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Norlite
03-11-2011, 02:59 AM
This is the same guy you posted on a couple years ago isn;t it?

He was a user then IIRC, and he's a user now.

Forget about him, move on with your life, find another best friend to hug and hold hands and stay up late with.

Or make up with him and go through this again in another year or two.

genegri
03-11-2011, 03:18 AM
Seriously, this is not a very healthy relationship.

Platonic friendship between straight men and women can happen ... but only when both parties really truly have no interest in one another. Otherwise, it's just too slippery a road.

You and your friend have already crossed quite a few boundaries if you ask me. If he likes you, he should break up with his gf first and then ask you out properly. Unless that happens, you should keep a distance much farther than what you described.

My suggestion is not to do anything with him. Take good care of your health and go out with other friends.

canbelto
03-11-2011, 03:30 AM
I dunno, I feel like most of my friendships have been with guys, I just get along with them better, and it's always been like that. Straight or gay. I have a couple girlfriends but I just always get along better with guys. It's never really been an issue before, me being friends with a guy.

Matryeshka
03-11-2011, 03:39 AM
Doesn't matter if you have had a million platonic friendships with guys in the past or will have a million more in the future. Maybe they all turn out well without any heartache on either part, but not this one.

Bonita
03-11-2011, 04:16 AM
I have had a lot of "platonic" friend guys, who wavered between platonic and not totally so. Sometimes their new girlfriends dictate the rules and they distanced themselves. In the end, if they are really your friend, they will be in the end either way. I'm happily married and still have a really good male friend who 100% respects my marriage. We've been friends over 20 years. It's a long and windy road. 95% of my male friends jumped ship and ditched me when I got married, but I have a couple of casual male friends still and one BFF who is gold. I don't know your situation, but if he's a player, then find a new BFF. I have an ex-friend guy who I never led on (told him point blank he wasn't my type, but that I loved him as a person), who dumped me like rotten food when I made it totally clear that friends was IT.

Angelskates
03-11-2011, 04:21 AM
This guy is your best friend? Surely there are better options out there. Like people who will communicate like adults. Sounds like you have some communication problems that make you both seem immature to me. If you can't talk it out in person, you're obviously not that good friends, and your friendship is obviously not as equally important to both parties. Trying to find out what is going wrong through other people is childish, a great way to get biased answers, and not a good sign of a strong friendship.

bek
03-11-2011, 04:50 AM
When your just friends with someone, you don't get upset when they are dating other people. Once your jealous of said person's girlfriend/boyfriend its a clear sign that your not just friends.

However, there's another factor, just because your dont' want someone with another person. Doesn't mean he's all that crazy about you. I once had a guy who I was just friends with, and we both realized we weren't just friends when we got jealous of the other flirting with others. So we dated. But we ended up ending the relationship because we realized that neither of us were all that crazy about each other.

To be quite frank I know that I was fascilating back in forth when it came to what I felt about him, and I think he was too. The other people were "catalysts I guess" but if we had truly been crazy about each other, we wouldn't have needed the others.

In the end, if he was truly crazy about you, unbelievably crazy about you. He wouldn't be cool with the idea of an undefined relationship with. Nor would he be cool with going on a ski trip with you platonically, and the list goes on and on. Don't you want someone whose crazy about you?

Your relationship isn't healthy IMO. And if this guy is a good guy than he know realizes it. Now if he's any kind of decent guy, he needs to make some decisions.

First of all who does he want to be with you or his girlfriend? If he wants to be with his girlfriend, than out of respect to her, he's frankly going to need to back off from your friendship big time. Its frankly not because you did something wrong, its because he loves her.

Or he needs to decide he wants to be with you. If he does than he needs to break things off with his girlfriend first. Out of respect to her.

Honestly, I must say that if I were you, I'd be really careful about being best friends with someone I'm attracted to, especially if they have a girlfriend. You need to protect your heart. I'd be wary about your relationship with him, if I was a guy.

I'd leave him alone.

And as for the whole but I have tons of guy friends.. I am someways am more comfortable with guys too. But I know that if there's a guy who is significantly attached to another girl. And I know that I'm attracted to said guy, than I know that this is a guy I need to be wary about developing a really close friendship with. And that's especially the case if perhaps the attraction might be even SLIGHTLY mutual. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly. But you need to protect your heart/feelings.

And frankly I think the sign of an honest guy or girl. Is when they are relationships with other people, they are also careful about not getting to close to people they are attracted too. There is ALWAYS going to be someone else that you could have had a relationship with, could have made it work if timing is right. But if you love the one your with and you want to make that relationship work. You do your best to keep yourself emotionally committed.

