PDA

View Full Version : Etiquette for Destination Weddings



Pages : 1 2 3 4 5 [6] 7

PDilemma
06-21-2010, 02:48 PM
I can't ever imagine expecting my friends to shell out their money to travel somewhere for MY wedding.

Do all of your friends live next door to you? Because no one traveling is a virtual impossibility unless you turn your wedding into a caravan around the country with multiple ceremonies in multiple cities.

All of my husband's groomsmen lived out of state and had to travel to our hometown wedding last summer. None of them were upset.

I was maid of honor in a wedding in Taos, New Mexico once which the groom's family considered a destination wedding, overlooking the fact that Taos is the bride's hometown and the wedding took place in the church she grew up attending. I was not upset about traveling. And I made about $15,000 a year back then.

I did not find planning a wedding that stressful in itself--as in arranging the ceremony and reception. It was people being ridiculous that stressed me out. I don't get why someone else's wedding automatically turns some people into whining self-centered morons. We had a relative demanding to dictate the guest list (so she could remove people she didn't want to see--we solved that problem by not inviting her); we had a maid of honor upset that I wouldn't pick out everything for her right down to the color of polish on her toenails; we had two random guests upset that they were going to be fed a buffet dinner for free....and on and on. That was the stress.

Oh...and to whoever just gave a gift for an April wedding. No worries there. We just got a gift for our wedding a couple of days ago and our first anniversary was three weeks ago. You're not late!!

Ziggy
06-21-2010, 03:20 PM
:lol: We get it, Ziggy. You're unconventional, mad, zany and completely outrageous. You soar above the masses and yet somehow you come off as a boor. Why is that?

Because you're too much of a simpleton to function at my level of awesomness. :P :cool:


If find all these wedding threads somehow depressing. There is always so much etiquette and "this is tacky" and "they don't know better" and "how can they expect this and that" etc. Somehow, a wedding seems to be such a stressful time for everyone, guests involved and most of all a time where breaches of etiquettes seem to really offend others.

[...]

The next wedding coming up is a simple beach party with barbecue. I will make the wedding cake which will surely be tilted and not very elegant but baked with all my heart. Others will bring salads and I am sure we will have a great time. I wish all weddings were like that instead of being often stiff and full of etiquette and more or less pissed or drunk people. :lol:

That's exactly how I feel about this. I just don't get how you could willingly go into all these lengths to turn what is supposed to be "the most beautiful day of your life" into stressfull hell. :scream:

Just because everybody else tortures themselves this way too? :P


Do all of your friends live next door to you? Because no one traveling is a virtual impossibility unless you turn your wedding into a caravan around the country with multiple ceremonies in multiple cities.

Fair point but there is a difference between people travelling to your home city and being forced to pretty much buy into some package holiday to Hawaii. ;)

PDilemma
06-21-2010, 04:27 PM
That's exactly how I feel about this. I just don't get how you could willingly go into all these lengths to turn what is supposed to be "the most beautiful day of your life" into stressfull hell. :scream:

Just because everybody else tortures themselves this way too? :P

Again, ceremony, reception, dress, tuxes...no real stress there. It was self-centered guests and whining attendants that caused the stress. And, setting aside bridezillas, that seems to be the cause of stress for most people I've known when they are planning their weddings. Perhaps if friends and family could bring themselves to act like grown-ups, weddings would not be so stressful.

And as a person of faith, I didn't want to get married on a beach or in a backyard or a park. I wanted to get married in my church; I know it's hard to comprehend in today's world, but there are still a lot of people who feel that way about it. And I don't really see how it is so much nicer and more polite to ask your guests to bring the food than it is to provide it for them. People who get pissed off over a free meal really confuse me.

Ziggy
06-21-2010, 04:46 PM
Again, ceremony, reception, dress, tuxes...no real stress there. It was self-centered guests and whining attendants that caused the stress. And, setting aside bridezillas, that seems to be the cause of stress for most people I've known when they are planning their weddings. Perhaps if friends and family could bring themselves to act like grown-ups, weddings would not be so stressful.

Ergo, there is stress. ;)


And as a person of faith, I didn't want to get married on a beach or in a backyard or a park. I wanted to get married in my church; I know it's hard to comprehend in today's world, but there are still a lot of people who feel that way about it.

That is totally understandable but the marriage ceremony itself and the wedding party that happens afterwards are two different things.


And I don't really see how it is so much nicer and more polite to ask your guests to bring the food than it is to provide it for them. People who get pissed off over a free meal really confuse me.

If you bring your own food, you are taking responsibility for it. You become somebody who takes part in organising the wedding. Which is very different to coming somewhere expecting to be given things.

