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Schmeck
12-23-2010, 01:08 AM
Alright, I am a rotten young capitalist :bribe::bribe::bribe: and I will burn in hell!!! :EVILLE:

On a serious note, it seems to me you missed the part where I said that some older people are the most valuable advisers. Most of my uni teachers are like that. Those older people who start scolding youngers and telling them that they know things better just because they are older, are funny cases and not worthy. The definition of success is not limited to money only. The success is more like feeling than an actual material result. At the same time to deny the role of money completely is not right too. The concept depends on the society. In some comfortable societies the material success means the recognition of your skills by people and the comfortable life you get in return.
Have no idea why health care centers were brought up. My hubby's granny died at the age of 96yo at her own house. If his parents are going to live the same long life, they have a few decades to kick around, the same goes about my folks. Actually health care centers also depends on the society. In the country where I reside they are more like hospitals with the features of reabilitation centers and country clubs. If children work in another country and have, for example a 90yo mother who can't distinguish water and green tea, it's a real care if she is put in a care center with the professional staff and 24-hour medical help than if she will be left on her own at her lonely home, and some social workers bringing her food once a day.

Not health care centers, home health care - as in, you pay someone to come into the home and take care of your elderly parents. It's very expensive, and eats up the material worth of the parent, and what the adult child will inherit. The child does not want to take on the responsibilty of taking care of the parent, but also doesn't want to spend any of the possible inheritance either. Some adult children have done some very cruel things to the parent.

On the side - many health care centers here (called nursing homes) are dreadful, and I've promised my mom I'd never put her in one.

numbers123
12-23-2010, 01:37 AM
I don't want my children to care for me and there are many, many good skilled nursing care centers that are excellent. It should not be my children's responsibility to care for me should I be unable to care for myself. Especially if I need urinary or bowel assistance or have lifting needs or...even if they want to, I don't want that to be the final memories that they have of me - as a burden.

I don't doubt that they would should I want them to, just that I don't want to put them in that situation.

Anita18
12-23-2010, 02:03 AM
Not health care centers, home health care - as in, you pay someone to come into the home and take care of your elderly parents. It's very expensive, and eats up the material worth of the parent, and what the adult child will inherit. The child does not want to take on the responsibilty of taking care of the parent, but also doesn't want to spend any of the possible inheritance either. Some adult children have done some very cruel things to the parent.

On the side - many health care centers here (called nursing homes) are dreadful, and I've promised my mom I'd never put her in one.
I guess it's just me and my family, but I never understood the obsession over inheritance. (My dad has already told us that his estate will go to charity. :lol: ) If your parents were supportive and raised you in a loving environment, that's as much as they could possibly give you, as far I'm concerned. I don't think any elderly parent would want to be a financial burden on their adult children, but that's why my family obsessively plans for retirement so nobody has to depend on support later in life.

Looking forward to getting money when your parents die is just morbid. :yikes:

numbers123
12-23-2010, 02:08 AM
My parents have been so intent on an inheritance for us, while my sibs and I are wishing that they would spend it on themselves. As the trustee of the trust, I can tell you I am not looking forward to administering the trust.

But that is important to my mom and dad. to leave us with monetary things.

missing
12-23-2010, 02:39 AM
I have a friend who was going to Florida for her grandmother's 100th birthday. I was surprised at how unexcited she was about it.

"She's a bitch," my friend said. "She was a bitch a hundred years ago and she's a bitch today."

Years have passed, and now my mother is 99. She is a sweetheart, which most likely she was 99 years ago also. But even though she doesn't live with me, she is a constant concern and a genuine burden. The classic I Love Lucy moments are when her hearing aid battery has died, and I have to shout at her to take the hearing aid out to replace the battery.

"Take your hearing aid out!"

"What did you say? I can't hear you."

"I said take your hearing aid out!"

"I can't hear you."

This can go on for several rounds.

Combine that sort of thing with arthritic knees and a loathing of one out of two American political parties, and I can be very grumpy indeed.

Prancer
12-23-2010, 02:53 AM
Commenting on "the younger generation", of course not everyone is going to be like that. But from my personal experience and conversations with others, it is going to set up an idea in your mind about how a certain group of people are going to behave.

Which is stereotyping. Why should that be encouraged?

I think you should take people as you find them. If you come across an entitled, grouchy PITA, what difference does it make if the entitled, grouchy PITA is eight or 80 or somewhere in between? I think people are far too inclined to take one or two experiences and apply them across the board.

