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PDilemma
07-24-2010, 04:09 PM
OTOH, most folks who are introverts do want involvement with other people, including romantically. So how do people work this out?

Marry another introvert. Mine is outside enjoying his solitary car washing and lawn grooming and I am sitting here with FSU and a cup of coffee and we are very happy with that.

Every relationship I ever had before him was an extrovert. Magnetic big personalities--extreme extroverts. And I would be so into them and then, very quickly, they would exhaust me and I'd just want to go home. Until I met my husband (through a friend), and while it took awhile for me to be into him, he did not ever exhaust me. And he was exactly what I needed.

Anita18
07-24-2010, 05:21 PM
Would she be more understanding if she knew what was going on? Because I do understand what you're saying (why and how it all happened), and maybe that's why I think your daughter would understand it more if she knew what exactly was going on. Although I'm sure you know your family and what's better and what's not.

I was just talking from a perspective of someone who's like that (needs to decompress after too much dealing with other people; recharge my engines so to speak). If someone doesn't understand that I usually try to explain. Most people have no problem with it, even if they can't really "understand" it, they'll take my word for it. Unless they're completely self-absorbed ninnies and take offense every time your attention is not 100% on them (I'm not talking about your daughter by any chance, but my ex... and some trolls on the Internet... :P)
Yeah honesty is always the best policy when it comes to these things, especially when it involves your mood. People can misinterpret that.

I guess I was so used to my parents being introverts, that it never occurred to me that I should be able to bother them whenever and to take offense if they wanted to be left alone.

Prancer
07-24-2010, 06:39 PM
Would she be more understanding if she knew what was going on? Because I do understand what you're saying (why and how it all happened), and maybe that's why I think your daughter would understand it more if she knew what exactly was going on. Although I'm sure you know your family and what's better and what's not.

She knows her dad decompresses after work; she need decompression time herself, maybe even more than he does.

But as I said, this was time critical, as in, she was going to have to go face the demon before her dad was ready to face her. I told her at five that she needed to eat something because she had to leave in 30 minutes, and she burst into tears.

So it's not a matter of her not understanding his moods or insisting on intruding on his space right then because she thinks she's the center of the universe; it's a matter of she needed something right then whatever his mood happened to be.

I don't consider that selfish of her; that's life. It wasn't selfish of him, either; he just couldn't deal with her right then.

And no, I don't think I should have explained to her that I was not on her dad's side, or that I disagree with the way he was handling things. Not a good idea.

But things like that happen, and not just with kids. You can't always have everything and everyone work around your mood, and you can't always withdraw in the face of other people's needs; OTOH, you can't dismiss someone else's need for space as a "mood" because it's a real need and it's one that must be taken into account. If I need company right now and you need alone time right now, that's a conflict--and neither party is wrong, it's just the way it is. And it happens to everyone to varying degrees.


My second husband, with whom I was involved for 17 years including an eight-year legal marriage, was great at giving me space. We even bought a house too big for us so that there would be "spheres of influence" for him, me and my then-teenaged daughter. Well, all that space equaled lack of any kind of intimacy, after a while we were more like roommates than anything else. It didn't work. I was really lonely.

I think that happens a lot when introverts marry introverts. You need space, you get space, but it's easy to get too much space without realizing it. I know a lot of introvert couples (lots of science types) who end up divorced after 25 years because there is no there there any more.

Extraverts I know end up driving each other crazy because there is no space at all.

Sometimes I think my SIL is on to something with that duplex thing :P.

PRlady
07-24-2010, 06:45 PM
Sometimes I think my SIL is on to something with that duplex thing :P.

When my ex-husband and I were dating, he pointed to a couple we knew. He, a wealthy guy, had built his significant other a house of her own...in his backyard, so to speak. (Yes, I know it sounds like a doghouse but this was a big lot with two nice houses on it.) Why, my ex asked me in all seriousness, couldn't we do something like that?

In my late thirties I was so astounded and offended by that idea. Now I think it's the perfect solution :shuffle: Of course, I'm now the age my ex was when he suggested that!

Kruss
07-24-2010, 10:04 PM
Okay, I just took a double plunge and signed up for plentyoffish as well. Why couldn't this have already happened for me so I wouldn't have to do this? :lol:

made_in_canada
07-25-2010, 02:53 AM
I think that happens a lot when introverts marry introverts. You need space, you get space, but it's easy to get too much space without realizing it. I know a lot of introvert couples (lots of science types) who end up divorced after 25 years because there is no there there any more.



That's essentially what happened in my marriage. Two introverted people living in a 600 ft. apartment is not a good combination. Then when I actually needed him to be attentive when I was sick I think he actually had no idea how.

