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cris_c
07-13-2011, 05:06 PM
... a most beautiful angel, surrounded by divine light."Em I ded and gone to heven? Mon Dieu!" Florent thought. "I em too yong to die! Not ountil I get my Olympic medal and kick Brian's azz". However, the angel looked so beautiful and peaceful, that Florent started hearing the divine music of the spheres (AKA "You are not alone") and prepaired himself for the great journey beyond. He had forgotten all the pain, all his anger against Mme Joubert, all his very mixed feelings towards Nicky. But just as his heart filled with serenity, a voice broke the peace abruptly. Initially, Florent could not realise just WHAT was wrong. It took him more than a quadruple salchow rotation time to figure it out. Suddenly, he could understand Russian. Because what he heard was (spoken in Russian, of course) "What are you doing here, Elena? I told you never to come to the motel!". And suddenly, Florent's ethereal world broke up, as he realised the divine light was the neon lamp in Nicky's room and the angel still looked like an angel, but was no other than... you guessed right. Elena Ilynikh! And suddenly, everything came back to him. He now understood the horrendous conspiration he had uncovered. Because deep within Morozov camp a dark secret haunted everyone. Something so gloomy, so utterly unimaginable, that the whole world of figure skating would be thrown apart, if found out. And beyond the pain in his leg, beyond Nicky's sleezy hand touch, a thought dawned upon him. If he lived, he would fight the evil, he would dance it, spin it, step-sequence, +3 GOE it to death! But he could not do it alone. And with the speed of a Russian "до свидания", he knew, at that very moment who could help his crusade. None other than...

snoopysnake
07-14-2011, 12:13 AM
Stephane Lambiel. After all, he spoke French, but was Swiss so would have no preconceived Joubert loyalties. Maybe Miki could help convince Steph to teach artistry to both Miki and himself, reinforcing Steph's reputation all the more. If only FloMoDo didn't have to worry about Patrick Chan. And with Shae-Lynn (ta-da!) being a loyal Canadian as well as ex-Morowife, she'd be in the Chan corner all the way. Unless....

Marge_Simpson
07-14-2011, 12:51 AM
.....Florent was still hallucinating from the pain in his knee.
Mon dieu! He could not help whimpering, even if it made him look like a wuss. His knee hurt and he was having visions of angels and Ilynich and Stephane and goodness knows what. He had to get a grip on himself and figure out what had happened.
One second, he, Florent (who had bested Joubert at Worlds, he couldn't let himself forget THAT!) was in a sleazy flea-ridden motel, looking for that sleazy, god-knows-what-ridden Nicki. Then someone had whacked his knee. He had caught a glimpse of that awful cow, Mama Joubert, before he'd doubled over in pain.
Then Nicki had carried him somewhere, while he moaned and groaned and hallucinated.
Florent was able to see straight now, and told himself to focus. At once! If he did not clear his head, he would never get the chance to beat Joubert again, or get revenge on his bossy maman. Or take care of the business he had come to Moscow to do!
Florent looked up to see someone wrapping his knee. It was...........

Marge_Simpson
07-16-2011, 08:41 AM
....Brian Joubert!
"You!" shrieked Florent. "Take your hands off me, traitre! You are degoutant, a beast! You and your fat maman!"
"Mais non!" replied Brain. "Be quiet, I feex your knee."
"Menteur! You lie! You and your maman try to kill me. You are jaloux because I score higher than you! I am hot and you are not!"
"Idiot! My maman whack the wrong person!. Now stand up and see how your knee feel."
Florent got to his feet, glaring at Joubert. His knee felt much better, but he was not going to act grateful to him. Jamais! Joubert was a dirtbag and his maman belonged in jail. A sleazy, filthy jail with sadistic guards. Ha!
"See, eez better," said Brian.
Florent glared some more. "Where eez Nicki?"
"He say something about call-girl and run off," said Brian. "Tant pis!"
"I still theenk you are big liar!" sneered Florent. "If your maman do not mean to whack me, who she meant to whack?"
"I cannot tell....eez big secret!"
"You tell me now....or I tell everyone you sleep with Nicki."
Brian shuddered with revulsion. "No, please! I tell you. She mean to whack.........

snoopysnake
07-16-2011, 01:47 PM
Speedy," whispered Bronziebeej (see the 2009 story in the archives for the history of this nickname for Brian Joubert.)

"Cinquanta? Pourquois?" replied Flomodo.

