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Kasey
05-07-2012, 10:01 PM
Pavla, I'm going to agree with pretty much everyone in this thread. You deserve better than someone like this; someone who disrespects you, then tries to make YOU feel deficient and that's why he's an ass. Nope, sorry hon. You are a beautiful, bright and very decent individual, and if all he's doing is seeing the negative qualities of yours, then he's working VERY hard to find them and ignore your positive ones; and someone who is putting that much effort into treating you with disrespect and disdain, WHY do you want to be with him?

I know that you say you love him, and in your own way, maybe you do, or maybe like some people have said, you are just kind of hooked on him or feeling you need him for some reason instead. But the fact is, he has shown, in the past and present, that he doesn't love YOU. And really, to me, that's all the information that is required; because you are far too good to be wasting your time on someone like that.

genevieve
05-07-2012, 10:40 PM
If this were a letter in to Savage Love, I know just what he'd say:

DTMFA (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DTMFA)

Colleen
05-07-2012, 10:50 PM
HI,

I hardly ever post here but I had to this time because I've been through the same thing. And my advice - walk away. No third/fourth/fifth chances. A guy who cheats is a guy who cheats - you won't change that any more than you can change a zebra into a horse no matter how much you love him or try to please him. You'll just drive yourself crazy trying and be crushed when he cheats again.

Find someone else - even though you think it's impossible. Keep busy and forget about him. Right now he completely has the upper hand and knows that you'll be there whenever he wants you to be there.

And take comfort in knowing you're not the only person in your position.

Cheylana
05-07-2012, 11:04 PM
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sucks. RUN, don't walk. Men speak with their actions, and he has basically told you that he doesn't give a stuff about you. So why should you give a stuff about him???

Don't wait for him to use up more years of your life, or drain you of your emotional well-being, or even to give you an STD or worse before you see the light. Run, don't walk, now!

mkats
05-07-2012, 11:38 PM
...If there is any doubt, END it. That way, you are in control for the next 30 days, unless he really screws up and ends it before then, which I hope doesn't happen.

This recently happened to a friend of mine. Stuck with the repeat cheater against everyone's advice for SEVEN years, only to be dumped via text message: "I met someone better than you." She's kicking herself for wasting seven years... her friends are just glad she got out, however badly it ended, before they got married, as she expected they would.

Best of luck to you, Pavla.

jl22aries
05-08-2012, 12:43 AM
I am going to suggest something different from the other posters. Not that I disagree with what they are saying, but Pavla2304, it sounds like he means a great deal to you in spite of his flaws. So here's my suggestion...

And rest of post...

This is a very interesting alternative to the popular opinion. I fully support any chance to improve on communication and to work towards an adult, mutually respecting relationship.

But I think Pavla needs to work on a lot of internal issues before she can have a running chance at a healthy relationship where she respects herself, respects her expectations for love, and receives respect. Pavla, your entire post was filled with redflags and spoke of a completely dysfunctional relationship, that might be salvaged if both parties devoted themselves to longterm work on communication. But the one sentence that did it for me was your mention of what you could do to make him love you again. And that was preceded by a paragraph that seem to show the dynamic you two have at the moment: you working for his love, feeling not good enough for his love, wondering why he doesn't love you the same as he did before, and allowing yourself to have become completely eclipsed by his opinion of you. This dynamic is so destructive Pavla! Believe in your own courage, you can be brave and stand on your own two feet. For a while at least, learn how to be strong on your own, and to develop self belief that does not hinge on a man's opinion of you.

This might be harsh, but I so wholeheartedly believe that it takes two to create the situation. Abusive relationships require a volunteer. So don't be that volunteer. I know this is egregiously generalized. But bottom line is that the only person you can really change in any interpersonal conflict is yourself. So if you are in a pattern of destructive relationships with men, examine what it is about yourself that enables these abusive relationships to thrive in the first place. And once again, give yourself time to learn how to be on your own, and to develop and reaffirm your bravery, strength, and character.

kwanfan1818
05-08-2012, 06:34 AM
Many people have trouble expressing their true wants honestly, if they think it will upset someone.
In this case, I think he's being dishonest because he knows or suspects that honesty will get him nowhere fast, and he'd rather eat his cake and have it, too.

In general, though, people have a hard time expressing their needs when they are not mainstream, like having multiple relationships, be they intimate, flings, or a combination of both. Many will cheat rather than take the immediate risk. People who have borderline to full-blown kinks often are afraid to bring this up with their SO's for fear of rejection and for fear that it will break up the relationship, if they feel they can't live without it and getting it elsewhere is not an option. I know men and women who had abusive or assholish boyfriends and husbands, because they didn't realize that there were men who would top them in bed in ways I'd rather not think about, but be kind and reasonable in day-to-day living, and each has eventually found one after a long and painful process.


