PDA

View Full Version : You Lack Manners: A mother-in-law's rant



Pages : 1 2 3 4 [5] 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

hydro
07-01-2011, 04:53 PM
I think the reason this is 'news' is it plays into all the stereo-types of British snobbery within the class system which are both uncomfortable, frustrating but somehow fascinating all at the same time.

I agree. I think the whole MIL rant wreaks of class-ism.

manleywoman
07-01-2011, 05:16 PM
So you tell the people in your life who have health conditions when they talk about them to buck up and quit complaining?

I've known people who have used their medical conditions to be the center of attention too. Especialy if it's something completely avoidable.

Example: there's a girl I took a workshop with who had dietary restrictions that she would constantly allude (and I mean CONSTANTLY) to but never discuss when directly asked. We went to restaurants daily since the workshop had no meal plan . . . you HAD to eat out every meal, and we knew that upfront.

Every meal she would ask the waitress two things: if the food was spicy and if there were peanuts in it. That was it. But then every single time the food came she would bitch about it loudly: the dressing should have been on the side, not on top; the cheese can't be this type of cheese, et etc. And every time she yelled at the waitress and sent it back. Every. Single. Time. Finally after four days two of us just told her flat out that if she know she had these restrictions/problems she should be upfront about it with the waitress in the first place rather than just assuming the waitress might get it right and then publically dressing her down (and yes, I mean really making a scene) her when she didn't. And then we never went out to eat with her again.

So yes, there are some times I think it's appropriate to tell people with medical conditions to buck up and stop complaining. I know a lot of people with medical conditions, and some let it consume them and others don't.

Of course, whether or not that happened in this particular case with the MIL/DIL is tough to tell, since we're only getting one side of the story.

Wiery
07-01-2011, 05:22 PM
Oh wow, this marriage is getting off to a fine start, isn't it? :rolleyes:

Gazpacho
07-01-2011, 05:24 PM
Something tells me that there is a bit of 'like Father like Son" going on here. In other words marrying nasty bitches runs in the family. I bet both of these women are assholes that could do with a lesson in manners.I wonder if the daughter in law upped her behavior (in a bad way) as the visit went on and she could sense the mother in law's hostility. So you give me nasty looks and comments when I talk about my diabetes? Perfect, I'll make sure to bring it up to annoy you further. You think I'm awful for sleeping in late while you get up early? I'll make sure to sleep in late then. You insult my family for being poorer? I'll insult your family back.


I don't really think so. If I received an e-mail like this, I would probably be shocked and crying my eyes out over the harshness of it, and I don't think it would be out of the realm of possibility for me, in my insecurity, to forward it to a couple close friends and say, "Am I wrong about thinking this is extreme or did I really deserve this??" I agree. We don't know how widely this was distributed.

Cyn
07-01-2011, 06:50 PM
The whole bit about "waiting until you're offered additional helpings" is an incredibly foreign concept for me. Having been raised in the Deep South, any gathering that involves food has the table loaded with so much stuff that the legs are usually groaning from the weight. It's also not uncommon for the host/hostess to urge everyone to eat more :lol: .

Of course, that may be a part of why obesity is a problem in this part of the country :shuffle:

VIETgrlTerifa
07-01-2011, 06:52 PM
Same thing with the Vietnamese community. Once there's food and it's ready to be served, you eat as much as you want because we always make more than enough. Of course, nobody wants to look like a pig but as my aunt told me "if you're going to be polite, then you're going to starve."

Of course, I learned from them, so every time I host a party or a dinner, I always provide too much food. It's because I'm used to cooking for a large family that I forget that I don't have to feed 9+ people all the time.

I do understand where the MIL is coming from though. When you are being served food, you are playing by their rules and it is rude to criticize portion sizes, etc. However, now that we have a background on the diabetes situation combined with the rest of the email...the MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

CynicElle
07-01-2011, 06:56 PM
I understand "wait until everyone is served before you start eating" as that's what we always did, but I've never heard about "wait to be offered a second helping" either, and I've read Miss Manners and have her book on the shelf.

Anyhow, I think this whole thing has a lot less to do with the bride-to-be's manners and a lot more to do with the mother-in-law thinking she's a gold digger. Whatever points she might have had in the email were completely undone by all the barbs.

FigureSpins
07-01-2011, 06:59 PM
My MIL used to keep an eye on her guests' plates and when she saw them getting a little empty, she would OFFER to serve them seconds.
I'm not always that quick, but I do say "Would you like more () - please help yourself." Then again, I'm american.

