Rabbit
08-14-2010, 11:28 AM
I quitted in a company because I felt treated unfairly. But I don't know if you can really call this molestation, mobbing or harassment? And since I can't get over it - actually, I constantly think about it - I need help to figure what happened to me, so that I can leave it behind. Please I need some help and since it has sth to do with different cultures I need your opinions.
Shortly after I got hired, one of my bosses asked me when we met outside - during lunch breaks and when we had social meetings for the whole company - what plans I have for the weekend. He did this several times. I am not 100% sure what he really wanted. Perhaps it's common in the US, but the way he looked at me, while I was working, I assumed he was interested in a private relationship. But I am NOT sure. The man is American (so is the company), but genetically he is 100% Chinese. He comes from California and I realised from his talks and the pics of his friends that he grew up in an American-Asian community. I got the impression that he hardly has non-Asian friends even in the US. I wonder if this was the source of all my problems?
Well, even if I didn't know what he wanted, I knew exactly what I wanted: I had been unemployed for some months and I only (desperately) wanted to work, nothing else. He told me in a bar (again a company meeting) that he has no girl-friend, that he has problems to meet girls in our (European) town because he doesn't speak our language (he lives here since more than a year and can't speak 3 sentences). That it is also difficult for him to find a girl because he is Asian (his opinion - I don't think that it's realistic). He also said that he hates his former girl-friend. - I was practically a stranger and he told me these things! I felt SO uncomfortable while he was telling me all these things - and there were two male co-workers around listening. And then he abruptly asked me what I do this weekend. I didn't know where to look and what to do. He is the second manager in this company, so on a much higher level than me and the others.
Is this normal among Americans or Chinese people that they are so outspoken about personal things to strangers? Because if it is, then perhaps it all started with a misunderstanding and he had no erotic motives. I really don't know. Is it all a cultural misunderstanding?
Well, let me continue. I had the feeling that he was too focused on me. So I became reluctant. But I thought my behaviour was not very obvious. I was never offensive! Never. What mean did I do? I was always polite when he talked to me directly but I just tried to not be too close to him and to not communicate with him alone. For example when I went in a restaurant during the lunch break and he was there I always cared, that at least 2 people were sitting between us.
While the others didn't notice that I was avoiding him - HE noticed. And he became angry.
Now things got really ugly. When he entered a room, where I was, he immediately started to talk to others ABOUT ME. So he was standing one meter away and I heard sentences like: "This girl has her own way. She doesn't talk to me." Then he abruptly turned to me and looked at me for a second with a glance so full of fury that my blood was freezing. Then he turned back to the other person. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say and how to react. If it had been SOME co-worker, things had been different. I had defended myself. But he was my boss, he could fire me any time. And he was actually not speaking TO ME but to some other person (always a man). So my reaction was to leave and come back when he was gone. This ridiculous situation went on for months. The worst was that his reaction isolated me from the others. When we went to some social meeting he always let something drop like: "She is too good for me!" "She thinks she is better than me!" And most of my co-workers started to avoid me, I guess simply to show their solidarity?! I don't know. I was polite and supportive to everybody! But since these social meetings became so unpleasant for me I started to skip them. This didn't really help ...
Perhaps - and this is the thing that bugs me - perhaps my boss was thinking that I was avoiding him for being Asian? Could it be that he harbors a victim mentality? That he thought that I discriminated him? And even IF he thought so, was this the way to handle the situation? I mean if I was a boss and I believe that some person is avoiding me for racist reasons I would really fire this person immediately after an investigating talk! AFAIK esp. in the US the laws are very strict. Isn't this the way it goes? Then again - I noticed that he looked very interested when blonde women appeared in the office. I am blonde BTW and he never tried to talk to my dark-haired female co-workers. Actually they felt ignored by him and once even complained about it. Isn't it strange? Was I really wrong when I assumed that he wanted to start a relationship with me?
The isolation around me hurt. It felt like a wall. Only two people still invited me for lunch. One of the few women (we had only 5% women) and my direct supervisor. It's strange - we never talked about my problem. But I figured that he became very protective about me. But then he got fired and the new supervisor who had watched what had happened right from the start treated me as if I wouldn't exist. At the end I couldn't stand his behaviour anymore, I mean I was responsible for a big project and had to ask him some things, but he ignored me.
So I quitted.
It's really sad. Because I needed the experience so badly. I had switched my profession last year, and this was my first job in my new profession, and I was even good! Plus I loved the multi-cultural atmosphere in the company. So - again - I am unemployed. Too much time on my plate and still feeling hurt. Almost every day I recapitulate what has happened in this company, shaking my head. What HAS happened? Was it my fault? Was it all a misunderstanding? Or have I been the victim of an overly sensitive man and a masculine crew who were making my daily life so miserable? I want answers and I can't find them.
There are also some other things that I would like to know. It's about the way how employees are treated in American companies:
Is it common in the US that employees who had been dismissed are not allowed to enter the company's ground, even if they left in good terms? One woman (the one who was still nice to me) was dismissed since they had no new project for her. This is not avoidable, but then she came back some days later to fetch her plant. But they didn't let her in. So she had to phone one of her colleagues on the cell phone to bring the plant downstairs. Is this normal?