I've never tries internet dating as I have zero need for a relationship at the moment but I can't see myself ever trying it. I think I need the face to face, it's too easy to misinterpret people over the internet.

Kruss
07-26-2010, 04:16 PM
So here's a question. Do you think it's rude to not reply when someone sends a message via these sites? I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't see the point in engaging in a conversation when I am not interested in the person based on their profile.

I think it is probably polite to say "hello, thanks for your interest, no thank you", but somehow I don't want to deal with any negative reaction they may have. Been there, done that.

Debbie S
07-26-2010, 04:44 PM
So here's a question. Do you think it's rude to not reply when someone sends a message via these sites? I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't see the point in engaging in a conversation when I am not interested in the person based on their profile.That's generally what everyone does - not reply. Don't worry about it - you're going to get a lot of weird messages.

Good luck!

Ajax
07-26-2010, 04:52 PM
So here's a question. Do you think it's rude to not reply when someone sends a message via these sites? I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't see the point in engaging in a conversation when I am not interested in the person based on their profile.

I don't reply if I'm not interested. They're strangers anyway, who cares if it's rude.

I had my first date through the website this weekend and it was very successful :) so I'm excited. Of course now I'm into the did he have fun, is he going to call, what does it mean that he said this or that etc analysis part which I hate :D

I did get two creepy/weird messages this weekend. One guy wrote to me that if I want a boyfriend who won't cheat on me, I shouldn't talk to him (and I'd never talked to him so I'm not sure what precipitated this random admonishment! :lol:). And creepier, one guy wrote that he recognized me on the subway, mentioning the stop where I live, and said that I'm gorgeous. That one is kind of worrisome :(

bobalina77
07-26-2010, 05:57 PM
I didn't reply if I wasn't interested. Like I said.. I had one guy tear a strip off me because I didn't reply to him. I was like.. whoa.. red flag right there lol! If you reply to every person who writes it gets a little ridiculous I think.

Cheylana
07-26-2010, 06:05 PM
So here's a question. Do you think it's rude to not reply when someone sends a message via these sites? I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't see the point in engaging in a conversation when I am not interested in the person based on their profile.

I think it is probably polite to say "hello, thanks for your interest, no thank you", but somehow I don't want to deal with any negative reaction they may have. Been there, done that.
I know on Match, you can click a button that automatically sends the person a polite "ding" letter - "thanks but no thanks." However, I later learned on one of those Match community boards that it's considered impolite by many to send that ding letter b/c it rubs your lack of interest in their face!

Kruss
07-26-2010, 07:17 PM
Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I think I'll just not reply, and if they persist, block them.

I appreciate the advice! :)

Anita18
07-26-2010, 07:21 PM
That's essentially what happened in my marriage. Two introverted people living in a 600 ft. apartment is not a good combination. Then when I actually needed him to be attentive when I was sick I think he actually had no idea how.
That's when you tell him what you need. :) When I was sick (this was for months since I was slow in recovering from stomach flu) my bf asked specifically what he could do to help.

And it isn't like introvert bfs don't care. They do. They just doesn't know what to do, so you have to tell them. :)

Again, I was familiar with this because of my dad. When he's upset, he doesn't show it publicly nor does he tell anyone about it. But when my mom was sick and doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, my sister said he scared her sometimes because he'd go into his study and just scream. Otherwise he'd be just stoic, but in that instance, he couldn't take it anymore.


I didn't reply if I wasn't interested. Like I said.. I had one guy tear a strip off me because I didn't reply to him. I was like.. whoa.. red flag right there lol! If you reply to every person who writes it gets a little ridiculous I think.
Yeah, that happened to me too. :lol: For many sites, you can block users as well. I've done that several times. :P

susan6
07-26-2010, 07:43 PM
I've considered trying online dating, but it seems like a lot of work. I'm introverted too and while it would be nice to occasionally have someone there (especially going on vacations and things), I do need my space. I don't even have a facebook account because I don't want a bunch of people I barely know contacting me and showing off their random pictures. With the safety issues about online dating and stories of creepy emails and random strangers PO'd if you don't reply, I'll need to set up a special email account for this and then find some pictures to post and put together a profile. How much work do you put into your profile?

mashenka82
07-26-2010, 09:08 PM
Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I think I'll just not reply, and if they persist, block them.

I appreciate the advice! :)

I did the online dating thing for a little bit a few years ago, and I agree that it's better not to send anything. Usually, you'll send a couple of letters to people, and normally a few days later you forget about the email, so it's just a mean reminder a few days later if you get a ding.