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hydro
05-07-2012, 04:32 PM
I will echo everyone else's sentimements -- leave him. You have needs that he cannot/will not ever/does not wish to meet. That's not a bad thing to have those needs from a relationship. Own that.

It sounds like he likes the beginning of things and doesn't like relationships when they get more meaningful and challenging. That is something that he will need to work on, and it's not your responsibility to teach him.

A bad relationship can be difficult to get over, but it will pass eventually. You sound clear about what you want, and that is a huge first step.

nubka
05-07-2012, 04:36 PM
If you're looking for "validation" from us, and it doesn't look like anyone is going to, I will give you this: Give yourself a deadline, say 30 days, and don't tell him about the deadline. See how he treats you, see if he still "sees" only your faults, and after the 30 days, YOU decide if you want to continue the relationship. If there is any doubt, END it. That way, you are in control for the next 30 days, unless he really screws up and ends it before then, which I hope doesn't happen.

Word!!

cruisin
05-07-2012, 06:39 PM
You have gotten excellent advice here. He will not change and you cannot fix him. Whatever you had, is probably gone. Really look back on those 5 years and ask yourself if there was ever the level of respect you deserve. Are you sure he didn't cheat on you before the time you caught him?

You deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and respect. Don't settle. I know it's hard to start over, and you wonder if you'll ever feel, again, the way you did for him. I promise you, you will. Only it will be better!

JILEN
05-07-2012, 07:28 PM
You deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and respect. Don't settle. I know it's hard to start over, and you wonder if you'll ever feel, again, the way you did for him. I promise you, you will. Only it will be better!

Good advice...

It wont be easy though!


Breaking away from a relationship wont be easy. It'Il hurt for a long, long while. Months, years (others never recover), five years invested in a relationship is a long time afterall. When the pain becomes unbearable you'll blame yourself believe me I know, if only you coulda stayed and worked it out, oh he wasn't that bad you tell yourself, I just can't go on without him, your house and things around you, the songs, everything will remind you of him. But sometimes you just know when it's over and it's time to walk away.

Anyways, I cried real hard over mine but somehow realized it wasn't him I was crying over at all really. Sometimes it's just suck not be loved and wanted. You just need to rediscover yourself and the right person worthy of your love would come along. Remember that you can only experience joy to the extent that you experience sorrow. You'll be singing "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" for a while but will move on to singing "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger":(..... ((()))) from me..

PeterG
05-07-2012, 07:49 PM
I am going to suggest something different from the other posters. Not that I disagree with what they are saying, but Pavla2304, it sounds like he means a great deal to you in spite of his flaws. So here's my suggestion...

Figure out your best way to communicate to him all of your wants and needs. At the same time, ask him to do the same with you. This way, you will both have a much clearer picture of what you want your relationship to be...and if you are a match.

One of my previous co-workers, who I liked very much, was dating a guy for a year until she brought up the issue of children in a serious conversation. He basically said that he couldn't see himself having kids. My co-worker definitely wanted to have children. So the relationship was about to end. In my head, I was thinking, "why did you take a year to bring up something so important to you"? The reason is because we have a connection to this person and we don't want to lose that. So somehow we bury various needs so as to not lose what we've got. But when we do this, we are not only wasting our time, but that of the other person as well. Pavla2304, if you care about him deeply, maybe you are wasting his time because he wants "to have his cake and eat it to"? Maybe the most loving thing you could do for him is to let him go?

As for clarification what both of you want out of a relationship, I read about an interesting exercise a while back. It suggested that each of you write a list of anything and everything you want from the other person. (This exercise could be used in any type of relationship.) You then give the other person you list. With this list, you separate each item into one of three categories:

1. Yes, I can give this to you, no problem, it will be a joy for me to do so!
2. Maybe. Not sure if I can provide this, but I will think about it and try.
3. NO WAY. Never! I am not going to be able to give this to you, will not try and will not even consider it.

Now you both have a clear idea about what each of you wants, and what each of you wants to give in return. And are there things in the second and third category that you can get from friends and family instead of your partner? Is it okay with your partner to get those needs met from other people?

I think the key issue is communication. Saying what you want and having the other person communicate back to you that they can give you what you want. Are your wants and needs similar enough to have a successful relationship? Or are there too many things you both want which the other person can't or won't provide?

Good luck to you, Pavla2304! Keep in mind that if he ends up not being the one for you, he will have played a role in you moving towards finding someone who *is* suitable for you. :)

cruisin
05-07-2012, 07:51 PM
I think we all have to go through losing a love. It is painful. But it would, ultimately, be more painful to stay in an unbalanced relationship. Passion often changes. If we are not friends with and if we do not respect our partners, it will not be a happy one.

agalisgv
05-07-2012, 08:01 PM
Are you sure he didn't cheat on you before the time you caught him? I would bet everything I have he's cheated on her multiple times.

I do hope you get a physical because he may have passed things on to you.

WRT the internet flirting--it isn't flirting. He's looking for someone to have relationship/sex with that isn't in your circle and you couldn't easily track down.

The question I have is how were the finances dealt with while you were together? Did you move into his place, or did he move in with you? Who paid for your dates? Did you ever help him out with money? Help him out professionally?

The second question is are you sleeping with him again?

Hate to say it, but those are generally the two prime motivations for a man to say he wants to get back together with someone. Sadly, the woman often falls for it.

Patsy
05-07-2012, 08:10 PM
You deserve sooooo much better.

rjblue
05-07-2012, 08:16 PM
, but I still love him very much...

No you don't love him. Love is for someone we admire, respect, and trust.

You NEED him for some reason. Scared to be alone? Feeling unworthy of a good person? Afraid of change? Try and figure out what exactly it is in yourself that is making you feel like you want him.