So that takes us back to the point you made about self-centred guests. By getting them involved with the process, you make such behaviour much less likely.

PDilemma
06-21-2010, 04:55 PM
That is totally understandable but the marriage ceremony itself and the wedding party that happens afterwards are two different things.



If you bring your own food, you are taking responsibility for it. You become somebody who takes part in organising the wedding. Which is very different to coming somewhere expecting to be given things.

So that takes us back to the point you made about self-centred guests. By getting them involved with the process, you make such behaviour much less likely.

Here's the thing, though. My wedding day was not stressful. Not at all. You all keep telling us that every bride and groom you've ever met spent their day being stressed--too bad for them. I wasn't at all, not for a single second.

As for guests...I was raised to believe that whether you've invited people to a wedding or to the house for coffee and a cookie, you don't then expect them to bring the food.

Sorry, ziggy, I am not going to concede that a) other people's complete lack of manners (i.e. "I need to see your guest list and tell you who to take off of it or I won't come") or b) our graciousness in providing dinner after our ceremony makes us bad people or was all our fault.

And turn off Bridezillas already.

Hedwig
06-21-2010, 04:58 PM
Again, ceremony, reception, dress, tuxes...no real stress there. It was self-centered guests and whining attendants that caused the stress. And, setting aside bridezillas, that seems to be the cause of stress for most people I've known when they are planning their weddings. Perhaps if friends and family could bring themselves to act like grown-ups, weddings would not be so stressful.

And as a person of faith, I didn't want to get married on a beach or in a backyard or a park. I wanted to get married in my church; I know it's hard to comprehend in today's world, but there are still a lot of people who feel that way about it. And I don't really see how it is so much nicer and more polite to ask your guests to bring the food than it is to provide it for them. People who get pissed off over a free meal really confuse me.
I agree about guests and often the family being the most stressful people in the wedding by having fixed ideas about what the couple should do
and not taking into account the wishes of the couple.

I have nothing against church weddings if that is what the couple wants.

"more polite"? I never said that it is more polite to let the guests bring the food. my initial comment in fact was on the contrary that I hate all the discussions about what is the right etiquette and what one should or shouldnt do at weddings is what makes me weary most.

I like the beach party idea because that is what kind of people they are. a very formal black tie event would be awful for them especially if they have to be in the center of attention all the time instead of rocking to music on the beach. but if they had wanted to do a formal wedding with horse cars or whatnot that would have been great too if that woild have been what they wanted and if they hadnt been pressured into it!

toepick
06-21-2010, 05:06 PM
Syracuse to NYC is a destination? :rofl: That's, what, a 3-hour drive? It's even close enough that she could take a train down.


Yeah, no kidding. Most people from the 'Cuse ARE taking the train though one couple is driving and another is flying.

PDilemma
06-21-2010, 05:11 PM
I agree about guests and often the family being the most stressful people in the wedding by having fixed ideas about what the couple should do
and not taking into account the wishes of the couple.

I have nothing against church weddings if that is what the couple wants.

"more polite"? I never said that it is more polite to let the guests bring the food. my initial comment in fact was on the contrary that I hate all the discussions about what is the right etiquette and what one should or shouldnt do at weddings is what makes me weary most.

I like the beach party idea because that is what kind of people they are. a very formal black tie event would be awful for them especially if they have to be in the center of attention all the time instead of rocking to music on the beach. but if they had wanted to do a formal wedding with horse cars or whatnot that would have been great too if that woild have been what they wanted and if they hadnt been pressured into it!

But there is a place between black tie with horses and carriages and a beach party. And therein lies the problem in these threads. Everyone seems to assume there is no space between a $20,000 wedding ala reality television and getting married in a pair of cutoffs in the backyard. What's up with that? What kind of weddings are all of you going to????? Or is everyone just watching too many wedding shows?

Almost every wedding I've been to--including my own-- has been solidly in the space between. We drove my now traded in Pontiac with 100,000+ miles from the church to the reception, our guests barely met the official etiquette criteria of semi-formal which was fine, and we had a meat and potatoes type buffet at the local golf club and a two hour dance with a DJ. It all cost around $5000--including everything down to the attendants gifts, rehearsal dinner and photography. We spent $3 on centerpieces. All of them not $3 each but $3 total. My in-laws spent $0 for decorations for the rehearsal dinner--and it was decorated. I'm not kidding.

heckles
06-21-2010, 05:48 PM
Fair point but there is a difference between people travelling to your home city and being forced to pretty much buy into some package holiday to Hawaii.

Sure, but I'd rather travel to a wedding in a beautiful, entertaining location like Hawaii than schlep to the groom's hometown in some boring, ugly-ass place like Indiana.

