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canbelto
03-11-2011, 01:26 AM
I am so broken up about this I don't know where to turn, except for a message board. Here is the situation: my best friend is a guy I used to work with, who has a girlfriend in Colombia, but lives and works in the U.S. We once had a painful falling out, but about a year ago we reconnected and became friends again and since then we've been besties. When we go out together, we often go see a movie, go to dinner, and afterward sit in a bar or coffee shop and giggle for hours, and he generally pays for everything (he insists). We recently went on a ski trip together. It's all platonic though, he has a long-distance girlfriend so other than hugging and occasionally holding hands and staying up late at night to talk nothing more has happened.

I admit I have a bit of a crush on him, but I've accepted that he has a girlfriend, so I'm content to be his friend, and that's it.

Well about a week ago I told him about a guy on match.com who wanted to date me, and I was a bit hesitant going on a date with someone I didn't know, and asked him for his advice. In the past I've asked him "boy" advice and he's always listened patiently and given me advice. This time he was very curt, and said yeah, sure, why not, give him a chance, can't hurt to go on a blind date. Then he said really testily, "Don't blame me if anything goes wrong, it's your call," and then said he had to go write a paper, and couldn't talk anymore, and we ended the convo.

Since then ... nothing. He hasn't called me, or texted me, or written to me. He's never gone that long without talking to me. Yesterday I text messaged him and he usually responds within seconds, but this time ... nothing. I am so hurt and confused, surely he can't be mad at me for going on match.com dates, since he himself has a girlfriend! I did not mean to make him mad, but I feel like trying to contact him again would make me seem pathetic.

This guy is my best friend in the world, he's the first person I tell anything to, and his friendship is very important to me. He's shown himself to be a good friend to me too, like just a few weeks ago I got REALLY sick and stayed the night at his apartment. I was basically ... crapping and throwing up. Instead of being grossed out, he stayed up with me while I crapped and threw up, let me sleep in his bed (he slept on the couch), and gave me his only blanket (he claimed he didn't need one). When he gave me the blanket he tucked me in like my mom used to, and I thought he was one good friend, a guy who didn't get grossed out by a girl who was throwing up and had the runs.

I'm so sad right now I can barely concentrate on anything. What do you think I should do?:(:(:(

orbitz
03-11-2011, 01:29 AM
Go meet him face to face and ask to discuss what's up. If he shuts the door on your face then at least you made an honest attempt to talk to him.

canbelto
03-11-2011, 01:57 AM
Meet him face to face? How can I do that if he won't even message me on facebook or return my text messages? I don't want to look pathetic.:(
I'm also not used to having to do call him, text him, etc. Usually he does that on his own!

Catherine M
03-11-2011, 02:07 AM
Do you have a mutual friend that can see what's up? It might be that he is getting pressure from the gf not to be so close to you.

genevieve
03-11-2011, 02:10 AM
Haven't you had this issue before?

canbelto
03-11-2011, 02:12 AM
well ... just a couple weeks ago we went skiing together and stayed in a hotel together so I doubt it's the gf in Colombia because if she didn't prevent that, obviously she is okay with the friendship, right?

And if I have a mutual friend, who said that she didn't say anything, but he told me how much fun he had with me on the trip, and how I made him constantly. I asked her about him yesterday and she said that he hasn't mentioned being mad at me in any way. She said she doesn't know what's wrong. :(

eta: yeah we stopped talking before, but that was a long time ago, and ever since we've become best friends again, we honestly haven't argued once, it's very different now. It's really unusual for him to not talk to me for even two days.

milanessa
03-11-2011, 02:24 AM
Could be wrong (standard disclaimer) but it sounds to me like you hope deep down that he's more interested in you than he lets on.

canbelto
03-11-2011, 02:32 AM
Not really. I just want him as a friend right now. He's like the best friend I have, and I have no idea why he'd suddenly stop talking to me like this. I kinda thought all the drama was gone from our relationship, and we were just very good friends.

Satellitegirl
03-11-2011, 02:33 AM
Could be wrong (standard disclaimer) but it sounds to me like you hope deep down that he's more interested in you than he lets on.

She already said she had a crush on him....so yeah I'd say that's obvious. It doesn't mean she's acting on it though.

I think it sounds like he MAY(and this is without knowing his side of things, and not knowing exactly what took place, and just taking your word for it...and I don't know you) have gotten used to you being there all the time, and didn't like the idea of you turning your attention away from him. A cake and eat it too situation. I wouldn't say that indicates he wants a relationship with you...but it might indicate he's being immature and somewhat selfish...just by going on what you've said.

I'd personally ignore it all. If he isn't smart enough to realize he's being unreasonable(which my guess is that he will eventually), then you don't want to waste your time groveling. He's not your bf...and he'll get over it ...or he won't.

milanessa
03-11-2011, 02:35 AM
She already said she had a crush on him....so yeah I'd say that's obvious. It doesn't mean she's acting on it though.



:confused: That's not at all what I said.

Satellitegirl
03-11-2011, 02:38 AM
I usually take someone having a crush on someone else, as them hoping the other person is interested as well.

hydro
03-11-2011, 02:44 AM
It sounds like this is more than a platonic friendship, regardless if there is sex involved or not. And I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is emotionally cheating on his long-distance girlfriend with you. And it also seems like he is a bit manipulative by not returning your calls or messages.

I sympathize, it doesn't sound like a pleasant situation at all.

canbelto
03-11-2011, 02:45 AM
Having a crush, as in finding him cute, =/= acting on it, and throwing myself at him and being clingy and pathetic. I've just gotten used to being his friend, and him not talking to me is what's hurting me. But I'm not going to call him or text him or message him on facebook if that's not what he wants.

And oh, our mutual friend decided to be a busybody and told him to call me. And he hasn't, so obviously ... for some strange reason he's mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me.

Satellitegirl
03-11-2011, 02:47 AM
It sounds like this is more than a platonic friendship, regardless if there is sex involved or not. And I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is emotionally cheating on his long-distance girlfriend with you. And it also seems like he is a bit manipulative by not returning your calls or messages.

I sympathize, it doesn't sound like a pleasant situation at all.

sums it up well.

Matryeshka
03-11-2011, 02:47 AM
You have a crush, small though it may be, your feelings are not entirely platonic. He has a girlfriend. To quote Bartok the Bat, "this can only end in tears."

I realize you probably want us all to say, yes, yes, you can be friends! But no, no, no you can't. At most, you are The Girl in the Jar, meaning he's keeping you around for a rainy day to make himself feel better in between gfs. You might be able to fool yourself for a time, but I know when I was interested in a guy I wasn't sure/thought might be into me, I'd run and tell him I had a date, and "as friends" ask him what he thought. This is a classic see-if-I-can-get-him jealous maneuver. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt with REJECTION emblazoned in big, bold letters.

Take this as a sign that you need a break. If you're *this upset* that he has not communicated with you in a few days that you have to vent on a message board, you need some distance from him YESTERDAY. He has a girlfriend. It's not you. Go out and get yourself a boyfriend, or at least a boy toy, that's not him.