You chose a bad guy. Trying to change yourself won't make him a good guy. And you need to love yourself enough to not have a relationship with such a harmful person.

Andrushka
05-07-2012, 08:35 PM
I know you're hurting but I'm going to be blunt...and this is from personal experience.
You can't make someone behave appropriately,you can't make them be nice,you can't make them see what they don't want to see.And quite honestly,except in rare cases...once a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater. He just showed you that he has not changed.See the red flag,accept it and move on. If he doesn't change,it's his problem,not yours. It will hurt,but you will survive.I know,I've been there. If you do something,stick to it.Because guys like that,if you cave and take them back over and over.They'll just keep on because there are no consequences.

michiruwater
05-07-2012, 08:39 PM
In every single relationship I have ever been witness to where one partner cheated, that same partner continued to cheat after he/she promised they wouldn't. No exceptions. Once a cheater, always a cheater is one of the truest aphorisms I'm aware of. Don't compromise yourself out of fear of being alone. You deserve so much better than what he's willing to give.

kwanfan1818
05-07-2012, 08:49 PM
He's offering you a casual relationship from his side on his terms. He's telling you who he is and what he wants, and it's usually a good idea to believe him, and to assume that he's not planning to change.

If that's what you want, keep him. If not, DTMFA.

Anita18
05-07-2012, 09:17 PM
No you don't love him. Love is for someone we admire, respect, and trust.

You NEED him for some reason. Scared to be alone? Feeling unworthy of a good person? Afraid of change? Try and figure out what exactly it is in yourself that is making you feel like you want him.

You chose a bad guy. Trying to change yourself won't make him a good guy. And you need to love yourself enough to not have a relationship with such a harmful person.
I will be fair to both parties and say that he's not a good guy...for her. Some people can be really terrible in some relationships but notsomuch in others. Maybe in the future, he'll find himself in a completely open relationship and both parties will be perfectly happy. But it won't be with Pavla2304, because she wants something different.

Pavla, you WILL love again. But first you have to acknowledge that you have to let him go, for your own happiness and for his. Love isn't about worrying you'll be alone and hoping that he still wants you. That isn't love, that's obsession and need and infatuation. Love is those warm and fuzzy feelings when you know that someone will always have your back and support you. It doesn't sound like that exists anymore, for whatever reason.

Andrushka
05-07-2012, 09:47 PM
[QUOTE]I will be fair to both parties and say that he's not a good guy...for her. Some people can be really terrible in some relationships but notsomuch in others. Maybe in the future, he'll find himself in a completely open relationship and both parties will be perfectly happy. But it won't be with Pavla2304, because she wants something different.

I have to disagree...he is not a good guy.period. For her or anyone else. If he had openly expressed to her at the beginning of their relationship that he desired a open relationship,then that would be different. However,he lied. Deceit is not a desired characteristic in any partner,in any type of relationship.Hence making him the bad guy in this situation. Be that fair or unfair,oh well.Life isn't fair.


Love is those warm and fuzzy feelings when you know that someone will always have your back and support you. It doesn't sound like that exists anymore, for whatever reason.

Also...love in the long run isn't the warm fuzzies. In the beginning...the honeymoon phase...yeah.But in a real world with real people,love is a choice not warm fuzzies.It's mutual respect and admiration for that person and a willingness and desire to work with that person to resolve whatever difficulties you may have. Sometimes you may have warm fuzzies but it's definitely not the predominate thing,especially when they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor and you trip over them in the middle of the night.

I do agree that when you love someone and they love you,you should know that they support you and have your back.

Anita18
05-07-2012, 09:59 PM
I have to disagree...he is not a good guy.period. For her or anyone else. If he had openly expressed to her at the beginning of their relationship that he desired a open relationship,then that would be different. However,he lied. Deceit is not a desired characteristic in any partner,in any type of relationship.Hence making him the bad guy in this situation. Be that fair or unfair,oh well.Life isn't fair.
It's actually pretty likely that he's just as confused and conflicted as she is. Many people have trouble expressing their true wants honestly, if they think it will upset someone. Maybe part of him really does want things to be the way they were, but he's not mature enough to acknowledge that that can never happen, and he isn't mature enough to see that he's disrespecting and blaming her. It doesn't make him a bad person full-stop, just bad in this particular relationship. It's the same with a friend of mine - she and her husband are just wrong for each other, and have so much baggage that the relationship is unrepairable. But I see him with the kids and he obviously loves his kids to bits. He's not a bad father, or person. Just a bad husband to her, and IMO they're better off without each other.

It's really hard to say what's truly going on, especially if we're only getting one side of the story. Either way, the only solution is for them to separate for good and to find greener pastures elsewhere. The details don't really matter much.


Also...love in the long run isn't the warm fuzzies. In the beginning...the honeymoon phase...yeah.But in a real world with real people,love is a choice not warm fuzzies.It's mutual respect and admiration for that person and a willingness and desire to work with that person to resolve whatever difficulties you may have. Sometimes you may have warm fuzzies but it's definitely not the predominate thing,especially when they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor and you trip over them in the middle of the night.

I do agree that when you love someone and they love you,you should know that they support you and have your back.
Isn't that what I said a commitment to love each other was earlier? :lol: When you make a commitment to someone long-term, you're vowing to support each other no matter what. That's an unconditional kind of love. And I don't know about you, but I get the same warm fuzzies thinking about my family (as exasperating as they can be) as I do with my fiance. He's part of my family now, and they're in my corner for the long run. Sometimes you wonder why you stand them, sure, (like in your example), but that doesn't mean that that feeling of security isn't there.