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BlueRidge
07-23-2010, 01:39 PM
Why? I said nothing about anyone else, nor did I draw some sort of general conclusion about singledom. I was talking about ME. I've been married for 25 years and can't even conceive of life without my husband at this point; everything we do is intertwined to some degree. On top of that, I've never lived alone. In fact, I don't think I've ever spent a single night alone at home and I can count on my fingers the numbers of nights I've spent alone ever.

I don't know how to be single. I wouldn't know where to start or how to organize my days and nights or what to do when I got lonely. I rarely go places alone, I've hardly ever come home to an empty house, and I can't remember the last time I even ate dinner by myself. I've spent my life trying to figure out how to get time alone, not how to find someone to spend time with. It would be a completely alien experience for me to be alone.

But if people want to take offense at that, have at it.

Its amazing how different people are actually.

Imagine the complete opposite of this and you have me. And I cannot imagine surviving living like Prancer. :eek:

There are introverts and there are extroverts, and all manner of in betweens.

vesperholly
07-23-2010, 01:49 PM
I don't know how to be single. I wouldn't know where to start or how to organize my days and nights or what to do when I got lonely. I rarely go places alone, I've hardly ever come home to an empty house, and I can't remember the last time I even ate dinner by myself. I've spent my life trying to figure out how to get time alone, not how to find someone to spend time with. It would be a completely alien experience for me to be alone.

Interesting. This doesn't offend me at all, in fact I'm curious about how different people's lives are. I've been single for so long that I feel like I'd have to make some major changes to accommodate a husband. For one thing, I'd need an apartment double the size of my current one. :lol: I don't think it's a stubbornness thing or an incompatibility thing. I've sought and enjoyed time alone ever since I was a kid.

I have seen more judgement going one way than the other, though. People who want to be around others seem less able to understand people who want alone time.

BlueRidge
07-23-2010, 01:55 PM
...
I have seen more judgement going one way than the other, though. People who want to be around others seem less able to understand people who want alone time.

I think it is just really hard for people who are strongly extroverted to even understand people who are not.

OTOH, most folks who are introverts do want involvement with other people, including romantically. So how do people work this out?

Veronika
07-23-2010, 02:32 PM
I lived alone for 5 years before I met my husband, and he moved in with me after a year of dating. (We got married about 3 months later.) I do miss living alone sometimes, but it's still nicer to have someone around. We both need our alone time, but sometimes it's hard for me to admit that--I don't want him to feel bad.

It helped that he was in law school for the first three years of our marriage, he was gone a lot and I missed him. I'd rather miss someone than see them too much and want them to go away. ;)

Southpaw
07-23-2010, 07:22 PM
I can't do Internet dating. Apparently, I don't behave very well on dates at this point in my life so I'm liable to give some guy who doesn't know me the wrong first impression. I was on a date once at a restaurant and one of the Grand Prix events was on the television in the bar and I kept looking over my date's shoulder as he was talking to watch the skating. :shuffle:

He said he would get his revenge during a hockey game, but we never actually made it that far.

Prancer
07-23-2010, 07:56 PM
OTOH, most folks who are introverts do want involvement with other people, including romantically. So how do people work this out?

My sister-in-law recommends a duplex.

Anita18
07-23-2010, 10:39 PM
I lived alone for 5 years before I met my husband, and he moved in with me after a year of dating. (We got married about 3 months later.) I do miss living alone sometimes, but it's still nicer to have someone around. We both need our alone time, but sometimes it's hard for me to admit that--I don't want him to feel bad.
Usually I really like my alone time, but I was very glad last night that my bf was around. There was a HONKING GIANT COCKROACH on the living room wall and even though my first reaction was to stay as far away from it as possible, my bf insisted on letting it outside. So he (and the kitten) chased it around the room while I was running away from it, being quite useless. :lol: He eventually got it outside and I clapped.


My sister-in-law recommends a duplex.
Bf and I (who have COMPLETELY different sleep schedules) are doing okay right now, although we only see each other on weekends currently. He sleeps in my room while I work downstairs in the living room. As far as I know, as long as you don't have a studio, there's plenty of space for the both of us. :lol:

vesperholly
07-23-2010, 10:49 PM
OTOH, most folks who are introverts do want involvement with other people, including romantically. So how do people work this out?