"Mama's eyes, they ees all out of whack. Mama refuse to wear her lunettes. She see, vision deestorted. Theenks fat skeeny, skeeny fat. Theenks Speedy you, you Nicki, Nicki Speedy!"

"Formidable!"

"Good for me, sometimes," admitted Brian J. "I eat all I want, she theenks I am to skeeny, makes me extra pastries. Then when I train and get thin, she theenks I am too fat. Good motivation."

"How does whacking Nicki's knee help you win?"

"Facile! Ees pourquois, because...."

Marge_Simpson
07-17-2011, 12:37 AM
"Stupide!" scoffed Joubert. "Whacking Nicki does not help me to win. Whacking SPEEDY help me to win!"
"But I am still not understanding thees. Speedy is a nice man, very kind. Why does your maman weesh to hurt him?"
"Mon Dieu! I have never met a person so credule, so gullible as you! Speedy is eville, a pain in my ass! And you! You are stupides, an imbecile eef you do not know zees!"
Florent pouted and considered throwing a hissy fit. Why was Brian blathering about his backside? It was true that he had a very fine backside. But how dare Joubert call him ignorant? It was all an act, anyway. Let Nicki and Joubert think he was a naive pretty boy. Ha! He would have the last laugh on both of them. He would never reveal why he'd really come to Moscow. But he refused to say anything bad about Speedy. Speedy was his hero. He was Italian, and Florent adored all things Italian. Sexy cars, yummy pasta, and hot men. Not that Speedy was hot. But Florent could overlook his appearance, as awful as it was. Especially his hair. Did Speedy wear a toupee? He, Florent, thought Speedy looked like he had a dead animal on his head. But never mind, he knew Speedy had his best interests at heart. Bien sur!
"Oui," agreed Florent. "I am not knowing the true story. But are you saying Speedy is here? In Moscow?"
"Not HERE, you cretin!" laughed Joubert. "He is back at the motel, waiting for call girl! Now excusez-moi, I must leave. You must wait here for Nicki, I must find my maman and give her zee tranquilizer!"

All of a sudden the door opened and a voice was heard.
"Not so fast, my French friends," said the voice. "We have some business to attend to!"

The voice belonged to.........

Marge_Simpson
07-20-2011, 01:15 AM
...Speedy, of course.
"Mamma mia! You are both idiota, two stronzos! You think I will not find out what you are up to? You both are pazzo, completeley crazy!" Speedy huffed and puffed at the two shocked skaters.
Florent hardly knew what to say. He worshipped Speedy. Why was Speedy saying such hurtful things about him? He'd done nothing wrong. It was that insane Joubert and his cow of a maman that had caused all the fuss.
Brian was not so easily intimidated. Look at that wuss Florent, trembling all over because that imbecile, Speedy, insulted him. He had more backbone. And more muscles. He itched to smack Speedy's ugly face until he begged for mercy. He would put Speedy in his place, and possibly rip that awful toupee off his head. Oui! It would be the best laugh he'd had in weeks.
"C'est un mensonge, a lie!," he sneered at Speedy. "I have come to Moscow for vacation and eez none of your beezness. You should go back to Italy and buy better toupee!"
"You are disgrace!" roared Speedy. "You and your fat mamma! You plan to whack me, I get revenge! You call yourself a pattinatore? You are a criminale! I don't care how many quad jumps you do, I put you in jail, si!"
Florent stopped trembling and found his (high-pitched) voice. "Mr. Speedy, you are merveilleux!"
Speedy and Brian both sneered at him in unison.
"Mon dieu, you are such a naive bebe!" said Joubert. "I tell you again, thees man is complete merde!"
"Si, you are ignorant bambino," agreed Speedy. "Pazzo!. Now, tell me quickly. You supposed to be in Switzerland with Stephane. Why you here in Russia with this buffone Nicki and this criminale Brian?"

Florent knew he'd have to answer carefully. He could not possibly tell Speedy the truth. But what lie should he tell him?
"Sir, it eez like this," he said. "I come to Moscow to...........


(I wish someone would help me out here. I have no idea what Florent's secret mission in Moscow is, where Nicki and Miki disappeared to, how Brian and his mother knew that Florent would be in the hotel, or what the hell Speedy is doing there. :lol: )

snoopysnake
07-20-2011, 02:36 AM
Suddenly a domineering-looking female joined the scene.