If this were a letter in to Savage Love, I know just what he'd say:

DTMFA (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DTMFA)
I think that would be his entire answer.

Pavla2304
05-08-2012, 07:25 AM
Thank you very much for your opinions and words... It is always very helpful to get the views from "not so interested" people.

I know, that I am stupid, that I forgave him for the 2nd time. He told me that he is not changing messages with other girls etc., held my hand and asked me to make a line behind it...

We decided to "test" our reunited relationship till summer. Then we will sit together and talk about the future. Well, I can accept if him, or me find out that it has no future and we will break up. But I do not want someone 3rd to be between us. So if I find out that he is messanging with some other girls on internet or he even meets other girls in pubs I will leave with it, he truly does not deserve me... I do not plan to controll him, follow him on every step or so. If I have even little suspicion, I will leave him.

I am already decided, that this chance is really the last one and I told him honestly about it, that I do not want to be hurt again, that he is not the only guy on the Earth and if he betrays me again - i can find a better man, who will love me as I am, who will want to marry me and have kids with me. And that he sees me never again then.

A good question is "why do i want to save our relationship?" Because that 5 years were truly amazing, because we were soulmates. You know, I just want to know that I did everything to rescue it. And if it does not work then I will have atleast the feeling that I did everything I could. That I did not give up so easily.

genevieve
05-08-2012, 07:27 AM
DTMFA

anything else is prolonging the inevitable.

Anita18
05-08-2012, 07:50 AM
Thank you very much for your opinions and words... It is always very helpful to get the views from "not so interested" people.

I know, that I am stupid, that I forgave him for the 2nd time. He told me that he is not changing messages with other girls etc., held my hand and asked me to make a line behind it...

We decided to "test" our reunited relationship till summer. Then we will sit together and talk about the future. Well, I can accept if him, or me find out that it has no future and we will break up. But I do not want someone 3rd to be between us. So if I find out that he is messanging with some other girls on internet or he even meets other girls in pubs I will leave with it, he truly does not deserve me... I do not plan to controll him, follow him on every step or so. If I have even little suspicion, I will leave him.

I am already decided, that this chance is really the last one and I told him honestly about it, that I do not want to be hurt again, that he is not the only guy on the Earth and if he betrays me again - i can find a better man, who will love me as I am, who will want to marry me and have kids with me. And that he sees me never again then.

A good question is "why do i want to save our relationship?" Because that 5 years were truly amazing, because we were soulmates. You know, I just want to know that I did everything to rescue it. And if it does not work then I will have atleast the feeling that I did everything I could. That I did not give up so easily.
You sound like you've got a plan. Save this post somewhere and read it every once a while, to remind yourself what you promised. It's much harder to stick to a plan when you're in the thick of things again, but you have to be steadfast. Don't forget!

And people and relationships DO change over time. Feeling like soulmates when you were young doesn't mean all that much when you're older and just different. The difference is if you're open-minded enough to have continued mutual respect and support for each other. If you don't, the relationship is just over and there's no trying to save it. There's no use in thinking that you gave up easily if the person you're leaving just isn't the same person you fell in love with.

Angelskates
05-08-2012, 08:51 AM
Because that 5 years were truly amazing, because we were soul mates.

The relationship wasn't so amazing for him, otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to cheat. Now, it's not amazing for him either, because he's still on the lookout. Soul mates don't do that.

It's not your fault the relationship wasn't amazing for him, but the fact is, people who think their relationship is amazing, don't look elsewhere.

I agree with whoever said that you feel like you need him for some reason. You're clinging to something that no longer exists.

cruisin
05-08-2012, 01:44 PM
I know, that I am stupid,

This bothers me. YOU ARE NOT STUPID! You made a possibly poor decision based on emotion. That is not stupid, it's human. But, Angelskates makes a good point. Soul mates don't cheat on each other. Either the relationship was not as amazing for him, which led him to look for something he wanted, elsewhere. Or, he is just a cheater, who will cheat on anyone. Including his "soul mate". Either way, he's a $hit! You deserve better, from a partner and from yourself.

Southpaw
05-08-2012, 04:41 PM
John and Yoko were "soulmates" and he cheated on her. Don't believe the hype about "soulmates." People are people.

genevieve
05-08-2012, 04:42 PM
The relationship wasn't so amazing for him, otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to cheat. Now, it's not amazing for him either, because he's still on the lookout. Soul mates don't do that.

It's not your fault the relationship wasn't amazing for him, but the fact is, people who think their relationship is amazing, don't look elsewhere.
Plenty of people think a relationship where they can continually stray and the other person will keep taking them back IS amazing. Dude's got it pretty good.