My old office was pretty good for that, lots of people my age - including guys, which was a nice "safe" space to be around guys but not have the pressure of trying to date them (there was only one I dated, and that was after he no longer worked there :shuffle:). It was great because I could socialize within reason at work, then go home and be alone.

Then I got transferred to a different, smaller office, where I only see the same 2-3 women on a daily basis, and they're all much older than me. I like them, but it is soooo boring socially.

Prancer
07-24-2010, 12:08 AM
As far as I know, as long as you don't have a studio, there's plenty of space for the both of us. :lol:

Oh, I don't think that's true for everyone at all. When I was first married, I found that living in 1000 sq. ft. was pretty suffocating at times, and I know my husband did as well. Sometimes just having another person in your general space can be too much.

We're both more introverted than extraverted and we do what introverts who live together do--we've both carved out alone time and most of the time, that works out fine. Sometimes one of us doesn't want to be alone during one of the other's alone time, and that can be a bit of conflict, but most of the time, we are comfortable with the other needing alone time.

But then there are times like today. My husband has been working with people all day, something he is not used to doing, and comes home people-d out; he always need decompression time after work, but sometimes he needs it more than others. Today, he came home early because he was beyond people'd out, positively radiating "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME." Normally, this would be fine; I understand this very well, don't take it personally, and have no trouble at all avoiding him, especially since I know that I won't enjoy his company if I don't. I know he would actually prefer to not have anyone in the house at all, and I left for a while to give him that space.

But the problem with living with other people is that sometimes your need to be alone conflicts with others' need to have you involved in something, and so it is today. My daughter is having a crisis, which was precipitated and perpetuated by my husband. I have disagreed with his handling of this issue from the start, but I agreed to keep my mouth shut, go along with it, and see how things unfold.

So there is my daughter, weeping, and refusing to talk to her dad because from her perspective, he is the problem, and there is my husband, who is in no shape to deal with people at all, much less an emotional crisis, and then there is me, who doesn't want to deal with the situation because I feel very much that it is something the two of them need to work out with each other. And I know that if I go to him when he is hunkered down like this, he will a) try to refuse to deal with it at all; b) when pressed, try to delegate the matter to me and; c) when a and b don't work, will make some knee-jerk decision just because he just can't deal with it all right now and needs to have us go away. And I didn't know that already, well, I would now, because that is exactly what has been happening since this started a couple of hours ago.

I get that he really can't deal with this right now until he has had some time alone to decompress. But unfortunately for all involved, this is pretty time critical.

So--we're all three flaming mad at each other at the moment and I am emerging from this as the bad guy for both of them because I am trying not to intrude too much on him (enraging my daughter, who wants me to mediate for her) but I refuse to take over and handle this myself (enraging my husband, who wants me to mediate for him).

Wheeeee.

Things like this don't happen often, but they do happen. And I would think that the more introverted you are, the more often you will find your need to be alone in conflict with the need to participate, and the harder it is to deal with such instances.

Angelskates
07-24-2010, 08:32 AM
(((((Prancer and family))))))) I need time to decompress just after reading that. Sometimes I find my cats too needy, I don't do to well living with people.

And my mum and her friend are coming for 5 days tomorrow, and both staying at my place. I have a big place, but still two people at once :scream:. I'm glad to see my mum, but 5 days will be long enough sharing the same house.

Anita18
07-24-2010, 08:38 AM
Things like this don't happen often, but they do happen. And I would think that the more introverted you are, the more often you will find your need to be alone in conflict with the need to participate, and the harder it is to deal with such instances.
Eeuuuuugh sounds messy.

I don't recall this ever happening in our family of introverts, though. Or maybe I've forgotten them, which bodes well for your daughter in the end. :lol:

Prancer
07-24-2010, 10:08 AM
Eeuuuuugh sounds messy.

Not particularly, no; it's just life, and is really very mild as family conflicts go. No one is pregnant, doing drugs, dropping out of school, etc.