Oh and the respect he shows his girlfriend, will be the respect he'll show you, if you were his girlfriend. You know everything that's gone down between the two of you, would you feel comfortable with it if you were his girlfriend?

overedge
03-11-2011, 05:27 AM
It's all platonic though, he has a long-distance girlfriend so other than hugging and occasionally holding hands and staying up late at night to talk nothing more has happened.

Sorry, but if you're hugging and holding hands, that's not platonic. And if you're choked up because he hasn't gotten in touch with you for two days, that's not platonic either. Nor is the fact that (apparently) he stopped talking to you because you went on a date with another guy.

He sounds like a manipulative user who's trying to get you to come back to him, to keep him company while he's away from his long-distance girlfriend. Don't fall for it. You deserve better.

canbelto
03-11-2011, 11:38 AM
Oh and the respect he shows his girlfriend, will be the respect he'll show you, if you were his girlfriend. You know everything that's gone down between the two of you, would you feel comfortable with it if you were his girlfriend?

Eh I don't know, I feel as if his girlfriend knows about every time we're together, because he calls her to tell her he can't talk for long because he's out with me. So she must know about me, and be fine with it, maybe because it's a long-distance relationship. I don't know.

I've accepted the advice of all of you that this isn't really the healthiest friendship, but I'd still like some closure and to talk to him before we just ... stop talking. I dunno, to clear the air. Is that unreasonable of me?

Angelskates
03-11-2011, 11:45 AM
It's not your choice. You can't force him to talk to you.

Karina1974
03-11-2011, 12:20 PM
Could be wrong (standard disclaimer) but it sounds to me like you hope deep down that he's more interested in you than he lets on.

Honestly, I think he is more interested than he has let on up to this point. Why else would he suddenly start spritzing when she tells him she is thinking about going out on a date? I think that, in his eyes, she has been a kind of "stand in" for the girlfriend in Colombia (minus the sex of course), and her stepping out in a different direction from that is ruining the illusion for him.

I have a close male buddy, and if I were to get involved with someone, he would be absolutely thrilled for me. The first thing he would be doing is lobbying for the job of DJing the wedding! :D

bek
03-11-2011, 01:25 PM
Eh I don't know, I feel as if his girlfriend knows about every time we're together, because he calls her to tell her he can't talk for long because he's out with me. So she must know about me, and be fine with it, maybe because it's a long-distance relationship. I don't know.

I've accepted the advice of all of you that this isn't really the healthiest friendship, but I'd still like some closure and to talk to him before we just ... stop talking. I dunno, to clear the air. Is that unreasonable of me?

Knowing that her boyfriend is friends with you, and knowing that you guys spend time holding hands etc are too different things.


Honestly, I think he is more interested than he has let on up to this point.

I think thats totally possible but Canbelto cannot put her life on hold for this guy. I think this is the same guy she posted about couple of years ago, and that should be a wake up call for her. She can't wait around for this guy decide if he wants to be with her. And I think it would be difficult for another guy to really have a chance with her, while this guy is in the picture. Not to mention if I were a new guy, I'd see huge red flags about the relationship.

Canbelto at this point needs to move on with her life, and assume that this guy wants the current girlfriend. The thing is that if this guy has deep feelings for her, Canbelto ending the current pattern might be a wake up call for him. But Canbelto cannot distance herself just on hoping that he will change her mind. She has to distance herself, for her own emotional well being. Because she realizes that she deserves better.

Satellitegirl
03-11-2011, 01:50 PM
Canbelto at this point needs to move on with her life, and assume that this guy wants the current girlfriend. The thing is that if this guy has deep feelings for her, Canbelto ending the current pattern might be a wake up call for him. But Canbelto cannot distance herself just on hoping that he will change her mind. She has to distance herself, for her own emotional well being. Because she realizes that she deserves better.

Agreed.

Stormy
03-11-2011, 02:24 PM
A guy who truly is your "best friend" doesn't act like an immature, manipulative, passive aggressive asshat. Which is what he's doing. This isn't a healthy relationship or friendship. You need to get distance to get yourself away from this guy.

98% of my good friends are guys as well. And isn't the point of having male friends to not have to deal with this sort of DRAMA?

sk9tingfan
03-11-2011, 02:35 PM
Could be wrong (standard disclaimer) but it sounds to me like you hope deep down that he's more interested in you than he lets on.

I would agree with you. Two thoughts come to mind:

"The Lady doth protest too much methinks" (his attitude with respect to you're just a friend)

" He's not sure if he wants you, but he'll be damned if anyone else can have you

That happened to me