"Ottavio!" she shrieked, in a voice that made Scott Hamilton's sound like Bob Ross's. IRL, snoopysnake adores Scott and the late happy painter, just so you know The voice belonged to the terrifying SKARY BABS! She stared and glared at Speedy with her deathly laser eyes. "This eesa nonnayour beesaness!" She slapped him with the back of her powerful hand. "Now, get OUT!" Speedy did as told; he knew when he was outmatched.

Barbara opened the door and checked carefully for several minutes after Speedy had made his exit, then returned to confer with FloMo, Nicki, and Joubie and Maman.

"Okay, my petittas signors, and Mama di Brianji," she whispered. "Now this is what is going to happen...."

Marge_Simpson
07-20-2011, 09:53 AM
"Une moment!" squealed mama Joubert. "I am not understanding thees. I was at zee sleazy motel and whack zees skinny boy instead of zee Speedy. I come to find ma petite Brian, and now I am seeing you. You are looking scary, I need zee tranquilizer!"
"Da, what goes on here?" demanded Nicki. "I am going to visit call-girl and now Joubert turn up! Then Speedy turn up! Then you, Babs, turn up! You are looking more scary than the last time I see you. I have drank much vodka, must be having hallucination. I think I go to rehab and sober up."
"Oui, you are disgraceful drunk!" sneered Brian. "And zee pervert, too. I see you looking at my backside, oui!"
"You keep talking about your backside, I theenk YOU are zee pervert!" Florent said to Brian. "But I am hot and you are not. Ha!"
"BASTA!" shouted Scary Babs. "Enough! You must all listen to me. We have got rid of Ottavio, now we carry out the plan."
"What is zee plan?" asked Brian.
"Is easy. We go back to sleazy motel and then we...............

Sparks
07-20-2011, 07:45 PM
...Call Dick Button. We will ask him...

Marge_Simpson
07-21-2011, 01:40 AM
...to come to Moscow, rapido! Si!" cackled Scary Babs.
This pronouncement was met with puzzled looks from all of her audience.
"Porquois?" demanded Mama Joubert. "You weesh me to whack him? I can whack him in zee knee, or maybe better to whack him on his head, oui?"
"C'est stupide!" grumbled Brian. "I am not wishing to see zees horrid old man. He is rude, he insult everyone. He say I am washed up. I theenk he have maladie mentale, he belongs in zee hospital!"
"Oui, ridiculous!" agreed Florent in his breathy voice. "I am hearing many stories, this man makes many insults. He say I look like girl! Is insultant! Why must we ask him to come here?"
"What the f*ck?" sputtered Nicki drunkenly. "I am not calling that idiot airbag. He say stupid things. He says I am alcoholic!"
"You ARE an alcoholic!" sneered Brian. "You just say you go to rehab and get sober."
"I have changed my mind. I stay here and sober up. But I am not asking this Button here, nyet!"
"Basta! BASTA!" shrieked Babs. "You are all stupido. Who cares if he is volgare, who cares he is offensivo. Does not matter! We get him here, we make him do what we want. Then we send him to ospedale and he never get out. Si!"
This was met with nods of agreement.
"Da, we do what you say," said Nicki. "Who eez going to call him?"
"Not you", laughed Brian. "You're plastered! And not me! I do not speak zee English!"
"Je ne parle pas l'anglais!" said Mama Joubert.
Everyone turned to look at Florent.
"Mais non!" he squeaked.
"Yes, you!" answered Scary Babs. "You are outnumbered four to one. And we take away your lipstick and mascara if you do not do what we say!" she said menacingly.
Florent thought quickly. This was one scary woman. Was she really a woman, though? He thought she might be a transvestite. Had they sex-tested her when she competed at the OLympics? She was bigger than he was and outweighed him by at least 30 pounds. She had more muscles than him. In fact, if he looked closely, he could see that she had more mustache than him, too!
"Okay, oui," he said, resigned to his fate. "What do I tell him?"
"You call his phone and then you say..........

snoopysnake
07-21-2011, 01:52 AM
Who else shoulda knocka up who."

"You mean whack?" asked Joubert, confused as were the others.

"No, no knocka up witha bambinos and bambinas!" Babs gave him a soft whack on the head. "You, Nicki, you getta Miki preggo witha bambina. You, Jouberti, you knocka up zee French girls anda thata sneaky Carolina Kostner."

"Merde! Jamais! Never!" protested Mme. J.

