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Garden Kitty
06-26-2010, 12:52 AM
It's very likely that these people responded the way they did because they're unsure or dissatisfied with their own lives. They may have their own economic insecurities and want to diminish what you've accomplished with your job and getting accepted into a PhD program.

However, none of that excuses their behavior or their comments to you. When you share good news, it's reasonable to expect that your family and friends will be happy for you and support your efforts. It's possible they thought they were being helpful, even though you didn't ask for their advice. I wouldn't completely cut them out, but I'd limit the personal details I share with them.

Congrats!

Norlite
06-26-2010, 01:03 AM
Remember, you have relatives, and then you have "family." They don't need to be the same people.


Truer words were never spoken. I'm never sure why more people don't seem to understand this.



Congrats on your program acceptance!

shan
06-26-2010, 04:52 AM
:cheer2: Congrats on the PhD program!!!

kwanfan1818
06-26-2010, 05:04 AM
Congrats on being accepted into the PhD program :respec:

Anti-:respec: to the family from which you came, which is acting like a cult.

:cheer2: that your husband, the family that you chose and created, has your back.

Japanfan
06-26-2010, 07:10 AM
Congratulations from me as well Artistic Fan.

Don't let your family's bad behaviour ruin the pride and pleasure you take in your accomplishment.

It is your family, not you, who is being selfish.

snoopy
06-26-2010, 04:16 PM
It's very likely that these people responded the way they did because they're unsure or dissatisfied with their own lives.

ITA with this in a sense though I don't think it is necessarily because they are dissatisfied but just want to affirm their own choices.

Right after college, friends made all kinds of assumptions about me that led to some rude comments that I wanted to be a selfish career woman and didn't want kids. It wasn't true, and I have no idea where they got that from, except that I did have a career. But really what I found was that their comments were really about reassuring themselves about THEIR OWN choices. 80% of the stuff people say has nothing to do with the object of the comments and all to do with people's own mind games with themselves.

TAHbKA
06-26-2010, 05:12 PM
Congrats on the PhD!

As for those who want grandchildren - offer them to have more children and ask those other children to give them grandchildren (yes, having this issue with my mother. Always tell her to ask her other daughter to have children. Oh, she doesn't have another daughter? well, tough)

PDilemma
06-26-2010, 05:29 PM
I was just accepted into a Master's Program. When I posted on Facebook, most friends were incredibly supportive. However, a few with kids had to post a diatribe about how I can do this because I don't have kids and they can't do any such thing because they do have kids and one even went so far as to say that I am "lucky I have no idea what sacrifice is" since I don't have kids. That woman has two kids in school and her facebook page seems to indicate that she sleeps until 9 every morning while her husband takes them to school then plays Farmville all day. So I guess what's stopping her from pursuing more education is that no one offers a degree in Farmville.

My take on these people: they are jealous that you have the freedom and the GUTS to go back to school. And the second one is a bigger deal than the first. I'll be working two jobs while doing my degree and raiding my retirement fund to pay for it--and making less money than I did before, plenty of sacrifice. These people probably have the means to do it if they wanted to, they just don't have the courage to take the leap and do it.

So my advice is...laugh at them. They are pathetic!

kwanfan1818
06-26-2010, 06:28 PM
But really what I found was that their comments were really about reassuring themselves about THEIR OWN choices. 80% of the stuff people say has nothing to do with the object of the comments and all to do with people's own mind games with themselves.
This must be the corollary to what I heard for the first time in a class at the Justice Institute of British Columbia earlier in the week in the context of unmet needs/interests: when people are yelling, they're not yelling at you, they're yelling for themselves.

slicekw
06-26-2010, 06:58 PM
ArtisticFan
Congrats on getting into the program and having a supportive husband urging you to attend!
The family brouhaha will subside, especially if you concentrate on your home life with your husband. That life says to attend school, from what you have told us. Go! Try! You do not want to be plagued by "whatif"s when you are older. And good luck. :cheer2:

overedge
06-26-2010, 08:22 PM
IThat woman has two kids in school and her facebook page seems to indicate that she sleeps until 9 every morning while her husband takes them to school then plays Farmville all day. So I guess what's stopping her from pursuing more education is that no one offers a degree in Farmville.


Oh, please, don't give Facebook any more ideas....

skatak
06-26-2010, 10:05 PM
Congratulations to you, future 'Dr ArtisticFan' ! :cheer2:

LordCirque
06-27-2010, 01:14 AM
Get a new family and new friends and enjoy Grad School. You don't need unsupportive people in your life.

berthesghost
06-27-2010, 04:30 PM
can I ask you something? is this about religion? i only ask because i come from a very big family, and there's a big fraction that has been "born again" because they were too stupid to get it right the first time i guess. i avoid these people because their new found godiness has made them all intolerable my-way-or-the-highway blowhards. i just focus on the "normal" ones who are left.

I guess the only other question i have is why do you care what they think? they seem like small minded bullies. other than this one issue, are you very close with them? otherwise, do they really have opinions that you respect? if you're really comfortable with your decision, why does their reaction bother you so much?

ArtisticFan
06-27-2010, 05:14 PM
can I ask you something? is this about religion?

My family is Jewish and the majority came to the US from Russia in the 90s or before. Education and even careers aren't really the priority of most of them. I accept and acknowledge that. I wouldn't have made an annoucement of my plans to them at a family event. I know that they wouldn't care or would be critical...how many degrees do you need? do you think you are smarter than everybody else?

I made the post to respond to two things.

1. Some professors and former co-workers who were aware of my plans had been posting questions on my page about if I had been accepted or encouraging me. They were vague things so I knew I needed to respond so I'd stop getting e-mails asking what was going on.

2. My friends, supporters, etc. are spread wide and far around the world. I thought FB would be a good way to make the announcement and hit all of them at the same time. I know now I should have just e-mailed those who were in the know, but we live and learn.


I guess the only other question i have is why do you care what they think? they seem like small minded bullies. other than this one issue, are you very close with them? otherwise, do they really have opinions that you respect? if you're really comfortable with your decision, why does their reaction bother you so much?

My mother's siblings and their families are or have the appearance of being close. They get together frequently and call constantly. I've been on the fringes of that since I was in my late teens/early 20s. While I am happy with my life choices, it always hurts some when a large group (8 aunts and uncles 30-plus other relatives) treat you as an outcast for things like going to college, not marrying the first guy I ever dated, not having children, living in different cities, traveling somewhere other than the beach, having a career and not working as a cashier or garbage truck driver, etc.

The situation has been building for more than 14 years. While I want to like them, I find myself getting hurt when I try to get close to any of them. Maybe it is being an only child myself, but I know that some day my parents will die. These people are my one link to having blood relatives.

To be clear. My mother and father are wonderful people. They aren't educated themselves, but have always been open to me trying my hand at academics and other ventures. They don't pressure me about grandchildren and are aware of my medical issues that prevent me from having kids. They also know how I feel about these aunts, uncles, and cousins. However, they often say I'm overreacting to the berating I get from them.

This latest thing over me going back to school is just the straw that broke the camel's back. I have put up with the insults, the looks, the rumors, and all of that. I guess I'm just tired of it. I don't want to try to forgive and forget. They have proven to me who they are. Despite the blood flowing in our veins, I have come to realize that I just don't like them as people.