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Ice Queen
09-22-2011, 03:29 PM
I recently broke up with my live in boyfriend of 6 yrs. Going to take some time for myself for awhile. Then I would like to try a dating site, when I feel ready. However, I have serious trust issues and would like some advice.

I would like to know how you check out someones background? What is the safest approach to meeting a new guy? For instance, I feel it best to meet them in a public place vs having them know where I live.

I am in my early 50's, was previously married and have no kids. Every guy I ever dated, turned into a boyfriend. This time, I want to meet guys and become friends first.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

azskatefan
09-22-2011, 03:50 PM
It is difficult to do a real background check without some personal information, which no stranger (in their right mind) would give to you. I found it helpful to look up potential dates on Facebook (on eHarmony, you receive the first name, last initial and location of suitors so it can lead to you finding them on Facebook) and then Google them. A lot of professionals are also on LinkedIn.

Yes, always meet people in a public place, and that does not apply just to people you meet on dating sites. Most reasonable men will understand that you don't want them at your home without knowing them, no matter where you meet them (online or daily life). If you tend to be a worrier, maybe do not take them to a place that you frequent often so if it doesn't work out, they don't have an inkling of where to find you (for example, instead of going to your favorite Starbucks that you're at every morning, go to another Starbucks down the street).

When I started dating my now boyfriend of almost a year (who I met on eHarmony), we met at a coffee shop on my side of town. It wasn't a place that I went to a long time so if he turned out to be a nut, I didn't need to cut out a favorite spot. It was unintentional but he lived north of the spot and I lived south, so we turned different ways out of the parking lot, which helped (although I had no fears of him stalking me or anything). I met him at his apartment for the second date and I remember giving my close friend the address as well as the information I knew on him just in case (better safe than sorry). Make sure someone knows where you are and who you're with.

I don't think you need to be extremely paranoid about online dating, because that won't be helpful in your ability to find friends/love, but you do need to be cautious and trust your gut.

FiveRinger
09-22-2011, 07:39 PM
Be careful.....I have a girlfriend who met a guy and he scammed her out of a bunch of money. She's basically financially ruined from it. Horrible story, but he was foreign. He kept telling her he was coming stateside and never did. Eventually she found out that he used the name of someone who lived here and put someone else's picture on the dating site.

Disclaimer: There's nothing wrong with foreign dating, if you know what you're doing.

My sister met a foreign guy who now lives in the states and it worked out well for her....they've been together for a while now.

milanessa
09-22-2011, 07:53 PM
For some money - there are numerous sites that do searches for you. You can pay a few bucks for an individual search or sign up for a monthly or annual subscription and do unlimited searches. I've never used one but as I understand it they provide you with info from all public records including criminal checks.

michiruwater
09-22-2011, 11:11 PM
Always meet in a public place, always have a friend text you 20 minutes in so you have an 'out' if you need one, and even if you don't do that, make sure at least one friend knows precisely where you will be and when you should be home to call them.

MacMadame
09-22-2011, 11:13 PM
This time, I want to meet guys and become friends first.

In that case, I don't recommend dating sites. Guys are one there for two reasons... to get laid and to become boyfriends. If that's not what you want...

If you want to make friends, I recommend services that organize events for singles without dating as the objective. They do things like organize hikes, trips to the theater, etc. You pick activities you enjoy and you meet people who also enjoy them and then you see what happens.

I think one such group is called Meetup if you want to Google them.

deltask8er
09-23-2011, 12:17 AM
www.true.com is the only site I know about that does criminal background checks


TRUE.comŽ is the only online dating service and relationship site that conducts criminal background screenings in the U.S. and Single Certification. Sign up today and make a single dating connection!

The checking of marriage licenses seems only half helpful, though, with so many unmarried couples living together, I would imagine.

PRlady
09-23-2011, 12:34 AM
I belong to three meetup.com groups and also date on match.com, off and on. The first is good for relaxed activities -- in my case hiking and rock concerts & clubs -- and the second, yes, men are looking for partners. And I'm also in my fifties.

I've met very few awful guys, but I think I'm a good and picky screener. In most cases the guy was perfectly nice and there was no chemistry, in a few cases it was someone worth seeing a few times and in two cases relationships that lasted a few months.

But I've learned an awful lot about the real causes of the financial crisis, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, various aspects of the federal bureaucracy and international development issues. :P Of course, I live in DC and what men do here is...all that stuff.

Anita18
09-23-2011, 05:09 AM
In that case, I don't recommend dating sites. Guys are one there for two reasons... to get laid and to become boyfriends. If that's not what you want...

If you want to make friends, I recommend services that organize events for singles without dating as the objective. They do things like organize hikes, trips to the theater, etc. You pick activities you enjoy and you meet people who also enjoy them and then you see what happens.

I think one such group is called Meetup if you want to Google them.
Seriously. :lol: That's why I liked online dating sites, you know for sure that someone's meeting you to date you. I hated the "does he like me or not?" games. :mad:

Definitely meet in a public place, and if you want to be friends first, I highly recommend attending a class or other general group activity. Meeting a person one-on-one automatically grants a degree of intimacy that may send the wrong signals...