"I blackamail Margaglio to knocka uppa da Finnish girls. He owes me big time for dropping me in the OD," continued Skary Babs. "We aska Dick Button who should knocka up Yu-Na Kim and the other Japanesa girls. Thenna I all set - become Olympic Ladies Singles Champion for Italia inna Sochi inna 2014!"

"So you vants all competition of ladeez pregnant so you will win ladies singles!" realized Nikolai. "I can help wees zees, I can! I gets you Ksenia and all other Russia girls hazz babeez for you! Zees great! Votta great idea!" He was getting visibly excited over the prospect, and in turn was getting FloMo visibly excited.

"Tiens! What do I do?" demanded FloMo. He hated being ignored, especially when he was so aroused.

"You go backa Brazil. Finda nice melting ice rink and skatea for zem," suggested Mme. Joubert.

"Whya you speaka Italiano accent?" huffed Babs. "Butta good idea. You do zat, Flo-Rent."

"D'accord! C'est bien!" announced Joubert. "Vas-y, Florent! Vite!" Then he frowned. "What about Canadian ladies?"

"What to worry?" asked Nikolai. "Patrick Chan take care of things. Phanoova, pregnant. Joannie, pregnant. Easy."

"I am better at making zee young ladiees pregnant que Patrique Chan!" protested Joubert.

"Brian!" Mme. J. gave him a firm whack on the derriere. FloMo ej$%##8ed.

"What about zee American girls?" asked Brian, rubbing his behind. "Who knocks zem up?"

"Don-a you reada FSU?" scoffed Babs. "They no chance-a. Owna country no believes inna dem. Letta skate."

Marge_Simpson
07-21-2011, 06:28 AM
Florent pouted and sulked all the way back to the No-Tell Motel. He couldn't figure out why they had to make the call from that sleazy, flea-infested place. His mind worked feverishly, trying to figure a way out of this increasingly bizarre situation. He'd pretended to agree with the others, but he thought they'd all gone off the deep end. He could understand why Nicki had agreed. He was an oversexed pervert. And Maman Joubert was certifiable. The cow! He, Florent, thought she belonged in a padded cell. Bien sur! And Brian? Florent had heard rumors about his equipment. Not that he could ever hope to verify this for himself, of course. It was a well-known fact that Brian was in love with himself, he was probably itching to rush out and make little bebe Brians.
Florent shuddered at the thought of getting a woman pregnant. Jamais! He'd sooner sleep with Nicki.
Could he possibly slip away from this crazy posse? Alors, it seemed impossible. Joubert was prodding him in the back to hustle him along, and Scary Babs was giving him her patented Death Glare.
No, it looked like he was stuck. He would make the phone call, then he would whisk himself off to the Grand Hotel Moscow, where, hopefully, he could put his secret plan into action.
All too soon, they were in the lobby, and Babs shoved him into the phone booth.
"Okay, bambino!' she barked at him. "I dial zee number, you tell Dick zee plan! Got it?"
"Oui, oui," he sighed, resigned to his fate.
Just as Babs handed him the phone, someone screamed on the other side of the lobby. What the hell? Florent looked up to see............

Marge_Simpson
07-22-2011, 07:03 PM
....Miki, looking fit to kill!
Merde! thought Florent. This woman could give Scary Babs a run for the money in the death glare department. Should he make a break for it while all eyes were focused on her?
"Nicki!" she screeched in a high-pitched voice. "What you doing here in No-Tell Motel? You say you go out to do laundry, I find you here with these people! What you all doing here together? You all drunk, you all go with call-girl!"
Scary Babs stared her down. "Stupido! Only Nicki is drunk! Are you saying I look like call-girl? I slap your face!"
Mama Joubert chimed in, "How dare you! I do not drink, because I am taking zee tranquilizer! My Brian, he does not go with call-girl! Girls chase him, he does not need to pay. Mais oui!"
"Oui!" agreed Joubert.
"Eez not your beezness!" squeaked Florent.
Everyone looked at Nicki to see how he would respond.
Miki poked him in the chest with a talon-sharp fingernail. "Well? What you have to say for yourself?"
"Um, is like this," Nicki mumbled. "Is all innocent explanation. We all here because of Florent!"
"Moi? You tell lies! Merde!" shouted Florent. The slimebag! What the hell was he up to now?
"Da!" said Nicki. "Is for Florent. We all come here to help him.......

sunnydays
07-23-2011, 03:13 PM
...but anyway...

http://s007.radikal.ru/i300/1105/1e/9d1ab418ec8f.jpg