Also when people were fired, they had to go IMMEDIATELY though they were paid for the remaining weeks or even months of their contract. They had to stand up and go within 10 minutes and they were escorted by the supervisor to the door, as if they were thieves. Is this common in the US?
Oh my, I just want to leave it behind ... if only I could
Shortly after I got hired, one of my bosses asked me when we met outside - during lunch breaks and when we had social meetings for the whole company - what plans I have for the weekend. He did this several times. I am not 100% sure what he really wanted. Perhaps it's common in the US, but the way he looked at me, while I was working, I assumed he was interested in a private relationship. But I am NOT sure. The man is American (so is the company), but genetically he is 100% Chinese. He comes from California and I realised from his talks and the pics of his friends that he grew up in an American-Asian community. I got the impression that he hardly has non-Asian friends even in the US. I wonder if this was the source of all my problems?
Well, even if I didn't know what he wanted, I knew exactly what I wanted: I had been unemployed for some months and I only (desperately) wanted to work, nothing else. He told me in a bar (again a company meeting) that he has no girl-friend, that he has problems to meet girls in our (European) town because he doesn't speak our language (he lives here since more than a year and can't speak 3 sentences). That it is also difficult for him to find a girl because he is Asian (his opinion - I don't think that it's realistic). He also said that he hates his former girl-friend. - I was practically a stranger and he told me these things! I felt SO uncomfortable while he was telling me all these things - and there were two male co-workers around listening. And then he abruptly asked me what I do this weekend. I didn't know where to look and what to do. He is the second manager in this company, so on a much higher level than me and the others.
Is this normal among Americans or Chinese people that they are so outspoken about personal things to strangers? Because if it is, then perhaps it all started with a misunderstanding and he had no erotic motives. I really don't know. Is it all a cultural misunderstanding?
Well, let me continue. I had the feeling that he was too focused on me. So I became reluctant. But I thought my behaviour was not very obvious. I was never offensive! Never. What mean did I do? I was always polite when he talked to me directly but I just tried to not be too close to him and to not communicate with him alone. For example when I went in a restaurant during the lunch break and he was there I always cared, that at least 2 people were sitting between us.
While the others didn't notice that I was avoiding him - HE noticed. And he became angry.
Now things got really ugly. When he entered a room, where I was, he immediately started to talk to others ABOUT ME. So he was standing one meter away and I heard sentences like: "This girl has her own way. She doesn't talk to me." Then he abruptly turned to me and looked at me for a second with a glance so full of fury that my blood was freezing. Then he turned back to the other person. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say and how to react. If it had been SOME co-worker, things had been different. I had defended myself. But he was my boss, he could fire me any time. And he was actually not speaking TO ME but to some other person (always a man). So my reaction was to leave and come back when he was gone. This ridiculous situation went on for months. The worst was that his reaction isolated me from the others. When we went to some social meeting he always let something drop like: "She is too good for me!" "She thinks she is better than me!" And most of my co-workers started to avoid me, I guess simply to show their solidarity?! I don't know. I was polite and supportive to everybody! But since these social meetings became so unpleasant for me I started to skip them. This didn't really help ...
Perhaps - and this is the thing that bugs me - perhaps my boss was thinking that I was avoiding him for being Asian? Could it be that he harbors a victim mentality? That he thought that I discriminated him? And even IF he thought so, was this the way to handle the situation? I mean if I was a boss and I believe that some person is avoiding me for racist reasons I would really fire this person immediately after an investigating talk! AFAIK esp. in the US the laws are very strict. Isn't this the way it goes? Then again - I noticed that he looked very interested when blonde women appeared in the office. I am blonde BTW and he never tried to talk to my dark-haired female co-workers. Actually they felt ignored by him and once even complained about it. Isn't it strange? Was I really wrong when I assumed that he wanted to start a relationship with me?
The isolation around me hurt. It felt like a wall. Only two people still invited me for lunch. One of the few women (we had only 5% women) and my direct supervisor. It's strange - we never talked about my problem. But I figured that he became very protective about me. But then he got fired and the new supervisor who had watched what had happened right from the start treated me as if I wouldn't exist. At the end I couldn't stand his behaviour anymore, I mean I was responsible for a big project and had to ask him some things, but he ignored me.
So I quitted.
It's really sad. Because I needed the experience so badly. I had switched my profession last year, and this was my first job in my new profession, and I was even good! Plus I loved the multi-cultural atmosphere in the company. So - again - I am unemployed. Too much time on my plate and still feeling hurt. Almost every day I recapitulate what has happened in this company, shaking my head. What HAS happened? Was it my fault? Was it all a misunderstanding? Or have I been the victim of an overly sensitive man and a masculine crew who were making my daily life so miserable? I want answers and I can't find them.
There are also some other things that I would like to know. It's about the way how employees are treated in American companies:
Is it common in the US that employees who had been dismissed are not allowed to enter the company's ground, even if they left in good terms? One woman (the one who was still nice to me) was dismissed since they had no new project for her. This is not avoidable, but then she came back some days later to fetch her plant. But they didn't let her in. So she had to phone one of her colleagues on the cell phone to bring the plant downstairs. Is this normal?
Also when people were fired, they had to go IMMEDIATELY though they were paid for the remaining weeks or even months of their contract. They had to stand up and go within 10 minutes and they were escorted by the supervisor to the door, as if they were thieves. Is this common in the US?
Oh my, I just want to leave it behind ... if only I could