And one good thing about online dating, is that you can weed out the creeps first in the chat phase before you meet them in person. I was entertained by stories from my HS friend being hit on by creepy older men with kids closer to her age at an electrical engineering conference. She was pretty much one of like, 5 women there...:scream:

Ice Queen
09-23-2011, 11:06 AM
Thank you for the advice, it's given me alot to think about. The thought of going out with a stranger scares me to death!! I used to be such a trusting person, but issues with my ex changed all of that. In a way, I guess that's a good thing, as I needed to realize there are crazies out there.

For now, I will just take time for myself to enjoy life. And not worry about meeting someone new.

deltask8er
09-23-2011, 06:28 PM
And it's not just meeting someone in a public place, if he encourages you to go somewhere private with him during the first meeting (especially in a vehicle!), why take that chance?

I get discouraged with sites when I have men who write that their subscription is about to expire, so he instructs me to contact him directly at his e-mail address. Uh, no. If he is that genuinely interested in me and telling the truth, he can easily extend his subscription in order to get to know me.


Be careful.....I have a girlfriend who met a guy and he scammed her out of a bunch of money. She's basically financially ruined from it. Horrible story, but he was foreign. He kept telling her he was coming stateside and never did. Eventually she found out that he used the name of someone who lived here and put someone else's picture on the dating site.

I recently exchanged a few messages with a man who claimed to be a 51-year-old widow with a 5-year-old son. The photo was of an attractive man, his English was a bit off, but he claimed he is originally from France. After he sent me an e-mail explaining that he needed $400 because his son needs emergency surgery, I originally replied "Oh no! I will pray for your and your son!". He replied thanks for the prayers, but "you will help me, right? please don't take offense!". I replied "I am offended because this is probably a scam. Au revoir." And I blocked the profile soonafter. Chances are that photo had nothing to do with the person typing the messages.

FiveRinger
09-23-2011, 06:48 PM
And it's not just meeting someone in a public place, if he encourages you to go somewhere private with him during the first meeting (especially in a vehicle!), why take that chance?

I get discouraged with sites when I have men who write that their subscription is about to expire, so he instructs me to contact him directly at his e-mail address. Uh, no. If he is that genuinely interested in me and telling the truth, he can easily extend his subscription in order to get to know me.



I recently exchanged a few messages with a man who claimed to be a 51-year-old widow with a 5-year-old son. The photo was of an attractive man, his English was a bit off, but he claimed he is originally from France. After he sent me an e-mail explaining that he needed $400 because his son needs emergency surgery, I originally replied "Oh no! I will pray for your and your son!". He replied thanks for the prayers, but "you will help me, right? please don't take offense!". I replied "I am offended because this is probably a scam. Au revoir." And I blocked the profile soonafter. Chances are that photo had nothing to do with the person typing the messages.

Yes, unfortunately there are a lot of those stories. This guy was British....she didn't confess any of this until after the damage was done. She said that one of the things he kept saying was that he was going to "come home" to her.....home was the other side of the world.

He claimed to be a widower also but he asked for money because his was tied up in business transactions. Crazy, right......

Anyway, its terrible that that had to be such an expensive lesson. Then she kept sending him money trying to get her money back. :scream:

My theory about online dating basically boils down to using plain old common sense. Most things that are too good to be believed usually are......don't go anywhere with anybody unless someone knows where you're going.......do not be sending anybody money, paying bills, plane tickets, and all of that craziness......follow most of the same rules that you would had you met this person at the cleaners or the gym.

azskatefan
09-23-2011, 08:59 PM
While there are people who have been asked for money, I have never been asked for money by anyone that I've dated online. Although, I did just ask my boyfriend if he wanted to pay my most recent speeding ticket so maybe I'm that person. ;) (He said "No" -- it was worth a shot though. I'll ask my dad next! Haha)

Ice Queen
10-18-2011, 04:37 PM
Update: I put a profile on match.com as you could do this for free, as well as search for free. I stated that I was looking for a guy to hang out with as friends first, and then go from there. Out of hundreds of guys I looked at, one really caught my attention. We had alot in common, and I really wanted to meet this guy. I got 3 free days if I joined match. I did, and had about a dozen emails from guys. I was not interested in any of them. But, the guy I liked winked at me so we shared a few emails. However, the last email totally turned me off. He said I believe you can tell alot from a person, by the underwear that they wear, so what do you wear?

BTW, he did give me his place of employment and his last name. I did not ask for it, but had planned to do a background check before I met him.

I am a very conservative lady, and I found this question very inappropriate. So, I am going to forget this guy. And I cancelled my membership, as the guys on there were just not my type.

I still see my ex boyfriend, and we are trying to remain friends. I still love him, and besides living together I worked with him. So, all of these changes have been difficult.

genevieve
10-18-2011, 05:20 PM
I'm not conservative at all, and I found that question inappropriate too :lol: Good riddance to him!