I have several family members who have diet-controlled diabetes II and they are on a tight schedule. We were stuck in traffic once and they started Thanksgiving dinner without us, eating all of the appetizers I had prepared/delivered to the host's house the night before. (I was disappointed - they looked really good, if I do say so myself. They said they were delicious.) However, I understand that the shakes and dizziness needs to be addressed right away.

It could be a generational thing: my MIL would RANT about how one of her nephews took Beano gas-prevention medicine before eating a meal. In her mind, he should have waited to see if the food gave him gas. No amount of explaining how the medicine worked stopped her complaints. In my mind, he should have been more discreet in taking the medicine. She must have been insulted that he would expect to get gas from her food, roflol!

Maybe the future DIL was a little nervous and ran off at the mouth about her diabetes and her needs, etc. and the MIL took offense, thinking she was being criticized.

I think the couple should go their separate ways unless the future groom can stand up to Mommy Dearest. There was a report that the MIL is going to attend the wedding in "dignified silence." Too bad she didn't think of that before putting pen to paper. (Okay, fingers to keyboard.)

martian_girl
07-01-2011, 07:01 PM
The best advice for future DIL is to run. This woman despite her alleged refinement is a classless bore.


I pity Freddie as well...

floskate
07-01-2011, 07:03 PM
Interesting. I cannot remember a dinner party where anyone ever just helped themselves to seconds without the host or hostess offering first. Of course if the food's good then pretty much the whole table will go for more, but this is clearly a British thing. I honestly just wouldn't dream of doing it but if I was hosting a dinner party and one of my guests helped themselves, it would raise eyebrows for sure but I can't say I would be mortally offended ;).

Gazpacho
07-01-2011, 07:05 PM
The whole bit about "waiting until you're offered additional helpings" is an incredibly foreign concept for me.


Same thing with the Vietnamese community. "I wonder how the mother in law would have reacted if the groom brought home an American or Vietnamese!

In Chinese culture, food on the table is meant to be eaten, and you help yourself to it. Otherwise you might make the host think you don't like their food.

Even within Britain, I'm sure there are families that follow a similar tradition.

As I said previously, the mother in law acts as if the daughter in law should be soooo grateful to even be entering her house. It seemingly didn't occur to the mother in law that hosts have a responsibility toward their guests too, especially if the guest is your daughter in law.

If my daughter in law were diabetic, rather than chastise her for "declaring what [she] will and will not eat", I'd ask her ahead of time. I doubt the mother in law did this, as she didn't mention it in the email. If she's insistent about everyone waking up early, it's sensible to say to the daughter in law, "Our family eats breakfast at 7am, and it's important for you, as a future family member, to join us."

The mother in law reminds me of a former classmate who thought that good manners was defined by how you dress, hold your fork, and speak. She didn't realize that good manners also includes being considerate and meeting people halfway.

Cyn
07-01-2011, 07:08 PM
The best advice for future DIL is to run. This woman despite her alleged refinement is a classless bore.


I pity Freddie as well...

I have a sneaking suspicion that Freddie is one seriously emasculated male, compliments of an obnoxious, domineering mother.

My sister's BIL is a victim of that, and he married a woman who is just as domineering and bitchy as his mother. To say that their marriage has problems would be a gross understatement.

The DIL to-be needs to run like the wind to get away from this toxic mess.

jeffisjeff
07-01-2011, 07:09 PM
Interesting. I cannot remember a dinner party where anyone ever just helped themselves to seconds without the host or hostess offering first.

But was it a dinner party or a family dinner? I agree about waiting to be offered in the context of a dinner party, but not for family dinners! Same thing goes for waiting for everyone to be served before starting.

VIETgrlTerifa
07-01-2011, 07:11 PM
I wonder how the mother in law would have reacted if the groom brought home an American or Vietnamese!

In Chinese culture, food on the table is meant to be eaten, and you help yourself to it. Otherwise you might make the host think you don't like their food.

Exactly. I know if I was the cook, I'd be devastated if no one wanted to rush for seconds...(and thirds...and fourths...)

floskate
07-01-2011, 07:12 PM
Even within Britain, I'm sure there are families that follow a similar tradition.

As I said previously, the mother in law acts as if the daughter in law should be soooo grateful to even be entering her house. It seemingly didn't occur to the mother in law that hosts have a responsibility toward their guests too, especially if the guest is your daughter in law.



Of course there are families like that and as I said in a previous post, within the family it's normally not an issue. What is very obvious, and I think you've hit the nail on the head, is that the MIL clearly does NOT regard the prospective DIL as family at all and merely a guest to be tolerated at best.