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BigB08822
08-19-2010, 03:41 AM
One of the most sickening and hurtful things happened to my boyfriend today and I had to share this with someone. My boyfriend's best friend is getting married the day after Thanksgiving and shortly after her engagement (Thanksgiving of last year) she asked him to be her "Man of Honor." He was surprised and honored and accepted the title and responsibilities that came with it. He has so far attended 3 separate showers and hosted one of his own along with the Maid of Honor and the 1 Bridesmaid. That cost him $500 not to mention anything of all of his time. Today his friend calls and says that her fiance really needs to talk to him and can he come by one day this week. My boyfriend said he didn't like sitting around wondering what this was about (she wouldn't tell him) and he needed to call him right away or forget about it. The fiance calls and he beat around the bush for a while. Finally he spits it out that he is not comfortable with my boyfriend being the Man of Honor and he wants him out of the wedding in that capacity. He said he MIGHT call him back later with an alternative role in the wedding if they could find something for him. :eek: I know this didn't happen to me but I have NEVER been so livid with someone. When my boyfriend called me he was devastated and actually sobbing because his feelings were so hurt and he felt so completely used. We are most upset with his friend because she allowed this to happen. My boyfriend and the fiance have never gotten along, it is no surprise he wouldn't want him in the wedding but that is the precise reason he is on her side of the wedding party and not his. I can not believe that they would string him along all this time, use him for an elaborate and beautiful shower and then dump him with some consolation prize such as being an usher!! This is unforgivable as far as I am concerned although I can not speak for my boyfriend and I am trying my best not to tell him how he should feel. The decision has been made that we will not attend the next shower (#5) in September and he will not be in the wedding. The decision is all but made that we will not even attend the wedding but he wants to wait to hear from his friend before confirming that 100% just in case she has some actual excuse for standing behind this ludicrous idea. To make matters worse we are almost sure this has a lot to do with him being gay. The fiance and his family are not the most liberal people, quite frankly they are all backwood rednecks. We figured him being gay is an issue because they went to speak to their priest yesterday before coming to this decision. I don't see why they would need a priest if the fiance just doesn't like breaking tradition or if he just didn't get along with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is holding onto a sliver of hope that his friend was unaware of her fiances intentions but that is so unlikely. She went to talk to the priest with him (she had the nerve to tell us they had an appt with their priest because of "issues" but of course she didn't elaborate at the time) and she hasn't once called to ask what the conversation was about or anything. She definitely knew and she was OK with it. I told him not to let himself get hurt again and to be prepared that she was a part of this in a big way, even if it wasn't her idea and even if she isn't happy with it. I guess I just can not believe that she would use him like this and dump him a few months before the wedding, knowing all he has done for her and her fiance. I am just afraid that she can't possibly have a good excuse for her (or his) actions and she has lost a best friend and my friendship. The kicker is her bridesmaid is also a close friend of my boyfriends and she is a lesbian although not out to the bride. If it comes to light that this is about being gay then she has said she is out of the wedding as well. I am sorry this is so long and I am not even looking for responses but I had to share this with someone and this is my 2nd family of sorts! Ok, carry on...

TygerLily
08-19-2010, 03:44 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about this. :(

IceAlisa
08-19-2010, 04:17 AM
I am really sorry. Sounds aweful and smacks of bigotry. ((((BigB08822 and boyfriend))))

Rob
08-19-2010, 04:18 AM
And this is how she treats her best friend? Wow, sounds like she is in for some serious control issues in the future. It sounds like you didn't really want to jump to conclusions, but I totally agree it is hard not to. I can maybe see a somewhat homophobic and spineless "our parents are super religious and might think this is weird, and we'd rather not get into it so I would like you to be a groomsman." Maybe we'll find another role for you? Tacky. And she didn't have the guts to speak to your boyfriend herself, plus she'd have no good explanation.

The one thing is that I don't think she used him with the intention of dumping him. It sounds like he was an essential member of her wedding party until she gave into her fiance. Small consolation. I have seen this so many times - someone phasing out their best friends for a boyfriend or girlfriend. I wonder what makes people give in like that.

Bostonfan
08-19-2010, 04:18 AM
If his being gay is an issue in terms of the wedding itself, you'd think the bride would know that before asking him to fill a specific role other than guest. It's definitely tacky and wrong that the groom was the one to tell him. Very cowardly on her part.

I'm having major deja vu because many years ago my best friend and I split for good over her terrible treatment of me when she got married and I was her supposed Maid of Honor. Maybe I'll tell the story here one day. For now I can well understand how your boyfriend is feeling.