Civic
06-21-2010, 06:23 PM
But there is a place between black tie with horses and carriages and a beach party. And therein lies the problem in these threads. Everyone seems to assume there is no space between a $20,000 wedding ala reality television and getting married in a pair of cutoffs in the backyard. What's up with that? What kind of weddings are all of you going to????? Or is everyone just watching too many wedding shows?

I've wondered the same thing. My niece's wedding last August cost a little over $6,0000. That figure included the cost of her dress and accessories, the venue, minister, deejay, wedding cake and buffet dinner for 106 guests. It was in the evening so most of the men wore suits and ties while most of the women wore nice dresses. A few (myself included) wore cocktail dresses.

Edited to add: I don't know that many families who would be willing to spend $20,000 on a wedding. Some of my college classmates might but most of the people I grew up with or currently work with? No way.

Karina1974
06-21-2010, 06:46 PM
Syracuse to NYC is a destination? :rofl: That's, what, a 3-hour drive? It's even close enough that she could take a train down.



It's a lot longer than 3 hours. Albany to NYC alone is 3 hours, and Syracuse is a lot farther west from Albany, about another 100 miles or so (Albany being the point where you stop going east and start heading south).

Anita18
06-21-2010, 06:53 PM
But there is a place between black tie with horses and carriages and a beach party. And therein lies the problem in these threads. Everyone seems to assume there is no space between a $20,000 wedding ala reality television and getting married in a pair of cutoffs in the backyard. What's up with that? What kind of weddings are all of you going to????? Or is everyone just watching too many wedding shows?

Almost every wedding I've been to--including my own-- has been solidly in the space between. We drove my now traded in Pontiac with 100,000+ miles from the church to the reception, our guests barely met the official etiquette criteria of semi-formal which was fine, and we had a meat and potatoes type buffet at the local golf club and a two hour dance with a DJ. It all cost around $5000--including everything down to the attendants gifts, rehearsal dinner and photography. We spent $3 on centerpieces. All of them not $3 each but $3 total. My in-laws spent $0 for decorations for the rehearsal dinner--and it was decorated. I'm not kidding.
Sounds like a great wedding!

I think the issue with weddings is that the "ideal wedding" IS so marketed - even if you want to do something small and casual, there will be a relative or family friend who thinks you're doing it all wrong and will interpret it as a personal affront. I'm sure if I followed through with my elopement idea, my parents would be over the moon but my aunt likely wouldn't speak to me for the rest of my life. :rofl:

Civic
06-21-2010, 07:06 PM
Sounds like a great wedding!

I think the issue with weddings is that the "ideal wedding" IS so marketed - even if you want to do something small and casual, there will be a relative or family friend who thinks you're doing it all wrong and will interpret it as a personal affront. I'm sure if I followed through with my elopement idea, my parents would be over the moon but my aunt likely wouldn't speak to me for the rest of my life. :rofl:

I think PDDilemma's point is that "small and casual" or "$20,000 wedding" aren't a couple's only options.

bobalina77
06-21-2010, 07:16 PM
Fair point but there is a difference between people travelling to your home city and being forced to pretty much buy into some package holiday to Hawaii. ;)

Who's being forced? If they can't afford to go then don't go. You also don't have to stay in the hotel the wedding is taking place or buy into a "package holiday". When we went to Hawaii for my BFF's wedding a bunch of us rented a house for 10 days and bought our own food. We had a blast.. and it was a good excuse to take a holiday we otherwise never would have taken. There are more cost effective ways to do a destination wedding.

mon125
06-21-2010, 07:20 PM
I'm hearing major griping from one of my BEST FRIENDS of 20-something years who still lives in Syracuse about my "destination" wedding (which is what she calls it) However, I also think the bride and groom can't win in every case. I mean, no matter where you have a wedding someone is going to complain (and forget that maybe it is not all about them). Likely (as I have learned) the complainers are usually the ones who have the least to complain about.

Wedding planning? Stressful.

Your post was very similar what happened to me.
Me and my now-husband, live and work in NYC. My close family (siblings and nieces and nephews) is 11.000 miles away (that is 11 hs by plane). Only my parents could attend.
His family (parents and sister) are in Long Island NY, they called it a "destination wedding" and how "I" dare to plan a wedding outside of Long Island, poor grandma had to be in a car for an hour to go to it :barrel :barrel
BTW, grandma is in perfect health.

I think that everybody has to chilled more and try to support the decision of the couples without judgements. Also, I think that it should not be such a big problem if you cannot attend a wedding. As I said before, I married with only my parents present and I couldn't go to my sister wedding due to several reasons.

A weddings should be not be a telenovela. :cool: