Most guys don't realise how good things were until they are gone. I broke off with someone because it was a dysfunctional relationship, much of which was due to his lack of emotional connection. After that he kept doing the whole "I miss you" and all that other stuff but it was too late. You sometimes have to be strong, stand your ground and not let yourself be treated like that.

essence_of_soy
05-07-2012, 01:05 PM
My advice? Ditch him and buy yourself a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

It's sweet, keeps you company, and satisfies your needs.

skatemommy
05-07-2012, 01:23 PM
You deserve better...a real man; not a little boy "flirting on the internet". Ask yourself, "do I want this man to be the father of my children"? I hope not. He is not going to change - you can't change other people, only your reaction to them. Your reaction should be to politely find a hill and run for it.

Twilight1
05-07-2012, 01:25 PM
Speaking from personal experience... run now and fast.

It'll hurt for a bit but in the grand scheme of things you will be saving yourself a lot of heartache later.

Lorac
05-07-2012, 01:31 PM
I am all for giving someone a second chance (unless they are physically abusive and then it's done) but you gave him a second chance and he blew it big time. And now he is trying to lay the blame at your door by starting to pick on you and who you are. Trust me there is no way back for this relationship - and he will always be looking elsewhere regardless of how hard you try (he won't be trying it will all be on you to make the realtionship work).

So as someone else has said - run away as fast as you can and find some one who will love and respect you for who you are.

Bostonfan
05-07-2012, 01:42 PM
I am all for giving someone a second chance (unless they are physically abusive and then it's done) but you gave him a second chance and he blew it big time.

This.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

It will hurt like hell and you'll feel like you'll never be able to love like that again. But you can't let that paralyze you from doing what you know you should do - which is leave.

You say that people (I assume the ones that know you) are telling you to leave him. Yet you're still conflicted. So conflicted that you're turning to strangers on a skating website seeking answers. Why? To see if someone validates that you should give it another try?

And what have you read from people here? The SAME thing as the people who know you. If that doesn't tell you something, then you are doomed to find yourself right back where you are with this guy. I get it. Five years is a long investment. It's hard to see it go down the drain. Sorry to be harsh, but you need a wake-up call.

Garden Kitty
05-07-2012, 03:03 PM
After spending so much time with someone, it's hard to move on. They're so much a part of how you think and what you do each day. But as others have pointed out - you've given him a chance, and a second chance, and he is still not treating you properly. Never date a person who thinks they are doing you a favor by being with you - you deserve better.

Wiery
05-07-2012, 03:07 PM
Get away as fast as possible from this guy-he's a serial cheater. Yes it hurts now, but it will only get worse over time-what if you married him, had children together, and then found out about his cheating? Trust me, I know from experience, the cheater does not change. Yes, there are exceptions, but your boyfriend does not seem likely to do so anytime in the next couple of decades.

CanuckSk8r
05-07-2012, 04:13 PM
Pavla, your story could be mine. Practically word for word, right down to the searching the answer from others. You want validation in your choice because you're hurt and confused.

My advice is in line with others - walk away and never look back, now.

He's proven his pattern, has a good thing but continues to look elsewhere. The only way the pattern will change is for you to change it. Not him. I am not a believer that online flirting is harmless, in fact I think it's more harmful than real life flirting but that's a whole other soapbox I can jump on.

His interests lay is self satisfaction first, this doesn't change.

Mostly you have to ask yourself "can I live like this for the rest of my life?" You have to assume that when you're dating, or re-kindling in this case, both parties are on their best behaviour, that this is as good as actions get. Will you be happy feeling the way you feel. When you answer that question honestly, you have YOUR answer, not everyone else's opinion.

It's been a year since I walked away. It hasn't been easy, but definitely worth it. I no longer worry about what is going on that I don't know about, nor am I constantly on guard and on the lookout. Peace of mind and self respect are not worth losing for anyone.

Anita18
05-07-2012, 04:20 PM
Most guys don't realise how good things were until they are gone. I broke off with someone because it was a dysfunctional relationship, much of which was due to his lack of emotional connection. After that he kept doing the whole "I miss you" and all that other stuff but it was too late. You sometimes have to be strong, stand your ground and not let yourself be treated like that.
To be fair, sometimes people really do turn things around if given another chance, and given some serious boundaries. My sister went through a period like this, but they had just started dating and he was just wishy washy and didn't know what he wanted. They had a serious sit-down discussion, she gave him another chance, and he's proven to be a stand-up guy.

But Pavla2304's guy doesn't like sound like that. He doesn't sound like he's sorry, especially if he continues to look for emotional (and maybe physical) fulfillment elsewhere, and then blames HER for feeling the way he does. He's the one who cheated, so he's the one who has to repair the trust between you two. It doesn't sound he's willing to do that.

Being in a committed relationship means committing to love your partner no matter what. Even if you think you've fallen out of love with the person, "love" is an action that you can show. Nobody's head over heels in love with their partner all the time, so that commitment has to mean something. That what you've built together matters to you.

But maybe in his mind, since you're not married, he doesn't have an obligation to do that and can treat you how he likes, because you're not really committed. Frankly, if someone doesn't show an ability to do that during a relationship, it doesn't bode well for a marriage either, so count your lucky stars you're not legally bound to him and can leave him whenever you want.

5 years is a long time, but ask yourself, do you want to be on this emotional roller coaster for another 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? The rest of your life? How much more time will you waste on him because you were afraid of "wasting" 5 years?

Cupid
05-07-2012, 04:29 PM
If you're looking for "validation" from us, and it doesn't look like anyone is going to, I will give you this: Give yourself a deadline, say 30 days, and don't tell him about the deadline. See how he treats you, see if he still "sees" only your faults, and after the 30 days, YOU decide if you want to continue the relationship. If there is any doubt, END it. That way, you are in control for the next 30 days, unless he really screws up and ends it before then, which I hope doesn't happen.