I don't recall this ever happening in our family of introverts, though. Or maybe I've forgotten them, which bodes well for your daughter in the end. :lol:

My daughter will not remember anything like the above; what she will remember is that her dad forced her into something she didn't want to do that she hates even more than she expected and her mom wouldn't take her side, even though she actually spoke up (which she rarely does--she usually keeps things to herself) and cried (which is even more rare). :drama:

She won't remember the rest because she is unaware of the rest. She didn't talk to her dad at all and I certainly didn't discuss his issues or mine with her.

And so it goes.

Just be warned; this is what dating can lead to :P.

WindSpirit
07-24-2010, 11:02 AM
She won't remember the rest because she is unaware of the rest. She didn't talk to her dad at all and I certainly didn't discuss his issues or mine with her. Would she be more understanding if she knew what was going on? Because I do understand what you're saying (why and how it all happened), and maybe that's why I think your daughter would understand it more if she knew what exactly was going on. Although I'm sure you know your family and what's better and what's not.

I was just talking from a perspective of someone who's like that (needs to decompress after too much dealing with other people; recharge my engines so to speak). If someone doesn't understand that I usually try to explain. Most people have no problem with it, even if they can't really "understand" it, they'll take my word for it. Unless they're completely self-absorbed ninnies and take offense every time your attention is not 100% on them (I'm not talking about your daughter by any chance, but my ex... and some trolls on the Internet... :P)

I remember having a close friend in my first year and the university. I went home for a visit and my sister was too much so I called him and he came next day, even though he lived on the other side of the country, and it was very nice until he started following me everywhere, including the bathroom ("I just miss you so much"). I sat him for a talk, and said, "I'm going to go to the living room and sit there for a while and be with myself. I don't want to see any other living creature unless it's my cat. If I don't do that, this place is going to explode soon." He didn't have a problem with it.

As for dating websites, personally I'd never do that (or join any offline dating club). I need to meet a person on neutral ground first, where we don't feel the need to do "the mating dance." Get to know them as people they are every day and not think of them as possible partners right away. So for me joining a community with people who share my interests is a better way to meet people than joining dating clubs, etc. I remember my friend doing a lot of online dating, until she got raped. I guess some of those people assume you owe them sex after a few dates.

So if you decide to do it, ladies (and gents), be careful. I'm sure there are some wonderful people on those sites, but there are jerks and weirdos, too. And some probably really bad people too. Take your time to get to know someone you've met there as how you'd do in RL, but most of all, trust your gut feeling. It's usually, if not always, right.

WindSpirit
07-24-2010, 11:15 AM
Usually I really like my alone time, but I was very glad last night that my bf was around. There was a HONKING GIANT COCKROACH on the living room wall and even though my first reaction was to stay as far away from it as possible, my bf insisted on letting it outside. So he (and the kitten) chased it around the room while I was running away from it, being quite useless. :lol: He eventually got it outside and I clapped. You won't be clapping when it brings the whole family back. And then some. :scream:

PRlady
07-24-2010, 03:58 PM
Just be warned; this is what dating can lead to :P.

:P indeed. I try to remind myself frequently that being married was not all that great for me. I don't take well to domesticity, not because I can't share space or chores or money, but because it feels confining and boring. Now, maybe I just chose badly. Or maybe I'm not meant to be married, which is what I suspect.

My second husband, with whom I was involved for 17 years including an eight-year legal marriage, was great at giving me space. We even bought a house too big for us so that there would be "spheres of influence" for him, me and my then-teenaged daughter. Well, all that space equaled lack of any kind of intimacy, after a while we were more like roommates than anything else. It didn't work. I was really lonely.

So I jumped from that into a relationship with a man who was such a technicolor drama queen, so attentive to every nuance of my mood, so over-the-top emotionally and sexually, that I have to conclude that if we had ended up together I would have blown my brains out catering to the black hole of his neediness for attention and devotion. And this was mostly a long-distance relationship, decorated with twenty calls, emails and text messages a day, imagine what it would have been like living together! Even if the obsessiveness had worn off, the drama and possessiveness would have stayed.

It shouldn't be too difficult to find a middle ground between those two extremes, right? On Myers-Briggs tests I come out perfectly balanced between extrovert and introvert, that would seem to be an OK prescription for a relationship. But it's harder than I thought to find that balance and I don't know if I'll ever achieve it.