A lot of people look at certain races with an idea in their minds of how those people are going to behave and we all think that's terrible--but it's okay to look at old people or young people and say, "Look how THEY are"? If you go into a situation with expectations of how people will behave, you will tend to focus on those things that reinforce your expectations. That's why sterotyping is so dangerous.

numbers123
12-23-2010, 03:34 AM
:respec:

Dragonlady
12-23-2010, 10:33 AM
If you are a booomer and participated in any of the protests, I bet you your parents and their friends thought you felt you were entitled, that your actions were irresponsible...and that at work you were upstarts who had no respect for those who worked themselves up to their positions. You know the whole great depression thing and having to scrape for every single penny...


My father died when I was 11. I got a paper route shortly thereafter to earn my own spending money. When I started high school, I worked on a tobacco farm in the summer to pay for books and clothes by suckering plants for the huge sum of $20 an acre. We could do one acre per day. When I was 14, I lied about my age and got a job working part time as a waitress. Throughout my junior high school and high school years I had part time jobs to basically pay my own way.

I also did all of the digging and weeding in my Mom's kitchen garden because she had arthritis and couldn't do the heavy work as well as babysitting when my older brothers and sisters were going out.

Had I not bought and sewed my own clothes, I would have received my older sisters' hand me downs which had been stylish in the 1950's but by the time I started high school, were extremely dated.

I had no sense of entitlement and knew that I was going to have to work my butt off for everything I wanted in life. And when I was going to protests and marches, my mother was cheering me on. Bless her heart.

What I heard over and over was that I was too damn independent and determined to do things my own way.

let`s talk
12-23-2010, 02:10 PM
It's very expensive, and eats up the material worth of the parent, and what the adult child will inherit.

Strange. I didn' know that. Where I grew up parents can demand pension from their children. I don't know anyone who actually used this legal right, because helping parents is a priori, without any court ruling. But de jure taking care of elderly parents is on kids' wallets, not on parents', or inheritance's.

Dragonlady
12-23-2010, 03:58 PM
Not health care centers, home health care - as in, you pay someone to come into the home and take care of your elderly parents. It's very expensive, and eats up the material worth of the parent, and what the adult child will inherit. The child does not want to take on the responsibilty of taking care of the parent, but also doesn't want to spend any of the possible inheritance either. Some adult children have done some very cruel things to the parent.

On the side - many health care centers here (called nursing homes) are dreadful, and I've promised my mom I'd never put her in one.

Iíve been in some very nice nursing homes but there are so many horror stories. The lower cost facilities skimp of staff and cut corners on patient care. Often patients are overmedicated to keep them docile and uncomplaining. The higher end homes are very expensive and beyond the reach of most families of modest means. And sometimes it isnít the parents who donít want to spend the inheritance, itís the kids.

Getting a placement isnít easy. The best facilities have long waiting lists. One friend moved her father to a nursing home but only managed to get him into the last facility on her list. It wasnít the sort of place you want to put your parents but it was the only one with a bed when they needed one.

My DHís grandmother was moved to a nursing home because of Alzheimers. She was on the waiting list for better facilities but this was another situation where the home with a bed when it was needed, wasnít our first choice for Grandma. She was found wandering and confused in her pajamas, in the snow a couple of weeks after she was moved there. How she managed to get out of the building is unknown, but if a passing motorist hadnít spotted her, she might of died of exposure. She was also over-medicated. The following week, a bed opened up at a better facility and the family moved her there.

Many North Americans are terrified of ending up in nursing homes. One man had it put in his Will that if his children put him in a nursing home, they were disinherited. He had enough money for home care and that was the end of the discussion. My mother was also afraid of ending her days in the county home and it was beautiful. I toured the place with her and kept thinking I wouldn't mind living there at all. She was terrifed of ending up there. It never happened. She was still living in her own apartment when she passed, and for that Iím grateful

taf2002
12-23-2010, 04:33 PM
My mother wasn't a grumpy person when she was young & she never got grumpy later, even when she got dementia/Alzheimers. In fact, she got sweeter as she aged. My dad was kind of a grumpy person, but I think that was partly the stress of having to raise & support 6 kids. After his stroke, he had no stress in his life & he was really sweet. I think I'm really lucky that my parents were not a duty when they got old because they never got hard to be around.

(I'll get payback when my husband gets old because he is a grumpy person.)

PDilemma
12-23-2010, 05:32 PM
Many North Americans are terrified of ending up in nursing homes. One man had it put in his Will that if his children put him in a nursing home, they were disinherited. He had enough money for home care and that was the end of the discussion. My mother was also afraid of ending her days in the county home and it was beautiful. I toured the place with her and kept thinking I wouldn't mind living there at all. She was terrifed of ending up there. It never happened. She was still living in her own apartment when she passed, and for that Iím grateful

If an elderly person can live alone or home health care is adequate and available, that's one thing. But sometimes families have a different situation on their hands.

My nearly 90 year old grandmother (she was a New Year baby) is living in her house alone because she and two of the four children are terrified of putting her in a nursing home. No quality home health care is available in the county. She refuses to use her toilet even since it was made accessible for her. She uses a large pot in the bedroom. She refuses to let anyone empty it regularly. She refuses to let anyone help her bath or to make any effort to bath herself. She refuses to let anyone bring decent food into the house and eats nothing but baloney, macaroni salad from WalMart, and Oreos and Fig Newtons. She frequently drinks spoiled milk. She will not let anyone clean the house, rarely allows anyone to wash her clothing or dishes.

The house is dirty and smells. She is dirty and smells. Everything is a disaster. Across the street from her house is a decent quality care facility with room available that two of my cousins have worked at (which is why we know it is a good facility). There, she would be living in a clean environment and probably be healthier. To my dad and one of his siblings, it is long past time for this option. To his other two siblings, everyone should stay at home regardless of how bad their quality of life becomes.

Dragonlady
12-23-2010, 05:57 PM
I absolutely agree that there are times when the family just cannot cope with the needs of an elderly parent, no matter how willing they are to try. As numbers pointed out there are issues of incontinence, lifting and bathing the patient, that would put the caregiver at risk of injury, and if there isn't someone in the immediate family who has the time and resources to care for a parent, what are you supposed to do.

PD's case above is hardly unique. That dread of ending up in a nursing home, keeps many elderly people in their homes long past the time when it is safe or practical for them to be there. And they're living in conditions that are frightful, without proper meals or oversight of their medical care. Not good.

In the case of both of my DH's grandmothers, medical problems became severe enough that family members could not cope, and it wasn't for lack of trying. MIL's mother just became too infirm for DH's aunt, a nurse who took an early retirement due to back problems, to care for without risking injury to herself. When my MIL and her brother drove their mother to the nursing home, she had a lucid moment when they pulled up to the home and she realized what was happened. She became hysterical, sat down on the ground and refused to go in. Imagine how my poor MIL felt watching her mother being carried into the nursing home, kicking and screaming the whole way.

FIL's mother was convinced they were doing this to her so they could get their hands on her house and her money, but she at least went, if not willingly, then peacefully.

PDilemma
12-23-2010, 06:03 PM
PD's case above is hardly unique. That dread of ending up in a nursing home, keeps many elderly people in their homes long past the time when it is safe or practical for them to be there. And they're living in conditions that are frightful, without proper meals or oversight of their medical care. Not good.


I didn't mention the incident in which she microwaved her cordless phone. Luckily, my aunt arrived just in time to save that situation. And my dad caught her trying to light something that was not a candle when he was there once. He and his sister then scoured the whole house to remove any lighters or matches.

It is absolutely not safe for her to be there alone.

My parents are going there after Christmas (she lives in another state) and my father is hoping to get his siblings to sit down and come to some agreement about fixing the situation.

clarie
12-23-2010, 06:06 PM
Oh boy, I could go on and on about getting older. Some good, some not so good. I'm 66 and was widowed 5 years ago, the following year I lost my best friend and figure skating buddy, then my dear cousin a year later. I've now found a great man who I re-met at the 50 year high school reunion 2 1/2 years ago and we are together now ;) So in spite of all the deaths, life still goes on if you want it to. My personality hasn't really changed although I'm wiser now whether younger people want to recognize it or not......they need to make their own mistakes anyway. That's how you learn about youself and grow. My belief is that pain is conducive to personal growth.

On the good side:

I like myself more and doubt myself less.
I don't sweat the small stuff and try to stay positive. If you don't like my perkiness, then tough titty.
My boyfriend and I finished my basement and put a nice dance floor in so we can dance.......(we like to jive, but to slower music these days)
I went back to school after my husband died and got a diploma from a Community college, and I'm proud of that.
I still really like sex :D
I refuse to wear pants or skirts with elasticized waistbands :lol: and I put my makeup on every day and do my hair........the vanity remains.....even though I'm not the beautiful, thin young thing I once was.
I love socializing and being with those I like and love, and try to stay active.
I like that I can still eat chocolate and potato chips on occasion.....yummy:)
It's worth the effort to be polite and considerate to people of all ages. I've learned that when I'm not, I do regret it, and I'm not enamored of having regrets, so it's best not to collect them.
I could go on and on, but I'll stop here.

On the negative side:

One thing that has bothered me but does less and less is that the older you get, younger people look through you not at you............it's almost as though you take up space but are of no consequence. But then again a lot of younger people all look the same to me too.:)

I really feel sorry for those people who resent getting older. I would think it takes the joy out of living. We are only hear for a short while........why not make the best of it.;)