FiveRinger
08-19-2010, 04:22 AM
I am speechless. I am so sorry that this happened to both of you.

pat c
08-19-2010, 04:32 AM
That sucks. I think the worst thing is she didn't have the guts to tell her good friend what was going on.

Out of curiosity, why so many showers?

Rob
08-19-2010, 04:35 AM
Showers are out of control. In the olden days, a pot holder used to be a perfectly good shower gift. Now, you have to give 2 wedding presents.

BigB08822
08-19-2010, 04:42 AM
Thanks everyone. The showers were not all their ideas. A few different people in his family wanted to throw one and the same on her side. My boyfriends shower (also hosted by the MOH and the Bridesmaid) was the "official" wedding shower and it was done as a couples shower. It is out of control but they didn't expect more than one gift so it wasn't just a plot for as many things as possible.

A lot of the things being said echo my thoughts exactly, such as why didn't she do this herself instead of having him do it. I am guessing she is upset with the decision and probably told him he would have to do it but that doesn't excuse her from any of this.

We also don't know why this is just coming up now if it is an issue of him being gay. Even if it is only a matter of not liking the idea of a Man of Honor why did he wait until this point? Surely she checked with her fiance before deciding on her wedding party. This should have been nipped in the bud and my boyfriend should have never been asked to be in the wedding in the first place.

All I know is whether this was her idea or not is irrelevant. She has made a decision to let this go on and she will have to live with the consequences for the rest of her life. I certainly hope it was worth it. I also pity the next time she sees me. :EVILLE:

overedge
08-19-2010, 05:06 AM
What a sad situation. I feel very bad for you and your boyfriend.
It sounds like the bride was kind of pushed into this. Perhaps initially she thought everyone would be OK with having a gay member of the wedding party, but she just got worn down over time and decided to take the path of least resistance.
I hope that if she tries to make amends, you will at least hear her out, on the chance that this really wasn't her idea. Maybe she didn't handle it in the best way, but she might be feeling pretty bad too. If she isn't, though, I'm sure you will have no problem ending the friendship.

bardtoob
08-19-2010, 05:19 AM
:( I don't understand. To me, asking a spouse to hurt a best friend WHO IS NOT A ROMANTIC RIVAL makes no sense.

. . . He is striking at the most high status person in her life. I am thinking he is trying to isolate her from her friends. He is breaking-up her support system so she is more dependent on him.

. . . I bet the bride has no idea what she is in for when she marries this guy. I predict he will become abusive after she gets pregnant.

I interpret this as a controlling behavior in the bride relationship. The bride is on her way to becoming a door mat.

So sad.

BigB08822
08-19-2010, 05:41 AM
I have a hard time giving her fiance too much credit. We are convinced he is autistic to some degree. He has no social skills and is extremely awkward in group settings. I don't mean to call him stupid but this seems a bit over his head to go through all of this to control her. However, he doesn't have much so perhaps she is the one thing he can have control over so he is taking advantage of it.

skateboy
08-19-2010, 05:44 AM
I interpret this as a controlling behavior in the bride relationship. The bride is on her way to becoming a door mat.


Agreed.

So sorry this has happened to your boyfriend, and to you, Brian.

escaflowne9282
08-19-2010, 06:13 AM
IMHO, the bride does not sound like someone your BF should waste time (or tears) on. I am so sorry that he has been used in this way.

genevieve
08-19-2010, 07:04 AM
I';m very sorry to hear about this. Your bf must be devastated :(

I know it must be hard to not leap to the conclusion that the groom made this decision because either he or his family is not comfortable with your bf being in the bridal party because he;s gay - in fact I have a hard time not making that assumption as well - but I think the killer here is that your bf's friend, who is the one who asked him to be a part of HER wedding, did not have the guts to tell him herself. It really doesn't matter if this is the groom's choice, or what the reason is - she is agreeing to it and it was her responsibility to convey that SHE no longer wants him to be in her wedding party, because the couple is making this decision together, no matter how hard she wants to remove herself from the situation. There is simply no way she didn't know what the fiance wanted to talk about. If she has any honor at all, she will offer to reimburse your bf every cent that he spent on the bridal shower. it;'s up to him whether to accept or not, but she needs to make that offer.

Unless she comes forward and works this out with your bf, I hope he washes his hands of her. it will be painful, but it's unacceptable that she would allow her good friend to be treated this way.