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Anita18
06-12-2010, 02:26 AM
I disagree that the issue of whether a couple marries or not is totally personal. It is actually a matter of public and academic interest and study.

I work in family research and universities and governments are always studying and compiling information on marriages, divorces and other relationship forms because it is valuable public knowledge.

In recent years we have seen a huge increase in the amount of couples who move in together without getting married and who have children outside of marriage. Many studies and statistics show that it is often not a good idea to live together before marriage or have children outside of marriage because it is a less stable relationship. For example, a lot of young couples of today's generation aren't aware that living together before marriage often increases your risk of splitting up.
Has it been determined why that is? One would think that a tryout (so to say) would be a good idea.

Heck, the grad student here said the first year she lived with her husband-to-be, they got on each other's nerves and fought ALL the time. Eventually they worked it out and got married and are still happily so. I can't imagine having to figure out the living together thing while having to live up to the label of "being married" at the same time.

DickButtonFan
06-12-2010, 02:33 AM
Has it been determined why that is? One would think that a tryout (so to say) would be a good idea.

Heck, the grad student here said the first year she lived with her husband-to-be, they got on each other's nerves and fought ALL the time. Eventually they worked it out and got married and are still happily so. I can't imagine having to figure out the living together thing while having to live up to the label of "being married" at the same time.

Because it's easier to just leave since the couple is not yet married. Also if someone isn't ready to commit in the first place, what's to say they will later, it's probably less likely they ever will.

Anita18
06-12-2010, 02:47 AM
Because it's easier to just leave since the couple is not yet married. Also if someone isn't ready to commit in the first place, what's to say they will later, it's probably less likely they ever will.
I thought the study The Observer was referring to involved couples who live together before getting married, meaning that they later married and then divorced.

One would think that living together before getting married meant you could work out the logistics of living together without the whole commitment (what that's worth nowadays :lol: ) of being married. And then once you worked that out, marriage would be a piece of cake. But apparently not.

DickButtonFan
06-12-2010, 02:58 AM
Oh, ok I misunderstood.

Then, I think maybe those that live together when not married, and then marry later would be more likely to divorce because of that liberal idea of living together while unmarried. Maybe if you're willing to live together unmarried you find divorce not so taboo either. There's maybe not a respect of marriage?

MacMadame
06-12-2010, 04:10 AM
For example, a lot of young couples of today's generation aren't aware that living together before marriage often increases your risk of splitting up.
That's because it's not actually true. It's been reported in the media that way, but, if you look at the studies, you don't see strong support for that conclusion.

As for me, I think plenty of things that aren't technically my business are still interesting and therefore I chose to discuss them.

Theatregirl1122
06-12-2010, 04:28 AM
For example, a lot of young couples of today's generation aren't aware that living together before marriage often increases your risk of splitting up.

I think there is a correlation/causation confusion in this statement.

Norlite
06-12-2010, 04:38 AM
There's maybe not a respect of marriage?


And...

Being divorced does not equal disrepect of marriage.

ChiquitaBanana
06-12-2010, 04:44 AM
If you cannot resolve your issues while living with someone ona free union, I don't see how a piece of paper called marriage would make the couple more "efficient".

If your couple doesn't work on a daily basis and you feel stuck in this situation as you chose to get married, the couple won't divorce, but it won't make the relationship any better.

It is common practice here to live with somoneone before getting married and I'd guess it is socially advised. If it has not to work, it's better not to work before commiting. Loving tenderly someone on a dating basis is not the same as learning to live with someone on a daily basis.

zilam98
06-12-2010, 05:04 AM
if all this david-tessa thing is true, then people should stop wondering where she got her recent "glow" (that people have been commenting on lately) from;)

DickButtonFan
06-12-2010, 05:09 AM
And...

Being divorced does not equal disrepect of marriage.

Well, that's your opinion.

Prancer
06-12-2010, 05:23 AM
That's because it's not actually true. It's been reported in the media that way, but, if you look at the studies, you don't see strong support for that conclusion.

Well, statistically, it IS the case that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not, even allowing for religious differences.

That does not, however, mean that individual couples who live together before marriage are putting themselves at higher risk of divorce. Statistics don't work that way.


I think there is a correlation/causation confusion in this statement.

Indeed. No study has ever concluded that living together before marriage causes divorce.


One would think that living together before getting married meant you could work out the logistics of living together without the whole commitment (what that's worth nowadays :lol: ) of being married. And then once you worked that out, marriage would be a piece of cake. But apparently not.

A lot of people think that, but I think that oversimplifies the whole issue of living together, married or not. You don't learn to live together once and that's it; people change, relationships shift, and most romantic relationships end. Even the ones that don't tend to ebb and flow over years. People are complex; there's a lot more to work out than just logistics, which is really the easiest part of it all.

I think the whole idea of living together as a trial run for marriage is bizarre myself, but I think that's just me.


Well, that's your opinion.

As opposed to yours being....something else?

Again, I think it way oversimplifies marriage to say that people divorce because they don't respect marriage. If things were only so easy.

Japanfan
06-12-2010, 07:46 AM
Well, statistically, it IS the case that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not, even allowing for religious differences.


Might this be because couples who live together are less bound by convention than couples who don't? And therefore more likely to divorce than suffer in silence if a marriage doesn't work out as hoped.



A lot of people think that, but I think that oversimplifies the whole issue of living together, married or not. You don't learn to live together once and that's it; people change, relationships shift, and most romantic relationships end. Even the ones that don't tend to ebb and flow over years. People are complex; there's a lot more to work out than just logistics, which is really the easiest part of it all.


I don't thing it is possible to make a clear set of rules about what works for a relationship versus what doesn't with regard to things such as living together before marriage or not, number of relationship before marriage, and other such factors. As you point out, people are complex.

Prancer
06-12-2010, 08:06 AM
Might this be because couples who live together are less bound by convention than couples who don't? And therefore more likely to divorce than suffer in silence if a marriage doesn't work out as hoped.

It might be. It might not be. AFAIK, no one has really come up with any sort of thesis on the issue. There are quite a few ideas, but most of them seem to me to be based on a lot of assumptions about why people make the choices they do regarding marrying, not marrying, divorcing, and not divorcing.

Divorce is, after all, not exactly an unconventional act in Western society; it's completely mainstream and, while there is still some stigma attached in some subcultures, there are few corners of Western society where divorce is simply unheard of.

bbkenn
06-12-2010, 08:16 AM
I feel sad that it did not work out. :(

VIETgrlTerifa
06-12-2010, 11:12 AM
Well, that's your opinion.

Well, just because a couple stays married doesn't necessarily mean that they truly respect the institution or at least commitment either.