View Full Version : Going back to school and family drama - need advice

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06-25-2010, 09:36 AM
ArtisticFan, congratulations for the PhD program!
It only your and your husband´s decision to have or not to have children, nobody else´s. You are not the one who is selfish here.

06-25-2010, 12:12 PM
Congrats on getting into a PhD program! I'm with everyone else, live for yourself and your husband...not your "family". Good luck.

06-25-2010, 12:23 PM
Congrats. I, too, come from a family that has it's share of insensitive, boorish clods. There are quite a few cousins, but only my family and one aunt's stressed education. My mother and that aunt were considered "uppity" and any achievements of their children "a waste of time and money." Well, 30 years later, the uppity ones are still in pretty good shape - 4 of 5 still married to their original spouses, 5 of 5 in decent, but not spectacular, financial shape. As for the other cousins, most are on their third marriages and most living paycheck to paycheck. I guess "uppity" has it's advantages.

06-25-2010, 12:31 PM
I would just tell them all to mind their own g-d business, in very loud and firm tones. It's your life, no one else's.

06-25-2010, 12:32 PM
Well done on getting into the program :cheer:
It's great that your husband is supportive :)

I also get in trouble with my family for my facebook posts, sometimes completely banal ones. I posted somewhere I was fed up waiting for the postman.... I got a massive rant from my mum claiming I was informing the world of my lazyness, I should be at work and not waiting for the postman, and I shouldn't share such details of my private life.

Some people are simply not comfortable with the internet culture of sharing your feelings in public. My parents are very, very uncomfortable that I tell the world about my life, especially when it comes to good news. Hugs to you, don't let them drag you down!

06-25-2010, 01:24 PM
Its so hard to grow up, let go and be your own person. In my 30's I did things out of guilt and what I thought was obligation to my parent.

In my 40's I had no choice to the burden of obligations since my parent became disabled.

In my 50's I wonder what I was thinking in my 30's, and accepted what I must do in my 40's. ;)

Live your life in YOUR direction, be polite to those who disagree and end relationships that you must. Your parents want to be grandparents its natural and sadly no matter how you explain it they won't understand...so move on!

06-25-2010, 01:27 PM
Be like the rest of us FSUers are tell them to piss off. I dare you to post 'Piss off' as your facebook status.

I still like this idea. I know it's probably not feasible, but :lol:. At the very least, kick them the hell off your Facebook page.

And congratulations on getting into the program.

06-25-2010, 02:26 PM
You can put all of these family members into a group on Facebook and then keep them from seeing your updates, or block them individually. Here is a video (http://www.wonderhowto.com/how-to-stop-friend-from-seeing-your-facebook-updates-351075/) on how to do this.

Also, when you post a comment, there is usually a little drop down menu with a lock (appears next to the "Share" button) that allows you to control who sees that particular post. This is helpful when you want to keep certain folks :sekret: from seeing your posts but you don't want to de-friend them and have them know about it.

(((ArtisticFan))) and good luck!

06-25-2010, 03:26 PM
Pity you can't apply for new 'family and friends' online.
Congratulations on your course.

Applauding both of these thoughts!

06-25-2010, 03:46 PM
Your family and friends aren't the ones who would 1) be putting the effort into the degree or 2) caring for the child that they seem to want you to have. Your family members are the ones who are "selfish" if they seem to think that it's within their rights to tell you when and if you should have children. No one has an "obligation" to have children, but you do have an obligation to yourself and your husband to make your lives as happy and fulfilling for yourselves as possible.

I don't think that you're overreacting either, but I also don't suggest completely and totally cutting off your family. That's what that my mother did with her siblings, and I think that it's something that she's come to regret, even though their relationship was strained. However, I would make it clear that you think that they are being out of line, and I definitely think that you're justified in creating some serious distance between you and them. I'm also a believer in the idea that friends are the family that you chose, and it sounds like you have a group who have their heads on straight. If you're going to be treated badly when you go to family events, don't go and spend that time with friends who you actually like being with and who support you.

On another note, congrats on the PhD program! That's an amazing accomplishment, and it's sad that your family cannot see how proud they should be to be related to someone so intelligent.

06-25-2010, 04:31 PM
Congrats on getting into the program. :cheer:

If your husband (who seems awesome :) ) is supportive and is agreement with you about having children, who else's opinion would be more important than his?

Seriously, people need to mind their own business. I believe that the decision to have children (or how many, while we are at it) should stay between the married couple. After all, they are who will be raising and supporting the child.

At least you know who to delete off your Facebook friend list if you want to.

06-25-2010, 06:16 PM
I'll agree with what others have said ^^

Remember, you have relatives, and then you have "family." They don't need to be the same people. I've got a lot of relatives, but only a few that I consider "family."

06-25-2010, 06:31 PM
ArtisticFan -- congratulations on getting into the PhD program. And sympathy for the boorish comments some of your family made.

We didn't have a child for quite a while after we married, though we wanted one sooner, and the comments and prods we got from family members were also painful. It has taught me not to ask couples what their plans are, and I wish others would follow that same approach.

06-25-2010, 10:06 PM
WOW. I dont even know what to say. I can tell you that i am over 100% sure if I posted that on facebook I would have nothing but support, and I am 33 married and have no children yet. As for the self validation thing...I don't think it seems like that at all. Sounds like people are jealous. Please do what is right for you. I am actually almost upset by your post becuase I cannot believe those people are so selfish.

I would keep posting facebook updates LOL and when someone writes something like that just write back "oh thanks for the input but I was not looking for advice or opinions...just sharing something that I thought was exciting" and then DELETE them all. muhahahahha.

06-26-2010, 12:31 AM
Congrats on the Ph.D. program and condolences on having family members that are jerks.

I long ago learned to tune out family members who disapproved of my career plans and decision not to have children. I also cut a very cruel and toxic family member out of my life and never regretted it. But, for the most part, I think annoying or obnoxious family members are just a part of life. :lol: