PDA

View Full Version : Question regarding grandkids



Pages : [1] 2

skateboy
05-12-2010, 08:03 AM
My oldest sister, who is twelve years older than I am, became a grandmother for the first time, over a year ago. I swear, this has brought out something in her that has made the whole family miserable. (By the way, my sister has always seemed to be a reasonable and stable person--until now.)

Of course, we all love the new baby, but my sister's love for her grandchild has gotten way out of control. For one, she's horribly jealous of the other grandmother. Also, my sister goes ballistic if she doesn't see the baby for even four or five days. She spent months talking about how she was going to have Christmas Eve "for the baby," putting up hundreds of dollars of decorations (she told her daughter nothing about these plans). Well, my niece (her daughter) ended up not coming to her house for Christmas Eve, because the baby was crying so much at home she dared not take him out. My sister went crazy over this, and basically ruined everyone's Christmas because of it, bitching and sulking about it for days. Didn't matter that she got to spend all of Christmas Day with daughter and baby, there was no pleasing her.

My sister has said that her life is crap, but that the new grandchild is "the one bright spot that makes living worthwhile." The fact is, she has a good marriage, a good job, loyal friends and a beautiful home. 80% of conversations with her are about the baby. Now she's convinced that her son-in-law is trying to keep her from seeing the baby (he isn't), and she's constantly saying, "I have a right to see my own grandson!"

Obviously, she has issues! But I have two questions.

1) Does she have a right to see her grandson? I mean, she's not his mother. She already sees him a minimum of once a week, sometimes more--we all live in the same area. It's not as if she needs visitation rights...

2) Have any of you dealt with anyone like this? I love my sister, but she's become such a mess over this, and she's become a total drag to be around. Frankly, I don't know why she even has a problem, but she obviously has a big one, that should be dealt with through psychiatric care (although I know she would never go).

Thanks in advance for any insights.

BigB08822
05-12-2010, 08:07 AM
I don't think she has any rights to her grandchild, not legally.

It just sounds like she is a proud grandmother who has gone a little, or a lot, over the edge. It happens! Maybe it will wear off as the child gets older or if other grandchildren come into the picture?

MOIJTO
05-12-2010, 12:51 PM
Ah, Grannie Lust!

Obviously something is missing from her life for her to have such a rabid desire to be with her grandchild.

Skate Talker
05-12-2010, 04:36 PM
I knew a family once were there was lots of competition over the first grandson/nephew, who could outspend who on Christmas presents, whose outfit the kid would wear first, etc. But then again I would have to say the whole family struggled in the intellectual department and they were at least all of the same mind about it so it "worked" for them.

Your sister is obviously not in that category. This is going to eat her up and poison her family relationships forever is she doesn't see the light. Could it really make things any worse for you in the long run if you bluntly tell her that? She is going to lose all of you - sounds like she is starting to lose your respect and can only be alienating her daughter and eventually grandchild too. Someone needs to try to make her see sense.

Okay that is definitely a lot easier for me to say than for you to do, but please think about it seriously for everyone's sake. Are there other members of the family you can enlist for an intervention? This should be a happy time for everyone and it makes me so sad to hear.

arena_gal
05-12-2010, 04:42 PM
Obviously something is missing from her life for her to have such a rabid desire to be with her grandchild.


Agree.

Edit, oh never mind. The story is too long. Deep deep crazy family issues in the dark recesses of my cousins, there are.

PDilemma
05-12-2010, 05:04 PM
You know what? Leave her alone. It will settle as the kid gets older or gets siblings and cousins. And at least she wants to love her grandchild. My cousin's wife is still heartbroken over her mother refusing to come and see them when their daughter was born. She even said no when they offered to pay her expenses (and she didn't work, so it wasn't a time off issue--she simply had no desire to see her new grandchild). The little girl is nearly 8, and barely has a relationship with this grandmother who didn't see her until she was 2 1/2 and didn't care then.

And who has to stay home because a baby is crying? That's what they do. Part of me doesn't blame grandma for being upset at that excuse. If baby wasn't sick and just fussing or crying...you go because it's Christmas eve. And if you need to go home early or take the baby into another room, you do that. We've had many a crying baby at family events and no one ever got bent out of shape or felt they had to stay home.

Aceon6
05-12-2010, 05:11 PM
How about an adult conversation that starts like this "I know you're really happy to finally have a grandchild to fuss over. Unfortunately, everyone else feels the same. There's only so much of the little guy to go around. Can we talk about a way to manage visits so that everyone can see him regularly?"

agalisgv
05-12-2010, 05:17 PM
And who has to stay home because a baby is crying? That's the parents' call, and they made it. Some parents find it extremely stressful to have to pack up a baby to go out for a social event when the baby is fussing a lot. The parents are there to care for the baby, and if they believe staying home is in the baby's best interests, that decision should be respected.

I think MOIJTO had it right--if the baby is the only good thing grandma has going on, then there is some real lack of fulfillment in her life. Her marriage may not be as good as it appears, and she may be not happy at work either. If she says the baby is the only bright spot in her life, I think skateboy could ask why? What is happening in her life that she takes no joy in anything?

El Rey
05-12-2010, 06:04 PM
If my sister were acting like that, I would tell her "you're being a crazy B*$CH!" But that's just the way I handle things :shuffle:

El Rey
05-12-2010, 06:07 PM
And who has to stay home because a baby is crying? That's what they do. Part of me doesn't blame grandma for being upset at that excuse. If baby wasn't sick and just fussing or crying...you go because it's Christmas eve. And if you need to go home early or take the baby into another room, you do that. We've had many a crying baby at family events and no one ever got bent out of shape or felt they had to stay home.

She never told her daughter that she had spent lots of money on decorations and that she was planning this as a big event for the baby. I can't stand a crying baby. I say the mother has good manners.

BigB08822
05-12-2010, 06:19 PM
I think the mother thought she was doing a nice thing by keeping the crying baby at home. If she had known how much trouble the grandmother had gone through, and how much money had been spent, perhaps she wouldn't have canceled. As it is, they spent Christmas day together so what's the big deal? So they saw your hard work 12 hours later than planned, not a big problem!!

talldrink
05-12-2010, 09:13 PM
So, your sister spent alot of money on decorations for the BABY? He doesn't know or care about that right now!

Patsy
05-12-2010, 09:22 PM
Just a thought . . . . has menopause hit big time perhaps?

Catherine M
05-12-2010, 09:28 PM
I have a friend whose family had a similar happening. first grand child was treated like a little princess by the paternal grandparents and Aunt, always wanting to be with her, stopping by unannounced to see her, etc. Major presents at her first Christmas and birthday.

Baby's father finally had to sit his family down and say "No more" to the unannounced visits, over the top presents, etc. It caused some hard feelings but eventually everyone worked things out.

So unless your sister gets a sit down from her daughter, I don't see things changing.

heckles
05-12-2010, 09:51 PM
I don't think she has any rights to her grandchild, not legally.

Assuming that Skateboy is in the US, the Supreme Court struck down automatic "grandparents' rights" in 2000 with Troxel v. Granville. It's now very difficult in most states for a grandparent to argue for visitation "rights", especially if the biological parents are living, still married to each other, and if the child never lived with the grandparent in question.